Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm an American man who was adopted as an infant. Several years ago, I found my birth parents. They are not from America. My mother came here to give birth and left. Sometime later she married my father and had more children. I'm in touch with the entire family, but mainly my birth parents.

My biological siblings are jealous of my success in life and make it plain they don't approve of much that I do. They also make sure I know I'm not really part of the family because we didn't grow up together (although we are, by blood, 100% siblings).

I deal with this the best I can, but now I'm getting flak from them because of my political views. (They saw a photo of me at a political fundraiser.) When my sister turned 40 this year, I sent her a card, a Facebook post and a text message. I turned 50 at the same time and heard not a word from her.

Although my siblings are not Americans, they feel the need to trash our country, our government and our way of life. I'm tempted to cut ties with them. There is little respect coming my way, and I think I've had enough. I value your opinion, which is why I am writing to you now.

BTW: I had an amazing set of (now deceased) parents and wonderful siblings growing up. I just wish I had a better relationship with my biological family. -- DISAPPOINTED AND EXCLUDED

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Your family is the family that raised and nurtured you. I, too, am sorry you don't have a better relationship with these jealous, judgmental people. You are related by blood -- nothing more. They do not have the right to criticize your political views or your lifestyle, any more than you have the right to criticize theirs. (And I doubt you would.) Because you are neither respected nor included, you have every right to back off and head in a different, more positive direction. Frankly, I suspect you will feel better as soon as you do.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 26-year-old male in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, who is 18. I love her to the moon and back, but I feel like she only stays with me because I can buy her things. She gets upset with me when I don't get them for her. She says I value my mother and others before her.

I love her so much, and I want to marry her. I'm a minister at a church. She thinks she should take priority before my bills and taking care of my mother, who can barely walk. What do I do? -- UNEASY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR UNEASY: From what you have written, it appears you are involved with an 18-year-old self-involved gold digger who does seem to be with you only because of what you give her. She hasn't yet learned (1) That a gift should be voluntary and appreciated, rather than extorted, and (2) the way a man treats his mother is the way he will treat his wife.

Since you asked my advice, here it is: Close your wallet and ditch this "girl."

DEAR READERS: Well, 2020, a year like no other in recent memory, has drawn to a close! I join you tonight in toasting a 2021 that will be less challenging for all of us. If you're celebrating this evening, please take measures to protect your health and the safety of others. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I'm someone who doesn't get noticed often by the opposite sex. So when I do receive attention, it's a very nice feeling. The problem is, I am getting that attention from a man who is married.

In the beginning, I didn't know he was married. He doesn't wear a ring, and he never mentioned a wife until one day while we were chatting, he let it slip. I don't think he meant for it to happen.

When someone is married, I back off. But for some reason, I'm not backing away from this. I'm starting to have feelings for him. I'm leaving it up to him, though. If he flirts, I'll flirt back. When he comes on strong one day, the next day he feels guilty and backs off, but then we pick up right where we left off.

I'm not trying to paint him as the bad guy; he's honestly a really good guy -- in my opinion, anyway. I know it's wrong, and he hasn't promised anything. We haven't had any physical contact other than the daily interaction. But it's messing with my emotions. I don't want to feel anything for him, but I can't help it. Help! -- DAZED & CONFUSED

DEAR DAZED & CONFUSED: You may not want to feel anything for this married man, but you do. And because you "don't get noticed much by the opposite sex," the attention you're receiving is like water on a parched flower. (Funny how they always seem to pick the vulnerable ones.)

You may not have had physical contact with him (yet), but you are playing with fire. This is no longer an "innocent" flirtation. Someone will get hurt if it continues, and that person is likely to be you. Keep in mind that "good guys" don't behave the way he does, and this wouldn't have happened if he had been honest with you about his marital status.

DEAR ABBY: When I came out as gay, my parents rejected me. It made my early 20s the most challenging period of my life. I have tried to forgive them and move on, but they refuse to acknowledge the trauma they caused.

I was upset all over again last year when they felt sorry for a young adult and let him move in with them. Mom never shuts up about how we should feel sorry for those less fortunate. They act like I have always been blessed and refuse to acknowledge any of the pain or bad things that have happened in my life.

How should I react to this? I'm on a good path now, no thanks to them, and my life has never been better. But I don't know if I can ever forgive them for being so helpful to a stranger and not their son. Am I wrong to ask where my sympathy was? -- SEEKING VALIDATION IN TEXAS

DEAR SEEKING: If you plan to hold a mirror up to your knee-jerk homophobic parents and expect honest introspection from them, I think you'll be wasting your time. It's possible that they think their compassion for the stranger makes up for the way they treated you. Whether you can forgive them for it depends solely upon you.

You are now on a constructive and rewarding path. The validation you are seeking can be found there. Your ability to forgive may come once you have distanced yourself enough that the pain they caused is less acute. I have often advised that when parents are toxic, it's important to build "families of choice," and I sincerely hope that is what you are doing and will continue to do.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 19 years now. A few years back, I came to know about my husband's platonic relationship with his old girlfriend. She lives in a different state and is married.

My husband has long chats with her every day about everything, including our sex life. I confronted him and asked him to end their relationship because knowing that he wants me to do something in bed because his friend does it bothers me a lot. He promised at the time that he wouldn't talk or chat with her anymore, and I trusted him.

A few weeks ago, I discovered that he still chats with her every day, and he changed her name in his contact list to hide his relationship. I feel cheated on, and I want to end this marriage. Please help me. I don't want to make a wrong step. -- BETRAYED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BETRAYED: A couple's sex life is supposed to be private. Your husband and his supposedly platonic "friend" have both betrayed the trust of their spouses. That he would expect you to do something in bed that he knows she is doing is substituting your body for hers, and frankly, it strikes me as another form of cheating. Obscuring her name in his contact file illustrates that he has no intention of ending their relationship.

You feel cheated on because you have been cheated on. It will continue as long as you allow it. Because you're afraid you will take a wrong step, start quietly gathering all the financial information you can and talk with several lawyers before deciding which one will work hardest to protect your interests and proceed from there.

DEAR ABBY: Due to COVID shutting schools down, my employer is now allowing staff to bring their kids to work if they don't have alternative child care. I bring my 8-year-old, and I have seen many other kids around. Most of them are well behaved and don't cause any problems.

However, we have a new employee, "Michelle," who has started bringing her 4-year-old with her. The child, I'll call her Autumn, is in her mother's office, but she's so loud, she can be heard all the way across the building! I thought surely Michelle would close her office door and contain Autumn's "jolly" voice inside her own area, but she seems perfectly happy to let her daughter make as much noise as she wants.

I don't understand this. Other parents make sure their kids behave and act appropriately. What can I do to let Michelle and my supervisor know that while yes, she can bring her child with her, it's still her responsibility to make sure the kid isn't creating a distraction? -- TIRED OF THE NOISE

DEAR TIRED OF THE NOISE: I do not think it would be prudent to talk about this with Michelle, which is sure to make her defensive. You should, however, inform your supervisor that because Michelle's door is left open, her daughter's "jolly" voice is creating a distraction. If it has been causing a problem for you, the chances are it is doing the same for other employees and reducing productivity.