DEAR ABBY: My aunt had a stillborn baby 20 years ago. At the time, I was a teenager. Ever since then she has lived a morbid lifestyle -- like you'd see in a scary movie. After the first year, she threw a party with a cake for all of us, and wanted us to sing "Happy Birthday" to a baby that never lived.

When my grandfather died recently, she made sure the preacher announced that my grandfather also had another grandchild. I found out that when her cat died she kept it in the house for several days because she didn't want to let it go.

It bothers us a lot, because she acts like she is the victim in life and tries to make people feel guilty for being happy. How do we talk to her? -- CRYSTAL IN NEVADA

DEAR CRYSTAL: Your aunt should have sought grief counseling after she lost her baby. That she would throw a birthday party a year later and expect everyone to participate as if the child had lived is truly sad. Because you and your relatives feel she still hasn't gotten beyond the tragedy, those closest to her should suggest she talk with a therapist now or join a support group.

That said, I am not sure her wish that her little angel be mentioned at your grandfather's funeral was out of line. Although the baby was stillborn, I'm sure the loss was grieved by your grandfather as well as your aunt.

DEAR ABBY: Our oldest son has had a girlfriend for almost two years. She's a lovely, kind and quality person, the type you would want him to marry. The problem I'm having is that I have slipped and called her by the name of his former girlfriend. This happens sometimes during casual conversation, especially when I'm not concentrating. I have tried to be careful because I don't want to hurt her or my son's feelings, but sadly, I have.

I know she has heard me at least a couple of times. I have no affinity for the former girlfriend. Abby, this is damaging my relationship with my son and his girlfriend although she is too classy to say a word. What do I do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: When it happens again -- and it may -- apologize, explain that it's embarrassing, and you don't know why it happens. Then thank her for being as classy as she has been about it.

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law is starting a business and has offered my husband a job he is well-qualified for. I think it's a bad idea to mix family and business. I should mention that it's my husband's brother, and in the past when my husband has done odd jobs for him, he has had trouble getting paid for them. Do you agree with me that it's a bad idea for my husband to work for his brother? -- NOT SO SURE

DEAR NOT: Working for a relative can pack a double whammy because of unresolved emotional baggage that can come with the job, but it's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it works out very well. However, because your husband's brother has a history of not paying his debts, I agree with you that in this case, it would be a bad idea.

DEAR ABBY: I dated a man several years ago, and we just hooked up again. In the interim he had all of his teeth pulled. His dentures are ill-fitting, and he refuses to get them adjusted. As a result, he goes without any teeth, which I find a whole lot less than sexy. Our love life is suffering as a result.

He has tried to persuade me to kiss him without the teeth, or he sits around all evening and then runs and puts them in for a "bootie call." But now he doesn't even do THAT! He'll wear the teeth to work and other places, but not with me. He expects me to get in the mood, even though he looks like Grandpa.

We had a spat about it, and he called me shallow. Am I? I take pride in my appearance for him. I think he just expects me to get over it and make out with him toothless, but I can't! It's not like we live together. We see each other once a week or less. Please tell the truth here. -- MAKING THE EFFORT IN OHIO

DEAR MAKING: The truth is, your friend needs to see a dentist and get his false teeth adjusted or replaced. Out of consideration for you, he should wear them when he desires intimacy. That you don't get turned on when he's toothless isn't shallow. I'm sure many women would feel the same way.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old man who has had very few girlfriends, although there are some women who are interested and who I would certainly date. The problem is, for some reason, I don't move forward, and I'm now worried that I'm so set in my ways I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

Could the issue be that I haven't met the right person, as I tell myself? Other reasons could be my insecurity, lack of trust in women, and my fear that women won't like my lifestyle (I have no ambition). Most people find a mate. Why not me? -- MR. ALONE

DEAR MR. ALONE: The reason may be that, until now, you haven't been willing to identify and work on the issues that have prevented you from finding one. A licensed mental health professional can help you overcome your insecurities and inability to trust, and understand what they stem from. Once you succeed at that, you may find you have more ambition than you currently think.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently at an upscale restaurant. I needed to use the restroom. When I approached the ladies' room door, it was closed. I knocked twice and heard a grumbling from inside. A minute later a lady exited. She asked me if I had knocked, and I replied that I had. She then admonished me in a stern voice as if I were a child, saying, "Don't do that!"

Was I wrong to knock on a restroom door that was closed? Are we to assume that someone is in there? I always close the restroom door when I leave because I assume that people do not want a view of the restroom while enjoying dinner. -- CONFUSED DINER

DEAR CONFUSED: Some people turn the door handle to see if the restroom is occupied. Others knock, particularly if it has been occupied for an unusually long time. The woman you encountered may have been in a bad mood, or felt that because you knocked you had rushed her. You did nothing wrong, and I hope you didn't let it ruin your evening.

DEAR ABBY: I am an attractive woman who has been married for 30 years. I think my husband has been cheating on me for most of them. Through the years I have seen the telltale signs and confronted him many times. But he continually tells me no, he would never do anything.

I have tried hard to stay with him, although I feel stupid for doing it. You see, my parents were married for 62 years, and I have two sisters and three brothers who have never been divorced or separated. So I'd feel like a failure if I left him.

I need to know for sure whether he has cheated, but I don't know how to prove it. I have found a letter in his wallet, notes slid under my door at work and actually saw him touch another woman in a sexual manner years ago. My friends say if it walks and quacks, it is a duck.

I have asked him many times to go to counseling and he always says he will, but we never do. I no longer want to continue living with this man. There has got to be something better than always waiting for the next bomb to drop. Advice? -- SUSPICIOUS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Because your husband avoids going to counseling doesn't mean that you shouldn't see a licensed therapist without him. If you do, it will help you to clarify your thinking and make a rational decision about your future. Your siblings' marital history should not influence your decision. What's important is doing what is right for yourself.

If you feel you need to have proof that your husband is being or has been unfaithful, and has lied to you all these years, then hire a private detective and you will probably get what you are looking for. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, and I have had a few problems with my boyfriend's family. I got him in trouble a few times, and I feel really bad about it, even though I'm not a bad person. We have talked about things we shouldn't have talked about at our age and used bad language. His parents have gotten on him about it.

I tried to talk to his mother, but I have the feeling they don't particularly like me even though she says she has nothing against me. I know my boyfriend's older sister doesn't like me and doesn't want me and her brother to be together.

We are now being forced to break up until he is respectful enough to have a girlfriend, even though he is very respectful. I feel like this all revolves around me, and I want to get his family to know the real me and give me another chance. What should I do? -- FORCED TO BREAK UP IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR FORCED TO BREAK UP: Thirteen is young for a serious romance, and your boyfriend's family may be worried that you are trying to rush him into a relationship for which he isn't ready. For now, the smart move would be to put some distance between you and your boyfriend.

If you stand any chance of improving your standing with his mother and sister, a step in the right direction would be to clean up your bad language. Another would be to concentrate your efforts on becoming someone they can respect -- a good student, active in a youth group or sports activity. If they can see a positive change in you, they may be more receptive to your being in his life. And if they don't, your time won't have been wasted because you will have become a more successful person.