Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I went to lunch with "Anita," who proceeded to question me about how I know my friend "Gail." It seems like an innocent question, but Gail and I met in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't tell Anita we met in AA because it would've destroyed Gail's anonymity, so I said we met through mutual friends.

I didn't mind one question, but Anita kept probing about "mutual friends." I wound up fibbing and saying, "folks at my church." It managed to change the direction of the conversation, but I wish people wouldn't pry like that. This also happens when I'm at a party and someone asks me why I'm not drinking. It's easy to respond to one question with a general answer, but a lot of times I encounter folks who keep pushing.

I would like to encourage your readers to be sensitive to these kinds of situations and to allow people their privacy. Thanks, Abby. -- ANONYMOUS AND SOBER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ANONYMOUS: So would I, and you're welcome. There is no shortage of nosy questions that people don't hesitate to ask these days, as anyone who has read this column is aware. However, to many people, membership in AA is a badge of honor. When "pushed" to answer why they are not drinking alcohol they are upfront about the fact they are in AA. Of course, one does not have to have a drinking problem to avoid alcohol. Some people refrain because they don't feel well when they drink; others do it because they are taking antibiotics or want to live a healthier lifestyle. The bottom line is, you do not have to answer every question that's asked of you.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband of 19 years died suddenly 15 months ago (we had no children), my financial situation changed considerably. I have had trouble paying bills, and my water was turned off this morning. When I told my siblings and their families, their answers ranged from "I can't help you," to "Gee, that sucks!" to "Come have meatloaf for dinner."

My niece, who is financially well-off, commented that it sucked. I told them all that I HAVE NO WATER. I do have a five-day-a-week job. I just don't have a lot of money because of so many things that have happened. I'll have the money in a week or so, but I can't live without water for that long.

Is it wrong to want them to offer to help me? Am I expecting too much? If the situation were reversed, I would offer help immediately. -- IN A TOUGH SPOT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR TOUGH SPOT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband. No, it's not wrong to want your relatives to offer to help you out with a bridge loan until the money you're expecting arrives. However, because they didn't offer, ASK them for one, and be willing to sign a note if they wish. Then cross your fingers that one of them agrees. If none of them do, approach your employer and ask for an advance on your salary, or contact the water company and ask if you can strike a deal. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have two sons together who are 14 and 16. I have always kept things amicable for the kids' sake, but it came at a high price. I took a lot less in the divorce than I was legally entitled to because he threatened that we "would not have a good relationship." I didn't want the kids to suffer and, since they were going to live with me, I thought that was the most important thing, so I caved.

The kids have no idea what I gave up in order to keep the peace. We've always spoken kindly about each other in front of them. Now that one of my sons is older, he wants to live with his dad because he feels he missed out on that relationship growing up.

How do I not feel resentful that he wants to live with the person who was so emotionally abusive during our marriage and divorce? I sacrificed a lot for this harmony, and now it almost feels like I did it for nothing. Part of me wants to tell my son how he acted, but I know that wouldn't be right. Any suggestions? -- KEPT THE PEACE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR KEPT THE PEACE: Yes. I "suggest" you continue taking the high road and resist the urge to trash your ex. Don't resent your son's decision, because he may have no idea how his father treated you. Your son is likely to get not only an eyeful but also an earful while he stays with his dad. Leopards don't usually change their spots, and emotionally abusive people tend to act out with anyone they perceive to be defenseless. Remain in close contact with your son. If the pattern holds true, he may be back before you know it.

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, one of my oldest/dearest friends, "Wanda," got a divorce. Her husband, "Tex," cheated on her and left her. Tex happens to be my husband's oldest/dearest friend. We met at their wedding. Tex is now being remarried (to the woman he cheated on my friend with), and my husband and I are invited to the wedding. Wanda says I "cannot go to that wedding" and that she would never do this to me if the situation were reversed. She's still extremely angry at her ex.

My husband wants to go, and he wants me there with him (it is out of state). He says we are a "package deal." I am now stuck in the middle. Do I end a 37-year friendship and go to the wedding? Or do I disappoint my husband? He has always been there for me and goes to all my events with my friends. -- TORN IN NEW YORK

DEAR TORN: Remind Wanda that Tex is your husband's oldest friend, and your husband intends to attend that wedding. Tell her that as much as you sympathize with her feelings, your husband wants you there with him because "We are a package deal," and you do not intend to disappoint him. She should not be using you in an attempt to punish her cheating ex-husband, which would probably be lost on him anyway. It's time for her to grow up, live her own life and move on.

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a close friend I'll call "Al." (We are like family.) Over the past five months, Al has been seeing two women and sleeping with both of them. Neither one knows about the other. He admits that one of them thinks they are in a committed relationship, however, he refuses to choose between the two. He actually plans the exact same date so he can compare them! I feel bad for them and want to tell him what he's doing is wrong. My husband insists I shouldn't interfere. Al keeps saying he wants us to meet these women, and I just can't imagine keeping my mouth shut. What to do? -- RIGHT OR WRONG IN VIRGINIA

DEAR RIGHT OR WRONG: Al is dishonest and lacks integrity. He may be a close friend, but that doesn't mean you must participate in the games he is playing. A way to avoid that would be to refuse to meet them.

DEAR ABBY: One of the things I always do when I have my parents and my sibling's family over is play the piano. My 80-year-old father LOVES to hear me play. I am an accomplished pianist and I love to play difficult pieces.

During their most recent visit, while I was "trying" to play the Warsaw Concerto for my father, my family was talking over my grand piano, my niece was chasing my grand-niece through the living room and my sister-in-law was filming me, which was chaotic and terribly distracting. I think they were rude and disrespectful. How can I get them to stop this kind of behavior without sounding like a snotty jerk? -- SERIOUS MUSICIAN IN COLORADO

DEAR MUSICIAN: When you wish to perform a concert for your father, entertain your parents apart from your sibling and the kids.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years died eight months ago. It was a second marriage for both of us, and we each have two adult children. Since the funeral, I have seen his kids and grandkids only when they need something, like college tuition or car repairs. (I knew it would happen.) They do include me in events which require gifts, probably because I continue to be generous. Three other grandparents are very involved, which is fine, but I feel awkward and not cared about. My husband would be so disappointed. How should I handle this? -- WISTFUL WIDOW IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WIDOW: Handle it by facing reality. If you are invited to an event you don't wish to attend, send the "kid" or "grandkid" a nice card with your congratulations. If someone asks you why, be forthright. Tell the person you have realized the only times you were included are those that require gifts. Then be quiet, hang onto your sense of humor and listen. It's important that you focus your attention on moving forward in your life and doing things that bring you pleasure. Above all, do not nurture relationships in which you feel you are not valued.