Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He is 10 years older, in his mid-40s. He is wonderful, kind, smart, and treats me well. There is only one issue: He still lives with his ex-girlfriend from 10 years ago.

She and I do not get along. She infringes on my time with him -- has him run her errands, drive her around, etc. when I am at his (their) house. He also ends calls with me at night to talk with her, and his texts abruptly stop. Later I'll find out she was in his bedroom talking/venting to him about her current boyfriend or some other subject.

She recently put in an offer to buy a house that was accepted. After she moves out of the house they are renting, he plans to remain there and would like me to move in with him. Here's the catch: He says he will be going over to her (new) house to mow the lawn, rake leaves, take care of her car, etc. He says he runs these errands for her because she pays him. I have told him how much it bothers me. I feel he is placing her above me. Am I crazy for being upset over this? -- SECOND BEST IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SECOND BEST: You're not crazy. Unless your boyfriend is hard up for money, it appears there may be more to his relationship with his ex-girlfriend than he has revealed to you. If he was disconnected from her emotionally -- and possibly sexually -- he wouldn't cut your conversations short or hide the fact that he is texting you. Unless he rearranges his priorities, you should not only not move in with him, you should find a boyfriend with whom you're No. 1.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Riley," and I got married three months ago. I'm a corporate pilot and have been for most of our two-year relationship. Now she's telling me if I don't quit my dream job, she will leave me.

I signed a year-long contract with this company, so it will cost me well over $10,000 to get out of it early. She hates my schedule, even though I work only about 11 days a month. Riley thinks I have to be home every night, even though I warned her that because of my career, I would be gone a lot of nights. She knew what she was getting into, yet she's trying to force me into giving up this dream job or lose her. Please help. -- TORN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TORN: Riley knew you were a pilot when she married you. You explained to her what that meant. That she would threaten to leave you because she doesn't like the responsibilities your career carries with it is immature and controlling.

If she was serious when she made the ultimatum, I think you should take her up on it. And before you marry anyone else, be sure the woman is independent. Then have premarital counseling to ensure something like this doesn't happen again.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to my husband for 29 years. We were separated off and on more than 10 of those years. We were both in other relationships but would reconnect for months and sometimes years. Then, because our lifestyles are so different, we would split up again.

I divorced him two years ago, but we see each other off and on as friends. I haven't been in a relationship since our divorce because I still love him. He couldn't stop the street life, and I got tired of living on the edge with him.

He's now in church, off drugs. He has gained back some weight and looks like the man I first fell in love with. I tell him every time I see him that I still love him, but he doesn't believe me and acts like he hates me. We have a 27-year-old daughter he loves and sees.

I think of the good times we had together day and night. I can't sleep sometimes and feel so unhappy without him. Abby, what can I do to move on? -- LONELY AND LOST IN MARYLAND

DEAR LONELY AND LOST: You may love the person your ex-husband was in the beginning, but you divorced him for good reasons. Chief among them, he became someone else because of his addiction and his choices. He may blame you for divorcing him, but if you hadn't done it, he probably would not have straightened out. Sometimes love is not enough, particularly when it's a one-way street.

It is time to quit looking backward and concentrate on your future. See your ex as little as possible, and allow yourself to grieve the lost relationship for a specific period of time. When that time period is over, concentrate on meeting new people and cultivating new interests. If necessary, talking with a therapist may be helpful, and I hope you will consider it. There is life after this, but only if you will allow it.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 50 years was recently diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's. Because her memory was beginning to slip, my husband and I moved her in with us. She pays us rent and contributes to meals.

The problem is, she has told friends that because she pays rent she shouldn't have to help around the house. My husband and I both work. It would be nice if she would cook us dinner occasionally or do the dishes. I have asked, but she always has an excuse. I don't know how to tell her we are not a bed and breakfast. She has the ability to help. Advice? -- HELPER NEEDS HELP, TOO

DEAR HELPER: I hope you realize that as your friend's dementia progresses she will no longer be able to help around the house, and it could actually be dangerous for her to cook. It would be better for all concerned if her family would start looking at dementia care facilities for her, the earlier the better so she will have time to adjust. Some of them offer graduated levels of care to meet the patient's increasing needs. Please consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for 10 years. We live together as husband and wife, but for personal reasons, we decided marriage is not for us. I have been married and divorced twice and have three children. One is 17, and the older two are grown. None of them have cars. We live in a rural area without public transportation.

I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and given a six-month driving restriction. Before my diagnosis, my boyfriend signed up to do a sport over the summer that takes him away four Sundays, our only day together. He does a different sport that takes him away for Labor Day. It upsets me that knowing I cannot get around and feel "trapped," he hasn't altered his plans in any way. He says I'm not as "trapped" as I feel, and I should use expensive ride-sharing services or rely solely on friends, which I feel is an imposition. I don't have many friends, especially ones who live close.

Because he isn't willing to modify his plans, I feel like I'm taking a back seat to his hobbies. Is this fair? What advice can you provide so I don't feel as angry and resentful as I currently do? I still have five months to go on this restriction, and that is only if I am seizure-free. -- STUCK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STUCK: Is it out of the question that you could accompany him to one or more of these Sunday games?

It appears your guy is centered solely on himself. Couples are supposed to have each other's backs. Although you never stood at an altar and pledged "in sickness and in health," after 10 years together, one would think the promise is implied. Consider this a wake-up call. It indicates that should you have more serious health problems down the line, this is what you can expect from him in the future.

That said, your present condition should improve by the end of the summer. Focusing on that fact may lessen your resentment right now. But don't beat yourself up for having the feelings you do; right now, they are warranted.

If your children have driver's licenses, perhaps they could drive you around so you're not so isolated.

DEAR ABBY: We have a large break room at work where we gather to have lunch. Usually there are six to eight nurses gathering at one time. Sometimes we bring lunch from home; other times we order out individually.

One co-worker constantly helps herself to others' food without it being offered. Example: If you order fries with your lunch, she will reach over and grab some off your plate without asking. It makes the rest of us uncomfortable. We feel it is rude and unsanitary. How do we politely ask her to stop doing this? -- HUNGRY NURSES

DEAR HUNGRY: Politely ask? Politely TELL the woman you don't want her removing food from your plates without permission. And if she does it again, use your fork to "discourage" her, and I'll bet it won't happen again.

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- ABBY