DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20 years, "Jerry," recently learned about an old girlfriend's death. A Facebook friend informed him about it. The message arrived late at night while I was sleeping, and he woke me to tell me the news.

He is now receiving condolences from friends that he is responding to as though he were grieving. Abby, the old girlfriend and my husband split up on very bad terms. She not only cheated on him but gave him an STD. I am appalled and feel hurt that this is happening. Friends of mine are surprised and suspicious about it.

I confronted my husband and asked him if the situation were reversed and I were the one who died and an old flame started receiving condolences, how would he feel? Jerry said it wouldn't bother him. Is it normal to send condolences to old flames? -- DEATHLY CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR DEATHLY: It's normal to inform others about a death, but considering the circumstances of the breakup, what's going on isn't "normal." It's possible that the messages your husband is receiving are from other Facebook friends who are connected to the sender of the original message.

While it isn't unusual for old friends to reach out to each other after news of a death, to convey it in the form of a condolence to an ex-boyfriend after the romance is long over strikes me as somewhat odd. My advice is to remain calm, don't let it give you heartburn and wait for the emotions to subside with time.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are approaching, and I suspect many young couples are facing the same problem about where to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have two daughters -- one married and one single. The married daughter's mother-in-law has declared that this is "her" year for Thanksgiving, and next year is "her" year for Christmas. She has three sons, none of whom lives within four hours of her home. All three sons have children.

Don't you think the sons and their wives should decide for themselves if they want to travel for the holidays? They may prefer to spend Christmas morning in their own homes. Also, what about her daughters-in-law's parents? Perhaps they, too, have other grown children who would like to decide what they want to do for the holidays.

My philosophy is to plan my holidays and invite my children. If they can come, great! If not, there are no hard feelings. If all of my children and grandchildren can't be here at the same time, I focus on the ones who are and enjoy the time I have with them. I think the woman is being disrespectful to her sons and daughters-in-law. What say you? -- FOCUS ON A GOOD TIME

DEAR FOCUS: As your letter illustrates, not all mothers-in-law are alike. Some are iron-fisted matriarchs who demand obedience from their grown children. Others, like you, are more easygoing. In my opinion, the woman you have described is less disrespectful than overbearing.

DEAR ABBY: A month and a half ago, my boyfriend of five years proposed. We are happy and excited. Most of the wedding party are my friends from college, who are like a family to me. They have also grown very close to my fiance.

One friend, "Eden," defines herself as a "goth." She wears dark lipstick, dark makeup and usually wears all black -- lace, fishnets, etc. Her casual wear isn't all that out of place. However, when she dresses up, the goth comes out in full force -- parasol, thigh-high boots, over-the-top stuff (at least to me).

She's invited to our wedding, and I'm concerned that she may go overboard with her wardrobe for the event. I do not wish to stifle her style or sense of self, but the guests will be mostly family and it's a formal event. Is there a polite way to mention this to her and ask her to tone it down a bit? I don't want to hurt her feelings or appear to be stuck up, however I am sure she will be in many of the photos. -- POLITE FRIEND IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FRIEND: If there will be a wedding party and you have a maid of honor, the responsibility of explaining the "dress code" to Eden should fall to her -- for the reasons you mentioned. Whether Eden takes offense is anybody's guess, but at least the message won't come directly from you. If she chooses to ignore the dress code and "come as she is," focus on your happiness and do not let it ruin your day. As for the pictures, put her in the back.

DEAR ABBY: We live in Las Vegas. Now and then family members in Europe contact us to let us know their adult children will be visiting Vegas and would like to see us. We are retired and would enjoy taking these "youngsters" out for breakfast or lunch on the Strip. But what usually happens is, we wait and wait and receive no call until their departure, then hear all kinds of excuses about why they couldn't call earlier. This has happened three times now, and our question to you is: What are we supposed to say when they make their departure call? -- READY TO WELCOME IN VEGAS

DEAR READY: It is telling that when you receive the initial phone call, it comes from the parents rather than the "kids." This is what you should say when the "youngsters" call: "Oh, we're so sorry you couldn't fit us into your busy schedule, but we understand. Hope you enjoyed your visit. Let us know when you'll be back in town. Bye!" Then forget about it!

DEAR ABBY: We have a storage unit filled with furniture we can't use. I want to sell it or donate it to a charity -- provided they come and pick it up.

My wife wants to give it to a handyman who has done work for us in the past. My concern is that it might be insulting and imply that he is poor and needs charity. I don't know that he is needy, but he might well be. I just don't want to insult the guy. What do you think? -- JUST BEING NICE

DEAR NICE: Offer the furniture to your handyman, and when you do, tell him you no longer need it and wonder if he might know "someone" who can use it. I don't think that would be offensive or imply that he is needy.

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering if anyone else has ever asked about this. I have had the same cleaning woman for three years. She does an excellent job and works hard. I got her the last six or seven of her clients. However, she has made little changes in the past when I'm not home.

For example, she reorganized a kitchen drawer and laundry room cabinet without first clearing it with me. Yesterday, when I walked into my laundry room, I noticed two pictures had been removed from the wall and rehung in my living room. Furthermore, she used three nails to hang them and left the first nail in the wall because she had made a mistake. I removed the pictures and returned them to their original spots. The three holes in the living room wall remain.

I live in an expensive penthouse. The holes are like bullet holes to me. This is not my apartment. I am a renter. In addition, I do not have the paint that matches, and I am not handy with spackle and painting.

My cleaning lady is very sensitive. When I asked her to let me know the night before if she needs to cancel, I almost lost her for good. I had to call repeatedly, and I'm walking on eggshells now. -- RENTER IN NEVADA

DEAR RENTER: For your cleaning woman to have done what she did was wrong, and you need to explain it to her so nothing similar will happen again. Sometimes it isn't what you say but how you say it. Hang onto your temper while telling her she has created a problem for you. It's the truth, and she needs to hear it. If her response is to punish you by not showing up, you are well rid of the woman.

P.S. Visit a paint store or home improvement store and you may be pleasantly surprised to know that paint can be closely matched these days if you bring a small sample with you. They may also be able to recommend someone who can fix the wall for a reasonable price, or offer guidance on how you can fix it yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 58-year-old woman, divorced for three years. I was in a loveless marriage for almost 20 years. Over the last three years I have lost 45 pounds and have started going to online dating sites. I'm attractive, so I get lots of attention.

I post nice pictures of myself, nothing sexy. But the kind of attention I'm getting is not what I want. I'd like to meet a man and try to have a long-term relationship. Most of the men "say" that's what they want, too. But to be honest about it, it's not.

How can I come across as a woman who wants an LTR and not a "friends with benefits" or a hook-up? I don't sleep around, so those things just are not my cup of tea. What do I do? -- LOST IN THE ONLINE DATING WORLD

DEAR LOST: If someone wants to move your "relationship" to the next level before you are ready, you need to say you are not comfortable in moving so quickly. It's straightforward and honest.

It occurs to me that there are many kinds of dating sites, and you may be on the wrong ones. If you have friends who are also in the dating world, ask them which they use. But if you have no luck there, consider meeting suitable men the old-fashioned way -- by being introduced by people you know and who know you well.