DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 25 years and have three adult children who no longer live with us. We are religious and belong to a conservative church.

We have a satisfying sex life. About 15 years ago we started using graphic language during our lovemaking. We find it exhilarates and enhances our experience. We do not call each other names; we use graphic words to express how good we feel during the act. The excitement I feel from this is cheaper than Viagra.

Is what we are doing wrong? We are empty nesters. I worry about what would happen if our closest religious friends knew. Would they feel the same way toward us? I believe words become wrong when they are used for the wrong motive. When I use them with my wife for better sex, my motive is pure. Do you think other religious couples enjoy this activity? -- BEDROOM SECRET IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SECRET: Unless your religious friends have a hidden listening device in your bedroom, your worries are groundless. What happens in the bedroom between two adults -- as long as it is consensual and hurts neither one -- is OK and nobody else's business. As to whether other religious married couples do something similar to what you and your wife are doing, I think the odds are pretty good they are doing that and more.

DEAR ABBY: My younger brother has been with his girlfriend for three years off and on. He's 22; she's 19. He joined the Army during one of their breakups. (Being in the military was something he had wanted to do since he could talk.)

When he was away, she mentally abused him because she "doesn't trust other people." My brother has told me he's only with her because she has nobody else. (She comes from a dysfunctional family.) She doesn't allow him to have any kind of social life when she's not around.

She's now pregnant with what we believe is not my brother's child, given they had broken up and the day they got back together, BAM! she's pregnant. I know it takes only one time, but the dates really don't add up.

This is affecting his relationship with our family and his lifelong buddies. He's my only brother, and I don't want to just flush our relationship as siblings, but I'm exhausted. What do I do? -- TIRED IN THE EAST

DEAR TIRED: Your family should talk to your brother as a group and discuss your concerns. His girlfriend is immature, insecure and controlling. He will be under her thumb for a lifetime if they marry. Ask him to clarify how honest he was when he said he was with her only because she had no one else.

He may be so physically attracted to her he can't think straight, which is why he seems to be willing to accept her manipulation and control. He should not support the baby without first talking to an attorney and insisting on a paternity test.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a small, close family. Last year, we suffered a devastating loss. My cousin and her two children were killed in a car accident. We have all been profoundly affected by this loss, especially my aunt and uncle.

Fast forward: Another cousin is pregnant with her second child. She wants to name her daughter "Daisy" because she wants all her children to have flower-themed names. "Daisy" is the name of one of the children who died. I, and others in the family, are upset by her decision because her reason for choosing the name has nothing to do with honoring our lost family member.

I understand no one "owns" a baby name, and she can choose whatever name she wants for any reason. But I am having trouble getting past the fact that I'll see this child at family gatherings and have to call her by my dead cousin's name for no reason other than it was a cute flower name.

My cousin is set on using this name despite family protests, and I can't help but foresee bitterness ahead for us when we've already dealt with so much. What, if anything, can we do to make this situation more positive? -- NAME GAME IN NEW YORK

DEAR NAME GAME: Your cousin appears to have the empathy of a garden snail. Did it occur to anyone in the family to suggest to her that there are other flower names besides Daisy -- Dalia, Daphne or even Desert Rose? (Her nickname could be "Desi," which is cute.) If you haven't, please do before the baby arrives. However, if she refuses to change her mind, it's time for you to start memorizing the Serenity Prayer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He's a diamond in the rough. My grown children, three boys, have always just tolerated him. They say he talks too much, doesn't listen and still treats the younger two like children. I know he can be overbearing at times.

They have now ganged up and will no longer allow the grandchildren to come stay with me. They say my husband is too harsh in correcting them, which isn't true. The only time he is loud and fast to correct is if the parents aren't here to do it. They have offered no alternative solution.

Two have expressed to my husband how they feel. My husband is trying to acknowledge their feelings and wants to do better. How do we proceed as a family? I'm afraid they will withhold the grands each time they disagree with us. Counseling is out since we live in separate cities. Any words of wisdom for us? -- HURTING HEART IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HURTING HEART: Look at this from your sons' perspective. When they hear from your grandchildren that your grouchy (but well-meaning) husband yelled at them, as parents, their first instinct is to protect their kids.

I can't guarantee that your sons won't use emotional blackmail in the future, but I can offer two suggestions: Your husband should take a deep breath and count to 10 before he reacts, and he should defer the discipline to Grandma. And if that isn't enough to satisfy your sons, then you will have to visit them instead of having them visit you.

DEAR ABBY: What do you say when a friend's son has committed a horrific crime? Does one say, "I'm sorry" or "Call me," or merely pat them on the shoulder and move on? Or, what?

I know she is suffering and blames herself for his crime. How do I even approach her? I knew her quite well until I moved away and started my life on an opposite coast. Telling her what her son did is not her fault somehow seems trite.

I'm sure other people have been in this kind of situation. I found out about the young man's crime from the news media. I haven't been in contact with his mother for some time, which makes me feel awkward. -- LOST FOR WORDS

DEAR LOST: The time to be a friend is when somebody needs one. I'm sure your friend could use some emotional support right now. If you have her phone number, call her and tell her you know she's hurting, and she's in your thoughts and prayers. Tell her you are with her in spirit and hope she knows you care about her and her son. Then listen. There's not much more you can do than that.

DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing this guy, "Jason," for a year and eight months. I love him and he loves me, but I've been offered a really good job about three hours from where we live. It is a job I've been wanting for a long time, with retirement, pension and other benefits. Once I get in and there's an opening here, I can apply and move back.

Jason doesn't want me to accept the job because he says long-distance relationships never work. I told him I'm willing to try. Is it selfish of me to accept this job in spite of being in a relationship with someone I want a future with, knowing it could possibly break us up? -- CONFUSED IN THE WEST

DEAR CONFUSED: It's not selfish. "Selfish" is a boyfriend (not even a fiance) who would expect you to pass up an opportunity that offers retirement, pension and other benefits knowing how important it is to you. Mature adults are able to defer gratification and forgo an immediate reward in anticipation of a later one. Please remember that.

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 14 and entering high school. I am really scared and don't know what to do. I just want to go to class, study hard, get good grades and get out. But it's not that simple. Can you give me some advice about high school and what I should watch out for? -- SCARED OF HIGH SCHOOL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SCARED: Calm your fears. It may comfort you to know every student feels the way you do when first entering high school. It's a new environment, and you will encounter new people.

Be nice to everyone, and most of them will like you. That's how friendships are made. Look for extracurricular activities that interest you, and join some if you can. You already know you will need to study hard. If you do, good grades will follow.

As to what you should watch out for: If some of the other students are doing things that you consider wrong, don't join in. And keep in mind there's a school counselor you can talk to if you have any problems or concerns.