DEAR ABBY: Because my fiance and I had bad experiences in the past, we settled on just living together for the last 17 years. He has been like a husband to me and faithful all these years. Recently, however, I caught him in an online affair.

I checked his phone one day out of the blue -- something I have never done before because we respect each other's privacy. The emails were daily, back and forth, with only one mentioning a sexual encounter at the beginning.

He confessed that he had made a big mistake once and refused to see her again in person but had kept up the correspondence. He begged me to forgive him and I agreed, since we were together for so long.

The problem is, now we argue about his phone. He still expects the same privacy with it. I don't feel comfortable with that now. Does he still deserve the same privacy? -- HUNG UP IN OHIO

DEAR HUNG UP: No, he does not. What he deserves is the chance to rebuild your trust, and that involves accountability on his part, which includes allowing you access to his phone if you feel insecure.

After 17 years together, both of you have a large emotional investment in this relationship. Because of that, it might be beneficial to schedule some sessions with a licensed relationship counselor to figure out where it went off the rails.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day. I know sometimes you suggest people see a doctor, either medical or psychological. What do you do if you are terrified of doctors?

I have asthma and consult my doctor via a computer, but some doctors (like dentists) can't do that. I have horrible panic attacks and anxiety. Then my asthma kicks in, I can't breathe, and I cry uncontrollably. I don't want to take medications because they make me sleepy.

Because I'm so doped up, someone has to come with me to the doctor to drive me home and watch me be an uncontrollable mess. Also, missing a whole day of work for a one-hour doctor appointment is, in my opinion, ridiculous. I think I'd rather be sick than go to the doctor.

My family insists it's all in my head and I should just get over it, but because of many horrible experiences at doctors' offices, which I believe caused my fear, I just can't. The current situation with the worldwide COVID epidemic has made my anxiety worse. Your thoughts? -- TERRIFIED TO GO THERE

DEAR TERRIFIED: My thought is that you need to ask your doctor or your insurance company for a referral to a licensed psychologist who specializes in phobias and panic attacks. Many of them consult with their patients online these days. Once you finally get a handle on that problem, the rest will be easier. While few people relish the idea of going to the doctor or dentist, NOT doing what is necessary to protect your health can be dangerous.

DEAR ABBY: My husband died 11 months ago, and I thought I was ready to date. I dated a guy I'll call Ken for six months, but things went south because it felt weird. My question is, is it normal for a 57-year-old man to still be living with his mom?

Abby, Ken's mom said bad things in front of me. She told her son that if he's going to have sex with me, he might as well live with me. (We never had sex.) Another time she didn't want me to wear shorts, hold Ken's hand or even sit with him at their house. Why? Do I need help? -- YOUNG-ISH WIDOW IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WIDOW: A single man living with his mom is unusual, but not necessarily abnormal. Ken's mother's behavior, however, was not normal or acceptable. The extent to which this man's mother controls his dating life is over the top.

Apparently, she perceives you as a threat, and she doesn't want to "lose" her 57-year-old son. You don't need help; she does. So does Ken, who appears to be her hostage. The tie that binds him to her may be emotional or financial, or those apron strings would have been severed decades ago.

DEAR ABBY: My friend and I are planning a road trip. We live in different parts of the country, so he'll be flying to my city, where we will start the trip. We plan to split the cost of car rental, gas and hotels. However, I was assuming that he would pay his own airfare, and he was assuming that we would split it like everything else.

What's normal in situations like this? Is it normal to pay one's own airfare and expect costs to even out in the future when the other person flies to you? Or is it normal to split the cost each time? The road trip isn't at risk because of this, but I want to set the right precedent for future vacations we take together. -- ROAD TRIPPING IN IOWA

DEAR ROAD TRIPPING: This is something you need to discuss further with your friend. Do you consider his getting there a part of your shared vacation, or do you feel your responsibility begins when he arrives? There are no hard-and-fast rules about this, and frankly, I think it depends upon your financial situations.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away unexpectedly. It was and is a tremendous loss to my two daughters and to me.

While writing my thank-you cards to individuals who attended his viewing and church service, I noticed someone had written "Mick Jagger" as attending his viewing and "Rod Stewart" as attending his church service. I was floored and deeply hurt when I realized the handwriting belonged to one of our pallbearers -- my husband's sister's husband. Our teenage daughters also saw it and told me they thought it was disrespectful.

I don't know if I should tell my sister-in-law or let it go. I want to ask him why he would do such a thing. Or am I overreacting? -- HURT IN TEXAS

DEAR HURT: No, you are not overreacting. What your brother-in-law did was, to put it mildly, insensitive. A funeral memorial book is the wrong place to attempt a bad joke. By all means tell your sister-in-law about it. And when you do, be sure to mention how it affected you and your daughters. You all deserve an apology for his inappropriate behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend of 20-plus years I'll call "Gladys." We enjoy walking our dogs and talking about relationship issues. Sometimes it's just me counseling her. She often regales me about these wonderful times she has -- get-togethers with her other friends that I'm not invited to. She loves going into detail about how wonderful her excursions are, etc. I have always made excuses to myself about it -- I'm more boring and straight-laced than her other friends, not as rich, not as smart. (It's true. I don't party much. I'm a total lightweight.)

Also, I'm one of her only friends who hasn't met her boyfriend of more than a year, and believe me, she has confided in me about their relationship the whole time. I have been concocting in my mind a way to address this with her without driving a wedge. (She can be very sensitive and defensive.) My boyfriend doesn't like how she treats me, but she's never been anything but kind and sweet with me, generally. She just doesn't include me in her social circle. What is your take on this? -- STRANGE FRIENDSHIP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STRANGE FRIENDSHIP: My "take" is that over the last 20 years you have fulfilled one particular function in Gladys' life, being her therapist and dog-walking chum. Period.

Your boyfriend has a point. She appears to be centered on herself and insensitive about how her confidences have made you feel. In my opinion, what she has been doing isn't kind and sweet; it is clueless. Ask Gladys (and her boyfriend) to go out for a social activity. It's worth a try. If you really want to know why you have never been included in her social circle, I don't think it would be rude to ask why -- IF you are prepared for the answer. It's a fair question.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson-in-law seems to have no motivation to take advantage of his VA benefits after just having completed his military service and not having been trained to do anything in civilian life. He's married and has a toddler. They have moved in with his parents, who babysit the child while his wife works. He wastes every day and doesn't seem to want to find a job or get training (paid for by the VA).

My granddaughter is frustrated and at her wits' end. We have offered suggestions and sent emails for virtual job fairs for veterans, but he doesn't seem interested enough to apply for anything or follow up on the one or two interviews he has had. She has even filled out job applications for him. What can we do to encourage her or him? Frankly, I feel like she would be much better off leaving him. Any suggestions? -- GRANDDAD-IN-LAW IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRANDDAD: Your granddaughter's husband appears to need more help than being steered toward job fairs. He may need to be medically and mentally evaluated. Could he suffer from PTSD, drug addiction or an undiagnosed mental illness? And what do his parents have to say about this? Once your granddaughter knows what she is dealing with, she will have a better idea of what to do about it. Right now the most helpful thing you could do is discuss with her what I have written and provide emotional support until she has some answers.