Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for two years, after being together for 10 years. We have two kids with a third on the way. Our relationship is great. It's healthy.

I just have this feeling of loneliness. I feel like I have my children and that's it. My mind often wanders to a woman from the past. I would never leave my children because they are my world. I just cannot control or ignore these chronic feelings of unhappiness and loneliness. I'll be honest: I wish I could just have one conversation with said woman. I don't know what to do. -- RON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RON: "One conversation" with the woman from your past won't fix what has gone wrong with your marriage. You have a responsibility to your wife and your growing family. What you are experiencing could be symptoms of depression. You may be feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities you now carry and subconsciously yearning for the carefree years you enjoyed before you were formally married. Before you feel more alienated than you already do, I urge you to talk this out with a licensed psychotherapist.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who has a habit of giving me unsolicited gifts. It's little things like string lights for my patio or a small toy for my daughter, but it makes me feel obligated to give her a gift back.

I would rather not be stuck in this continual gift exchange loop, especially during a pandemic when you're not supposed to be seeing people outside your household. This friend has shown up unannounced at my doorstep to drop off a gift without letting me know she's coming.

The last gift she offered I refused because it was an offensive toy that wasn't age appropriate for my daughter. Was I right to do that? How can I stop this cycle without hurting my friend's feelings? -- GIFTED IN THE WEST

DEAR GIFTED: Understand that this friend may not give you these gifts out of generosity, but because it gives her an excuse to interact with you. You have a right to refuse any item intended for yourself or your child that you feel is inappropriate. Jump off the gift-giving treadmill by telling this person her friendship is enough and you will no longer accept any gifts because it makes you uncomfortable.

DEAR ABBY: I have an older relative who uses the word "whatever" when she is done discussing something. I don't think she realizes how dismissive it comes across to others. It's as if she doesn't care about the other person's opinion or comments. It creates a barrier with family, and I think people distance from her because of it. I avoid talking to her because it's so blunt and rude. How can I explain that the word now has a negative connotation and should be avoided? -- STAYING AWAY TO NOT GET HURT

DEAR STAYING AWAY: Address it the next time she uses "whatever" in conversation with you. ASK if she is using the word because she isn't interested in what you are trying to convey and what she means by it. THEN explain how hearing it made you feel, because it may not have been her intent. (If it was, then you, too, have a right to distance yourself.)

DEAR ABBY: My hubby and I come from very different backgrounds. He grew up in a community where all the moms had to work. I grew up in one where most of the moms did not. Our marriage was perfect until we had a baby.

After our first child was born, my hubby made clear that it was unacceptable for me to leave my career or reduce my working hours. I never realized I would have the desire to be a stay-at-home mom or work part-time until I became a mom.

For the last several years, I have chosen to work swing shifts so I can be available for my children during the mornings. But this has taken such a toll on my health that I have had to get antidepressant prescriptions to cope with juggling all of this.

Recently, I told my husband I would like to work an earlier shift so my health can improve. Again he insists this is unacceptable because of the reduced pay I'd receive plus the high cost of child care.

He's a wonderful father to the children, and aside from this sole issue, we have no other problems. He makes me feel like a work mule, though, always trying to squeeze every last dollar out of me I can earn. I don't want a divorce. I do love him. I'm considering telling him my job is requiring me to switch shift times, which isn't true. Is it ever appropriate and acceptable to be dishonest to your spouse? -- WORK MULE MAMA

DEAR MAMA: Your husband's priorities appear to be out of whack, but I don't think you should lie to him. Repeat that the shift you are working is taking a toll on your HEALTH and that antidepressants aren't a cure for what's ailing you.

A husband is not supposed to be a dictator. As long as the two of you can make it financially, you should be able to set your own hours. Inform your doctor about everything you have told me and get off the medication. As much as you love your husband, you are not a "mule." If you continue on the path you're on, you will weaken your immune system and risk becoming seriously ill. How will you parent your children (or work) then?

DEAR ABBY: For the past five years, I have been dealing with my aunt, who is convinced that the neighbors are coming into her apartment, hacking her phone, her refrigerator, threatening her, cooking in her kitchen and constantly talking about her. Everyone has tried reasoning with her, but she insists she's OK and nothing is wrong with her.

She has fixated on these neighbors ever since she had a run-in with them years ago. They don't even live there anymore, but she says they do. I'm trying to be kind, patient and understanding with her, but she is making me nuts. Please help. -- ALARMED IN INDIANA

DEAR ALARMED: I'll try. Your aunt's irrational behavior should be reported to her physician, if she has one, so she can be evaluated. None of what you have described about her behavior is rational or normal. She needs a physical and neurological examination by a medical professional who can guide you in how to handle this because it isn't going to get better on its own.

DEAR ABBY: My ex had a prior relationship with my cousin "Earl." When she talked about her past relationships, a common theme emerged. Her partners were emotionally abusive -- cheating, berating her, throwing rage fits where they screamed in her face and threw things. My own history is similar. My partners have done the same to me. (I do not engage in such behavior.)

Earl told her he still has feelings for her, despite the emotional abuse he had inflicted upon her. I confronted him and told him that what he did was inappropriate. Abby, when she heard about it, she dumped me and tried to get back together with Earl!

My cousin, having done work to remedy his issues, rejected her outright. He told her it would never work between them despite the lingering feelings. Now she has come back to me, saying she wants a serious relationship. Should I take her back? -- SO MIXED-UP

DEAR SO MIXED-UP: Heck no. This woman has made clear that you are her second choice. Please don't take her up on her offer. You can't fix what's wrong with this very mixed-up woman, and you shouldn't waste your time trying because if you do, she will only cause you more pain.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is smart, hard-working and a wonderful father to our young son. We hope to grow our family. However, my husband is a cigarette smoker and extremely defensive about any suggestion about him possibly quitting.

Both of his parents passed away from cancer relatively young, and his mother was a smoker, too. I'm terrified he will get sick and die young. Not only that, he constantly misses precious moments with our son, who stands at the window and cries when he sees his father go outside. I'm becoming resentful of the constant breaks he takes while I sit inside comforting our son.

I have tried reasoning with him and suggesting we ask a doctor for help, but he shuts me down and gets angry. How can I try to approach it again? -- ANTI-SMOKER IN COLORADO

DEAR ANTI-SMOKER: You fell in love with an addict. Your husband is addicted to tobacco and appears not to understand or care about how it may affect himself or you and his son in the coming years. My advice would be to stop pressuring your husband for now and ask your doctor to refer you to a support group for friends and family members of people with a smoking addiction.

DEAR ABBY: A man and a woman liked (and loved) each other in their teenage years, but they married different people. After a decade, the man sends wedding anniversary wishes to the woman on Facebook. Without any reply, the next day the woman blocks the man, and on the second day she deactivates her account on FB. What does it mean? -- MYSTIFIED IN THE MIDDLE EAST

DEAR MYSTIFIED: It means the long-ago chapter of your storybook teen romance is over. She has moved on and so should you.