Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: When I was 16, my cousin "Mary" came from Georgia to New York to stay with us for the summer. After a short time we began experimenting with French kissing, which led to more things happening between us. Mary went home at the end of summer.

We are both 50 now, and I recently learned she became pregnant back then with a daughter and never married. The DNA indicates she is mine. My question is, how do I explain to my wife that I need to be there for my daughter? I never had any other kids, as my wife can't have children. Please help me. -- PAST HISTORY IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR PAST HISTORY: Is your wife aware of the short affair you had with your cousin? If not, start the conversation by telling her about your youthful "adventure." Once she has digested the information, explain that you intend to get to know your daughter. Do not tell her the reason is that she couldn't give you children, which would be cruel and unnecessary.

Understand, however, that your "child" is now a grown woman in her mid-30s. She may have no interest in getting to know you because you have been absent all her life. I wonder why you weren't informed about this much sooner and possibly asked to contribute financially to the raising of your child.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 32 years. My husband has been cheating on me for the past three of them. He's an international airline captain who has taken advantage of his "freedom." I recently learned that he paid $91,000 on an apartment. (He has an inheritance from his father that he has drawn from.)

My therapist suggests that he's a narcissistic personality with volatile ups and downs. My husband refuses to talk to me. He actually walks away from me when I bring up his girlfriend. He talks to her and texts her regularly. The monthly phone bills usually total over $400. I need help in trying to get him to talk to me before it ends. -- TURNING POINT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR TURNING POINT: Your international airline captain appears to have parachuted out of your marriage. Clearly he isn't interested in trying to save what's left of it. Because he is unwilling to talk to you about it, it's important you talk to someone who will. Consult a lawyer about what your options are as a wife of more than three decades. You have my sympathy, and I'm glad you sought help from a therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I've been working from home for a year since COVID began. I have been seriously considering quitting my job or retiring. I'd rather not meet my co-workers only to say goodbye. Would it be wrong to leave without saying goodbye? -- LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND

DEAR LEAVING IT: If you prefer not to deal with the sadness of saying goodbye to your co-workers, leave them a message. Explain that you will be leaving your job, but want them to know how much you enjoyed your time working with them. It would be a thoughtful way to exit.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a rock band with some friends. All of us are in our 50s and 60s. We have been playing together for the last three years. Last year, our bass player joined another band (while staying in ours) because another friend was in it, but they broke up because of COVID. Now that music venues are opening up again, he has joined yet another group.

I'm a loyal guy, and it bothers me that he doesn't seem as loyal to our band. He says he can easily do both, but for me, it causes booking issues because the other band will be blocking out dates that we might be able to book. I see no other conflicts. He even asked if I was interested in joining the other band, too, because he figured that if he can't be in two places at once, it might as well be both of us. Should we cut our losses and replace him? Loyalty is really important to us. -- ROCKING ON IN TEXAS

DEAR ROCKING ON: Because you feel that loyalty is paramount and your friend may have scheduling conflicts because of his participation with the other band(s), yes, he should be replaced with a musician you can rely on.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who feels a need to correct the behavior of others by writing letters. There are not too many businesses around town that haven't received one of her letters and, no doubt, others in her circle of friends have, too.

After a misunderstanding for which I apologized, I received one of them. Because she lacks understanding or the ability to forgive, a vitriolic diatribe came my way. In her letter, she related past "unfortunate (in her opinion) ill behaviors on my part for which I should be ashamed." Then she ended a friendship we had for many years without trying to mend the relationship. This is very hurtful for me, and I'm sure for others. How does one respond, if at all, to something like this? -- SUFFERING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SUFFERING: One does not respond. One copes by recognizing that the only person this unhappy woman is punishing is herself, as her circle of friends diminishes and businesses around town no longer welcome her.

DEAR ABBY: My wife recently asked me if she could take off her wedding ring in favor of wearing her mother's, which is much larger than the one I gave her. I regard it as a lack of respect for our marriage, which has been under a lot of stress for a long time. (No affairs.) I also view it as symbolic of how much she has financially sacrificed being married to me. What do you think? -- WONDERING IN THE EAST

DEAR WONDERING: I "think" you should tell your wife it would hurt you deeply if she follows through, and why. I also think the time has come for the two of you to talk about what is "stressing" your marriage with a licensed marriage and family therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I've been in the retail business for 12 years; my husband and I own it. A customer moved here a few months ago. He's retired and lives with his wife, daughter and grandchild. He's bored and doesn't want to be around his family, so he has started spending every day in our store, wasting our time.

He bothers customers with his stories and traps them for hours at a time. He has purchased some items, so he is buying from us. But I can tell he just wants a place to hang out. He is loud and intrudes into other people's conversations when they are at the counters. He has also taken a liking to one employee who works Saturdays and has started spending four to five hours every Saturday coming in and trying to make conversation about anything.

I have never had to deal with this kind of customer. I don't know how to tell him he can't hang out at our store. He's basically using us as an outlet to talk to people and keep himself out of his house. Please help. I want to say it in a nice way, but I think any way is going to hurt his feelings. -- UNPLEASANT SITUATION

DEAR UNPLEASANT: You seem to be a compassionate person. Check out what services are available for seniors in your area. Then explain to the customer that while you appreciate his business, you and your employees have work to do, limited time to do it and cannot socialize with him. Then suggest some places where he can spend time, volunteer, etc.

DEAR READERS: A group of distinguished psychiatrists, the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP), needs help from some of you. They are seeking to understand how faith identity -- being spiritual, religious, spiritual but not religious, or neither religious nor spiritual -- positively or negatively impacts mental health and well-being. Below is the URL to an online survey, which will take approximately 10 to 15 minutes to complete. The questions address the following topics:

-- Do you identify as religious, spiritual, both or neither?

-- What religious and/or spiritual practices do you participate in, if any?

-- What are your current levels of anxiety, and what is your current mood?

Readers, your input is important. Understanding your beliefs, including how they affect your mental health, could benefit individuals who need help and haven't gotten it. To participate in this anonymous survey, you must be 18 years of age or older. The URL below will direct you to the online survey. For those who have no internet access but would like to participate, please send a letter to:

GAP Religion/Spirituality Survey

P.O. Box 570218

Dallas, TX 75357-0218

URL: https://yalesurvey.ca1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8G4jpAMkF2BDLlb

Thank you in advance for helping them out. They are a wonderful, caring group of doctors. -- Love, ABBY