DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Joe," and I have been married 45 years, and he drives me nuts! I have asked him countless times to use better table manners, speak proper English and treat others with respect. I'm not asking for perfection. I know I'm not perfect, but if someone pointed out something I was doing incorrectly or that embarrassed someone, I'd change what I was doing.

Besides asking nicely, which I always do as to not belittle Joe, what can I do? It's hard to ignore! -- NOTHING CHANGES IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOTHING: After 45 years you should have come to the realization that you cannot change another person. For the sake of your sanity, learn to change the way you react to your husband's poor table manners and bad English. Because he's a sloppy eater, consider eating with him less often. Because his grammar isn't up to par, try to remember that you married him this way and he managed to get the words "I do" out well enough to satisfy the officiant.

As to his disrespect for other people, the next time it happens, don't ask him to cut it out, TELL him!

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who recently got married at the courthouse. Her parents were willing to host a wedding for her, but she chose not to have one since she and her husband live far from her hometown.

About a month after the wedding, I received a card in the mail announcing that she had gotten married, stating she and her husband are trying to buy a house and gift cards to start their new life would be appreciated. Abby, isn't it out of line for someone to ask for gifts when they didn't have a wedding and didn't tell anyone about their elopement until afterward? Several of my friends eloped, and I was never asked to send a gift. Was this rude, or is it normal behavior for people who do not have a wedding? -- NORMAL OR NOT? IN COLORADO

DEAR N. OR N.: This is not normal behavior. It's a gift grab, and you are not obligated to send this couple anything beyond your good wishes. To request gifts is a serious breach of etiquette. Had you contacted her and asked if there was anything they needed, telling you then would have been appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in 6th grade. My best friend hates a girl in our class. She toilet-papered her house, posted mean signs, threw eggs onto the family's car and dumped shampoo in their mailbox. I'm really uncomfortable with what she did. She's nice to me, though. What do I do? -- FRIEND ISSUE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND ISSUE: Although your friend may dislike the classmate, she did not have the right to damage the family's property. What she has been doing is called vandalism, and it is against the law. That it makes you uncomfortable shows you have a conscience. If you are smart -- and I think you are -- spend less time with her. I say this because a person like her could easily turn on you.

DEAR ABBY: I cannot stand my husband's sister. She thinks way too much of herself. She "had" to get married to a foreigner (who NEVER works), and her three grown sons still live at home and don't work or go to school. She works several odd jobs to support the lazy men in her life.

She's 53, but she was always rebellious and a hell-raiser. At family events she dresses like a streetwalker. My poor husband was embarrassed at the last family wedding because she was so scantily dressed and looking for attention. It about kills me and my children whenever she comes over to our house with her drugged-out husband. She is rude to me and makes backhanded comments.

I can't believe that after all these years, I still tolerate this garbage. I'd love to end these get-togethers, but how do I do it, because she's "family"? -- FED UP SISTER-IN-LAW

DEAR FED UP: It shouldn't be all that hard to accomplish. Tell your husband that because of the way his sister has treated you all these years, you are finally drawing the line. You no longer want her (or her drugged-up husband) in your home. If they drop by unexpectedly, tell them you can't entertain them right then and suggest that in the future they call before showing up.

At family functions you must attend, limit your exposure to her. Be polite but concentrate on other relatives whose company you do enjoy. You can't control her mouth or what she wears, but you can choose to ignore the woman, and that's what I recommend.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Bad Idea," (Dec. 15), the parents who don't want their daughter to join the Peace Corps for fear she will return only to mooch off them until she's gainfully employed again.

I agree they should voice their concerns to her before she goes, but you missed an opportunity to educate your readers. Yes, she is putting a lucrative career on hold, but she is doing it to serve her country. I doubt your response would have been the same had she been leaving her job for a military career.

The Peace Corps will train her to work in a developing nation where she will be sharing her expertise and American goodwill with others while learning a new language and culture. She will gain compassion, understanding and a world view that will influence her decisions for the rest of her life. She will learn that success is not just about the almighty dollar; it's more about finding meaningful work you enjoy and can be proud of.

Although the Peace Corps is a volunteer organization, volunteers do receive a stipend upon completion of their service so they can ease back into the American workforce without a handout from Mom and Dad. And by the way, I nailed every job interview upon my return from my years of service because I had something unique and interesting to bring to the table. -- RETURNED PEACE CORPS VOLUNTEER (SWAZILAND 1980-82)

DEAR VOLUNTEER: Volunteerism is a boon to our society as well as other societies who benefit from it. Almost 25 percent of Americans volunteer their time and talents at one time or another. Many readers besides you wrote describing the satisfaction they have derived in addition to what they learned while working in the Peace Corps. I hope your letter will allay the parents' fears.

DEAR ABBY: I've only had one boyfriend. For most of my childhood, he was my best friend. When we were 14, I got scared we might fight, break up and never forgive each other, so I told him I wanted to go back to being just friends without explaining why. In retrospect, I know how stupid it was, but when I was 14 it made perfect sense. When I said it, he got angry, but more than angry he was very hurt. I never saw him again.

My problem is, I haven't been able to put myself in a relationship since. Sometimes he resurfaces in my dreams. When it happens I always feel happy "seeing" him again. I don't know what to do about this nagging feeling and how I put off a love life because of it.

It's more than a decade later. He has probably changed so much and would want nothing to do with me, so I think it's better to leave him be. But I'd like to talk to the person he is now, whoever that is. Is there a way I can solve this? -- NERVOUS ROMANTIC

DEAR NERVOUS ROMANTIC: Yes. If you know where he is, contact him and tell him you would like to talk privately with him. Explain what happened so many years ago and see if he is willing to hear you out. And please stop beating yourself up over what happened when you were 14, because it was normal teenage behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 50. All my life I have known I didn't want kids, and I have had to deal with people who can't understand it. I have now reached the point where I can hardly wait until I'm 55 so I can live in a child-free senior living development.

The problem is, my partner is 10 years younger than I am. He won't be able to move there when/if I do, so I'll have to wait another 10 years to live in peace. I don't want to break up with him, but I may have to. What is your take on the situation? -- OVER-55 ONLY

DEAR OVER-55: My "take" is that not all couples are exactly the same age, and if one partner qualifies to live in senior housing, his or her partner will not be excluded. My advice is to start researching retirement communities so you fully understand what the requirements and restrictions are before deciding to move there, with or without your partner.

DEAR ABBY: I know that you are all about good manners, but I think one current practice has gone WAY too far. When I sneeze, I get loud "bless you's" from neighbors down the street or co-workers in the next room. I am not religious, and I find it offensive. These "blessers" have been indoctrinated in a 600-year-old religious practice designed to prevent the plague from jumping into the sneezer's body. When someone passes gas or burps, the "excuse me's" are often more offensive than the act -- no longer the demure "pardon me" of the past.

Sneezes, gas and burps are all natural parts of life. Can't we just let them be, without making them special? -- OFFENDED OUT WEST

DEAR OFFENDED: You can. All you have to do is tell your neighbors and co-workers your attitude about their thoughtfulness, and I am sure they will refrain. In droves.

P.S. Having to say this to every "blesser" you encounter may be a very tall order, so be prepared.