Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I separated three months ago. She has moved out into her own apartment. We are not legally separated or divorced. She removed her wedding ring three weeks after she left. I want to reconcile. Whether she does at this point, she's not sure. She says she isn't seeing anyone, nor is she interested in anyone. I want to keep wearing my wedding ring, but because she's not wearing hers, I feel like an idiot wearing mine. What is the proper etiquette for us? -- CAN'T LET GO

DEAR CAN'T LET GO: A wedding ring indicates that the person -- female or male -- is unavailable for a romantic involvement. When your wife removed her ring, the message she was sending out is that her marriage is over -- whether you two are officially divorced or not. Now you need to do what is comfortable for yourself. Because you want to reconcile, give her a deadline to make up her mind whether the separation is permanent, and suggest marriage counseling to settle your differences. After that, if she still isn't interested and wants a divorce, talk to a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: I live in an affluent neighborhood where a group of us get together for drinks, holidays, etc. But out of seven women in the group, only two or three are given birthday parties every year. The rest of us are never acknowledged -- not even with a card.

I'm tired of going to celebrate someone else's birthday when mine is passed over with no mention. This may seem petty, but after years of this, it has gotten old. I've thought of saying something, but I'm not sure how to express it. Or should I just keep my mouth shut? -- OVERLOOKED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR OVERLOOKED: Is everyone in that group aware of when all of the members' birthdays are? Because you haven't spoken up, they may not be. I don't think it would be poor form to pipe up at the next get-together that "Jennifer," "Angelina," "Viola" and you also have birthdays coming up and when they occur. If none of them are acknowledged after that, speak up as a group and say humorously that your feelings are hurt. However, if still no effort is made, the four or five of you should consider celebrating your birthdays separately.

DEAR ABBY: In the last few years, a good friend has grown increasingly radical in his political views, which caused a severe rupture in our friendship. I am still hurt by what transpired because it turned personal at one point.

My friend has now written an apology for his extremism and asked for my forgiveness. I can't help but wonder whether, if the political climate hadn't changed, he would be apologizing now. How do I forgive my friend, and perhaps open a path to a renewed friendship, while I still feel this way? -- NERVOUS ABOUT THIS IN NEW YORK

DEAR NERVOUS: You can (possibly) manage it by concentrating on the positive aspects of the relationship you shared rather than dwelling on the pain of the rupture. It can be done. It's called selective memory.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together 23 years. A few years ago, he told a friend of his he wasn't in love with or attracted to me. I'm the same 5-foot-6-inch, 135-pound woman he married. Recently, he has become increasingly short-tempered.

He gets angry at every driver on the road, he destroyed the vacuum when it stopped working and recently went after our 10-pound rescue dog for peeing when he yelled at him. I intervened when he started screaming that he would kill the dog. He then turned on me, yelling and breaking things.

I've never seen him this angry, and I am afraid it's escalating and he will physically harm the dog or me. Is it time to leave? He's no longer the man I married. -- FEARFUL IN TEXAS

DEAR FEARFUL: What you are describing is not normal behavior. Contact your doctor about the drastic change in your husband's personality because it could be symptomatic of a serious illness. After that, the next time he presents a physical danger, call the police and ensure your safety by leaving. And if you do, take your rescue dog with you.

DEAR ABBY: I am about to start my new college experience, but I have a few concerns. I'm very picky, and I enjoy my alone time. I like to keep my space clean and tidy, and I'm afraid my roommate(s) will be slobs and I'll end up cleaning up after them. I also need alone time so I can focus on myself to recoup after a long day. When I'm here at home I will usually do that in my bedroom. But if I have roommates, that will be difficult to do. I guess I'm asking how to find a happy medium so my roommates and I can be at peace at all times. -- WANTS TO PREPARE

DEAR WANTS: Because you didn't specify how many roommates you will be sharing your space with, I will assume there are more than one -- which may place you in the minority. Be open and honest with them about your desire for neatness and tidiness. They may not be as particular as you are, but it will provide you the opportunity to live with different kinds of people. As to the peace and quiet you crave, if adapting to each other's schedules isn't possible, consider heading to the library to find the peace and quiet you need. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired, so I have free time on my hands. Recently, while doing a favor for a neighbor couple, I was standing on their porch when a board broke and one of my legs went through up to my thigh. They expressed concern at the time, and I told them I thought I was OK.

The next day, my knee and upper thigh were swollen and bruised. My leg is improving each day, and for that I'm thankful. This happened more than two weeks ago, and I have not gotten a phone call or anything else from these neighbors. Have people really gotten that insensitive, or am I making a big deal out of nothing? -- OLD SCHOOL IN GEORGIA

DEAR OLD SCHOOL: No, you are not making a big deal out of nothing. And yes, some people have become that insensitive. The reason for your neighbors' silence may be lack of empathy, or it could be fear of a lawsuit. Or they may have thought it was unnecessary to check further because you said you were OK.

DEAR ABBY: I was sexually assaulted by my cousin's boyfriend a short while ago, and it was hard for me to process. When I told my cousin about it, she acknowledged that it wasn't OK, but made it all about her. Although we are extremely close, I didn't get the type of support I was hoping for. In the end, she got back with him, and casually contacts me trying to sweep things under the rug.

I have been sitting on a message for a couple of weeks that I want to send to her, telling her I don't want to be in contact with her for a while. It's hard for me, because we're family. Because nobody knows the whole story, everyone is quick to think I'm the one "isolating" her from my life. What do I do, Abby? -- STUCK AND LOST IN NEW YORK

DEAR STUCK AND LOST: The person who assaulted you is a predator, and your cousin appears to be clueless. Inform her that, under the circumstances, as long as her boyfriend is in the picture, you will be keeping your distance because you no longer feel safe around him.

And please, rather than stay silent about what her boyfriend did to you, tell your friends and family what happened. Contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network for support and guidance. (It's the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the U.S.) The toll-free number to call is 1-800-656-HOPE, or if you prefer, chat online at rainn.org. Whether you were assaulted or raped, file a police report so it will be on record in case he does it to someone else, which he may.

DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law are divorcing after almost 10 years. We love them both, and the divorce is amicable. They own a home, and my DIL is staying there.

My son is very easygoing and doesn't need the "finer" things in life. He has a truck. He built a small camper in the back, and there is a camper shell. We have asked him to move back in with us. He's going to school with about two years to go, and also works a full-time job. They had a fair amount of savings, but he doesn't want to buy a house right now. He thinks that since he is happy living in his truck, he should do that rather than waste money on an apartment. Rent is very high in our area so I understand, but we have a finished basement that he could live in.

I worry about him sleeping in his truck every night, so I text him every night with a quick note. Am I being too much of a "helicopter mom"? I realize he has lived on his own since he was 19. (He is now 34.) -- LOVING PARENT IN UTAH

DEAR PARENT: You have extended the offer. I assume that when the weather turns cold or he needs to take a shower or do a load of laundry, you have let him know that he is welcome to avail himself of your hospitality -- and have a nice dinner -- anytime he wishes. There are "helicopter" moms and "hell-i-copter" moms. You are neither. You are a loving, caring mom.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on hot tub etiquette. If I were to invite a nudist lady to soak with me in a hot tub, would it be impolite for me to ask her to wear a mask? -- RAY IN NEW YORK

DEAR RAY (OF SUNSHINE ON A CLOUDY DAY): Thank you for writing. If you are unaware of someone's antibody status, do not invite any stranger to get naked with you unless you are wearing a full-body condom, regardless of how tempted you are.