DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-20s, and a few years ago my mother divorced my stepfather. They were married for 17 years, and I grew up with him in the house for most of my life. After my sister was born, his behavior toward me changed to the point that in high school I spent most of my free time elsewhere to avoid his passive-aggressive behavior toward me.

Now that he and Mom are no longer together, he has been contacting me wanting to spend time with me. I feel awkward spending time with him because he acts like we were best friends when I was growing up. If I try to politely get out of it, he makes dramatic comments about no one caring if he lives or dies.

I would like to cut him out of my life and avoid the stress he causes me, but I'm afraid it will cause a rift between me and my sister, who had a great relationship with him and is always trying to get me to talk to him. I also know if I try to cut him out, he will start harassing my sister, and she doesn't need that while she's going to college. Should I stick it out for her? -- WANTING TO END TUG-OF-WAR

DEAR WANTING: Have a conversation with your half-sister and explain that when you were growing up you didn't have the same kind of relationship with her father that she did. Tell her you hope this won't cause any problems between the two of you because you know she loves him, but that for the sake of your own mental health, you intend to avoid him and the unpleasant memories he evokes as much as possible. If you are thrown together for some occasions, at least there will be others around to buffer the contact.

DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my husband has been sending money to family and friends behind my back. He constantly sends money to his adult daughter who plays him like a fiddle.

It isn't large amounts, but I have two issues with it. When it's time to pay bills, I end up paying more than my share because he doesn't have the money (we split our budget a while ago). Also, when I have asked if he has been doing this, he lies to my face.

This isn't the first time he has lied to me, and I don't know how to move past it. Last time, it was about drugs. I was ready to walk away because therapy helped me see that the problem wasn't me, but then we worked on it. Now it's about money.

I love him and would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but if there's anything I can't stand it's a liar. What should I do? -- LIED TO IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR LIED TO: You should not be paying more than your share of the bills. It isn't fair to you. By paying other people's bills, your husband is enabling them to remain dependent upon him -- and you. Call the therapist who helped you the last time. It appears you have more work to do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a picnic at my house. I invited the old man next door, and now he has taken it upon himself to invite other neighbors. What am I supposed to do? -- DISCONCERTED IN THE EAST

DEAR DISCONCERTED: The old man next door has a lot of nerve. You have several choices. Tell him to uninvite the people he invited to your picnic, do it yourself or roll over and let him take advantage of your hospitality.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I had an affair with a married man. We eventually married and have had a long, happy life together. It was love at first sight for me. Both of us had children with our former spouses.

Since no one knows about our affair, I'm wondering what I should do with our love letters and the poems we wrote to each other over those five years. Neither of us wants to hurt our children or grandchildren nor be remembered negatively after our deaths. It would certainly shock them all. However, there is much information in these letters that might give insight into why we both wanted divorces so we could marry. We are getting along in years, so please advise. -- WONDERING IN TEXAS

DEAR WONDERING: I see nothing to be gained by sharing these letters and poems. You and your husband have had a long and happy union. Because nobody knows about the affair and no questions have been raised about your earlier marriages, I see nothing positive about disclosing that information after your death.

DEAR ABBY: We recently received an invitation to a party for our child's fifth-grade graduation class. The host is charging $15 per adult and $10 per fifth-grade child ("children under 5 are free"). The invitation also states that spaces are limited and we need to book our attendance with a payment method in advance.

My husband and I think this is very tacky. In addition to that, we find it poor form that this is being billed as the "party of the year" with "limited seating" for our child's class. What are we teaching our children these days? Is it a popularity contest? Is it that the kids from economically challenged homes are not welcome in our homes? What do you make of this? -- UNEASY IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNEASY: I think the amount is excessive. What I make of it is that the entire class is being invited to celebrate the occasion, but the parents who are organizing the event have decided to turn it into a profit-making venture. If this doesn't sit well with you, skip the party and plan to do something privately with your child.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a branch of a large company that puts out a candy dish for our customers. A woman from another building (different company not related to us) often cuts through our office to get to the main street and other businesses. When she comes through, she ransacks our candy dishes, looking for a couple of specific types of candy. It happens on a daily basis! We even gave her a "Christmas gift" hoping to satisfy her candy cravings. She brought the gift container back to us (empty) for next Christmas! How do we stop this behavior without being rude? -- SWEET TOOTH IN THE EAST

DEAR SWEET TOOTH: It is not rude to draw the line when someone crosses it. The next time the woman raids the candy dish, the person nearest to it should tell her plainly it is intended for customers only! As for that candy container she returned, toss it. Giving her a present for "stealing" was a mistake, so don't perpetuate it.

DEAR ABBY: My son attends an excellent public high school and has done very well. His class is scheduled to graduate in a few weeks, and "Brent" has been accepted to an excellent university.

My concern is Brent routinely reports blatant and widespread cheating throughout the school. The valedictorian cheated his way to the top of the class, a neighbor will be attending Princeton even though she was repeatedly caught cheating on tests, and another neighbor cheated on the ACT to achieve a score disproportionate to her grades and SAT scores, which allowed her admission to a distinguished university.

The school turns a blind eye to the cheating and provides only nominal punishment in cases too blatant to ignore. Brent has become disenchanted and cynical about the administration and maintaining his integrity. What advice can I give my son when all around there are examples of cheaters coming out on top? -- NOT A CHEATER

DEAR NOT A CHEATER: The cheaters may have cut in line, but don't view it as coming out on top. Point out to your son that sooner or later cheaters are usually unmasked when they arrive at college unprepared. The best advice you can give Brent would be to hang onto his integrity, resist the temptation to become bogged down in what others are doing, and study hard because -- sooner or later -- excellence and ethics are recognized.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Stella," and I have been married 52 years. We have a daughter, "Candy," who we adopted at 3 weeks old. By the time Candy was 12 or 13, she started having less-than-desirable friends and drinking alcohol with them. Long story short, she graduated from high school, got married, then divorced, married again and has two daughters she has never raised.

We have taken our daughter to psychologists since she was 14 or 15, paid for educational opportunities she didn't complete and bought her several cars. She got into drugs and wound up in prison. Once out of prison, Stella and I sent her to three rehabilitation facilities. She walked away from the last two.

Our daughter is now 46. I am ready to stop trying to help her, but Stella, whom I love dearly, doesn't seem to be able to stop. I feel we are being enablers and should let Candy deal with her choices without further support from us. Any thoughts or comments? -- OVER IT IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVER IT: I agree with you. By now Stella should realize that whatever she does to help Candy won't make her independent. Your wife may feel compelled to continue because she feels responsible for the way Candy has turned out, but the only person who can help Candy is herself.

Because this is causing discord in your marriage, you and your wife should discuss this with a marriage and family therapist who may be able to help Stella recognize that she has done enough for the daughter she so clearly loves.