DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for years. We married young, and I'm the only man she has been with. Although we seem to have a good sex life, she's now saying she wants more. She wants to experiment and is suggesting we try a "swinging" lifestyle -- a threesome or foursome -- swapping partners.

I think she wants to experience a stronger, more physically attractive man. I'm not against it. I fantasize about watching her with another man, and it could be exciting to make love with other women. However, my question to you and your readers is, does this lifestyle enhance a marriage or does it usually lead to severe marriage issues? -- CONSIDERING IT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONSIDERING IT: Depending upon the people involved, the swinging lifestyle can either enhance or destroy a marriage. If the couple is honest with each other from the beginning, establishes firm ground rules and adheres to them, it won't hurt the marriage. However, if one partner feels coerced into participating, it can be destructive, which is why I do not recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: One of my very close friends self-harms. She constantly slits her wrists and forearms. I desperately want her to stop, but I don't know how to convince her not to hurt herself.

I would talk to her parents about it, but she doesn't feel comfortable around her dad, and her mom is part of the reason she self-harms. She had a therapist she could talk to, but not anymore.

I want her to feel loved, but so far, all I've been doing to help is listen when she talks. She needs to be able to see herself as others do. What can I do to help her? I don't want to sit idle while she struggles. -- GOOD FRIEND IN KANSAS

DEAR GOOD FRIEND: You are a caring person, but your friend has serious emotional problems you don't have the training or experience to handle. She will need professional help to get to the root of her emotional pain before she can stop cutting.

Because she no longer has a therapist and her parents are part of the problem, tell a counselor at school that your friend is self-harming. Perhaps there can be an intervention if her problem is approached that way.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married forever to a very demanding and controlling man. We are older now, so, without consulting me, he bought cemetery plots for us. The problem is, I'm scared to death of cemeteries and always have been. I prefer to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over places I love.

One of my kids is OK with it; the other isn't. How can I make sure my wishes will be respected? -- GOING OUT MY WAY

DEAR G.O.M.W.: It appears that one of your kids takes after their father. If your husband dies first, your problem will be solved because your wishes will prevail.

Talk with an attorney who specializes in estate planning about putting language in your will that specifies that if you aren't cremated and scattered as you wish to be, the person responsible will receive no more than $1. Then choose an executor you can trust, and when the time comes, rest in peace.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Lily," is in a biracial marriage and has a son. Our dad never approved. He gave her an ultimatum when she first met "Rodney": Choose between him or our family. She chose Rodney.

After 30 years of Dad not speaking to her and influencing us siblings to feel the same way, our mother died and Dad rekindled his relationship with Lily. He's 82 now, and he puts her and her family first. He spends a lot of money on them and spends a lot of time with her and her son.

The rest of us feel so much resentment. I realize he's making up for lost time and feels guilty. But it's sickening when we remember how he pushed us to feel the way he did back then and now expects us to do an emotional 180. We are OK with being with our sister and her family. It's Dad we're having the problem with. How do we move on? -- UPSET IN THE EAST

DEAR UPSET: I wish you had mentioned what caused your father's change of heart because it would have been a valuable lesson for a lot of readers. He did a disservice to all of you by teaching hate rather than love and acceptance. Now you have decades of lost time to make up for.

Anger, resentment and bigotry serve no one well. Your father recognizes the mistake he made by shunning his daughter and her family, and he's trying to make up for it. As I write this, I'm reminded of a line from the "Peace Prayer of St. Francis": "Where there is hatred, let me sow love." Good for your father! The way for you to move on would be to recognize it's time to forgive him for the damage he caused your family because, if you don't, you and your siblings will perpetuate it.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked for my husband, "Ben," in a small firm for 20 years, but members of my family still think I don't have a "real" job. I did it so I'd have flexibility in taking care of our children, participating in PTA and other school activities, and be involved in the community. This benefits us not only as a family but also Ben's business.

I work a 40-plus-hour week, just not necessarily 9 to 5. So why does my family think they can call me at work, especially on my cell, for non-work-related issues? They wouldn't call their friends or children at work, so why, despite my asking them repeatedly not to, do they still call, or worse, drop in? How can I make them stop bothering me? -- AT WORK

DEAR AT WORK: Because you have asked your relatives not to call between certain hours, screen your calls before answering your phone. When they ask why you didn't pick up, repeat the message that you were working and please not to call you at that time. If they drop in, quit being so available. Repeat that they have come at a time that's inconvenient, and give them a time when you can socialize.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Roxanne," married right out of high school. Eleven years later she finally woke up and realized the man of her dreams was a deadbeat. She has now been divorced as long as she was married, still looking for a good man who will love her and share a future with her.

She's very sensitive, and I don't know how to tell her she needs to change her attitude about life in general, because no one wants to hear her recite all the bad things that have happened to her since childhood. She has always had a hard time letting go of small slights, from things that go on at work to as far back as school or sibling feuds.

Roxanne is a wonderful, beautiful woman, and my heart breaks to think of her spending the rest of her life alone. Her dad and I won't live forever. I'm afraid if I tell her how I feel, she'll no longer want to confide in me and talk out her problems. (I am her sounding board.) I don't mind listening so she can get it out of her system, but how do I get her to let it go and move forward? -- MOM WHO LOVES HER IN KENTUCKY

DEAR MOM: You mean well, but it may be time to cut back on being your daughter's sounding board, which seems more like a dumping ground. Tell her you love her, but that repeating her unresolved grievances is getting her nowhere. She needs to talk to a licensed professional. Urge her to discuss these painful things with a therapist who can put her on a path to putting them behind her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a junior in college, and I recently transferred from a two-year school to a four-year school. I have made a few friends, but their class loads are so heavy I don't get to spend much time with them. I, on the other hand, have a modest class load, so I have more free time, and I'd like to make more friends.

I have considered joining one of the two sororities on campus. But I am worried that if I do I will have to change my personality and likes/dislikes in order to fit in. Many of the girls at this school are very "cookie cutter," while I'm a more "eat the whole roll of cookie dough" type of person. I'm not concerned with how I look vs. how they look, but rather if I will fit in. I want more friends and friendships that will last beyond school, but I don't want to lose who I am because I joined a sorority. Please help. -- TO RUSH OR NOT TO RUSH

DEAR TO RUSH OR NOT: Don't rush to rush. A sorority is not the only way you can connect with people. Membership in a sorority does not guarantee that you will have friendships that last beyond college. They are like any other living arrangement -- people make friends with others they connect with. If you want to widen your social circle, the same thing can be accomplished by living in a dorm and joining clubs and special interest groups on campus.