DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and my sister, "Cheryl," is 16. She likes wearing flannel shirts, black leggings or jeans everywhere, especially to school, because they are comfortable. Sometimes she even wears sweatpants and a T-shirt.

Our stepmom tells her she looks like a lesbian and that she gets one day out of the school week to dress like a "slob," and the rest of the days she has to dress nice. By "nice" she means an outfit that looks cute by her standards. It means no "lesbian-looking" flannels and, instead, a lacy blouse or a patterned top.

Cheryl argues that she's just going to school, a lot of other kids dress that way and nobody cares. My stepmom argues that she cares, and she thinks the way Cheryl looks at school is a reflection on her (my stepmom), which makes her look bad. My dad doesn't say anything because he's low-key and agrees with her, but he isn't as vocal or mean about it.

My sister doesn't like being called a lesbian, and it makes me really mad, but my stepmom is mean and will find some way to ground me out of spite if I argue with her about it. What do I do? -- DON'T WANT TO ARGUE

DEAR DON'T WANT TO ARGUE: Your stepmother appears to be a homophobe. The only way your sister's attire could reflect on your stepmother would be if she went to school unwashed and wearing soiled, tattered clothing. Not all lesbians dress in the same style; some are very feminine. If Cheryl were a lesbian, it would be nothing to be ashamed of.

Children who are called names and bullied as your stepmother is doing can become depressed to the point of self-harm or risky behavior. Because you are afraid you will be punished if you speak up, find a teacher or counselor at school you can confide in about what's going on. Your parents could benefit from an intervention -- and so could Cheryl.

DEAR ABBY: I have been overweight more than half my life. I have tried many diets and exercise plans, and invariably I gain all those pounds back. I'm planning to have gastric sleeve surgery as soon as my surgeon can fit me into his schedule.

Although I have gone through all of the required office visits with my primary care provider, I haven't made a final decision because I'm nervous about it. No one in my family knows except my husband.

My parents are elderly and probably would hate it and worry about me, so I don't want them to know. As for my children, I know they won't like it, but I don't mind their knowing. I will (hopefully) lose 60 to 70 pounds.

Should I tell them in advance or wait until it becomes obvious? I'm a private person and don't want anyone outside my immediate family knowing about this. I certainly don't want any negative or snarky remarks from neighbors or my church family.

Am I being ridiculous, selfish or silly? If I don't disclose, how will I explain how I lost the weight if someone asks without spilling my secret? -- READY FOR A CHANGE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR READY: A way to do that would be to reply, "I have made the decision not to discuss my weight anymore. Please respect that."

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 25 years. I was 19 and he was 28. Among a number of things we disagree about, there's the notion that he feels I should have zero privacy. If he finds out I locked the bathroom door or the bedroom door for five minutes to get something private done, like shave or use the potty, he freaks out and yells at me. He insists that he's the husband and I shouldn't feel the need to lock him out.

This morning I locked the bedroom door for less than 10 minutes to pack my bag for a flight. I was running late and wanted to eliminate the distraction of him going in and out of the room so I could finish quickly. He flipped out, calling me rude for making him feel like he is a pervert by locking the door. In the nicest way possible I had asked him when he came to the door if he would please let me have the room until I was done packing.

Don't I have the right to lock the door if I feel I need privacy, or is he right that there's no need for privacy from a husband? I hardly get five or 10 minutes a month of it. We have a large home with four other bathrooms. It isn't a lack-of-space thing. Please help me resolve this. -- IT'S PERSONAL, IN NEW YORK

DEAR IT'S PERSONAL: Everyone needs privacy at one time or another. Because someone is married does not mean she (or he) shouldn't have the right to some -- especially when using the bathroom. Your husband is either extremely controlling or doesn't trust you to be alone, and that's not healthy. What's causing his behavior I can't guess, but a licensed mental health professional may be able to help you figure it out. If he won't agree to go, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old man with a serious drinking problem. I function normally at work, but I have no real life outside of work or drinking.

I tried AA, but didn't feel comfortable in an organization that emphasizes God as part of the path to sobriety. I am desperate to find a way to recover, but I feel helpless. Please point me in the right direction. -- ADDICTED IN KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR ADDICTED: Because, for the reason you stated, Alcoholics Anonymous isn't for you, I'm glad to offer secular alternatives. The first is SMART Recovery, a four-point program that encourages motivation to abstain and provides help in coping with cravings, managing negative emotions and finding a healthy life balance.

SMART Recovery offers face-to-face support groups worldwide as well as online meetings. Its goal, like AA, is lifetime abstinence, and its meetings and help are also free. Unlike AA, lifetime attendance at meetings is not required. To find more information, visit smartrecovery.org.

Another resource is Secular Organizations for Sobriety (also known as Save Our Selves). You will find a list of meetings at sossobriety.org. Whichever you choose, I wish you a successful recovery.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I bought a beautiful little cottage in the North Carolina mountains as a second home. I feel very lucky to be able to afford such a luxury and have always been generous, sharing it with family and friends. However, it has reached the point where people constantly ask to use it.

Abby, my guests have left holes in cushions, bubble gum on couches and someone's child even peed in the bed. Only once in 10 years was I left with a thank-you note and a gift card to a local store. Most of the time I find a bottle of cheap wine. (I don't drink.)

How can I stop this? I'm being taken advantage of. I know I'm partly at fault for being so generous. This cottage was bought for me, my children and grandchildren to enjoy. -- TOO GENEROUS

DEAR TOO GENEROUS: People can be taken advantage of only if they allow it. You need to learn to say no. And when (not if) you are asked why you no longer allow friends and family to use the cottage in your absence, tell the individuals exactly what you have told me about your reasons.

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with having a mental disorder? I have quite a few, and I wish I didn't. At work, I feel inadequate because I'm a few steps behind everyone mentally, emotionally and socially. At home I feel the same way. The meds I take help, but I still feel inadequate.

Abby, how do I deal with these feelings? I rarely talk to my dad about it. I find more comfort in putting my feelings down on paper than talking about them with my dad. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED GIRL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: One way to deal with your feelings would be to remember that everyone -- not just you -- has challenges. Some people find it helpful to talk about their feelings with others who are fighting similar battles. You might feel better if you find a support group to join so you won't feel so isolated. To locate one, you and your dad should contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Its website is nami.org, and the toll-free helpline to call is (800) 950-6264.

DEAR ABBY: My question has to do with a present I bought for a friend's birthday. It was a gift certificate for a spa. Unfortunately, when she went to use it, the doors were locked and the place had shut down. I was very upset and embarrassed. Should I have replaced it even though I didn't have the money? -- UPSET AND EMBARRASSED

DEAR UPSET: You bought the gift certificate in good faith. It wasn't your fault that the spa went out of business, and you shouldn't feel guilty.

I do not think people should spend money they don't have, and you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Explore any possible recourse for getting reimbursement for the gift certificate. If you paid for it with a credit card, your provider may credit you back the money.