Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, but I'm still having a difficult time getting over him. I discovered he was responding to sexual messages from men and sending them pictures of himself, including his body parts. I feel this is the biggest betrayal any woman could experience, and keeping the truth from our mutual friends has been difficult.

When people ask me what caused the breakup, I have to deny the truth and tell them we just grew apart. Now I wonder if he ever loved me or was he just using me because I was the breadwinner while he stayed home. I keep wondering if all those times he claimed to be at the gym was he really there? Please help me. -- BROKEN DIGNITY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BROKEN: That your boyfriend wasn't honest about the fact that he was bisexual and unfaithful was, indeed, a betrayal. I also agree that all those times he claimed to be "at the gym" he was likely with "Jim." That you supported him financially while he involved himself with others -- regardless of their gender -- was another betrayal.

You should be on your knees thanking your higher power you learned what was going on before you wasted more time (or money) on him. Quit covering for him by lying to your friends about what happened. You are not the first woman to fall for a cheater and you won't be the last.

P.S. If you haven't already contacted your doctor to be tested for STDs, the time is now.

DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine hadn't been feeling well. After seeing her doctor for a full day of tests she met up with me, and I listened to her concerns. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "God, I hope you don't have cancer!" She became very upset because of my comment and made me feel guilty for even mentioning it. While I meant my remark to be more caring than callous, it backfired.

With cancer so prevalent in today's society, when is it OK to talk about it? Is it something we tiptoe around and discuss only after a full diagnosis? I regret my words, and need to know how I can become a more caring, supportive friend. -- OOPS, IN FLORIDA

DEAR "OOPS": Cancer, like other illnesses that can be fatal, should be discussed when and if the person has the diagnosis, reveals it and feels the need to discuss it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 46 years. The only disagreement we have had during all this time is my hairstyle. Growing up, I had curly (kinky) hair, for which I was bullied and teased. I feel secure and safe when I straighten it. He loves it curly.

I feel insecure and sad when I try to make him happy. Because I feel so much better with straight hair, I don't think I can honor his wishes. To some people, this may seem trivial, but it's a major issue in our home. I would appreciate your advice. -- "HAIR-DON'T" OUT WEST

DEAR "HAIR-DON'T": My advice is, to thine own self be true. If you feel depressed and insecure with curly hair, then you should not feel forced to wear it that way. It's your head and your feelings, and your husband will have to adjust and accept it.

DEAR ABBY: Should a 23-year-old son pay room and board even though he spends little time at home and eats out often? He doesn't do laundry or help around the house. His argument is, we shouldn't take money so he can save and buy a condo.

We are middle-class people and, at times, some bills are hard to pay. Our 20-year-old daughter contributes $100 a week, but she earns considerably more than he does. He is laying a guilt trip on us, and now I'm questioning whether our daughter should pay if he doesn't. Your advice will help us clarify how the household should run. -- TEMPORARILY CONFUSED MOM

DEAR TEMPORARILY CONFUSED: Your adult children should both contribute because the income is needed. Since your son earns less than your daughter and can't afford to pay as much as she does, perhaps he should pay the same percentage of his income as his sister. However, if that's not feasible, he should absolutely be doing chores around the house to make up for it. The longer you coddle him, the heavier his guilt trips will become and the greater your frustration will be.

DEAR ABBY: Does it seem to you that the definition of the word "fiance" has changed? It used to mean a future spouse, someone whom you were committed to marry after a planned engagement period. Now, though, it seems to mean merely the person with whom you are currently having sex, or with whom you have a baby in common. Am I right? -- OLD FOGEY IN PHOENIX

DEAR "FOGEY": The definition of fiance has definitely changed since the inception of this advice column. Well into the 1960s, when a couple said they were engaged, it meant they would be married -- usually within a year. However, over the last 20 years or so, I have received mail from women referring to the father of their children or the men they have been living with for an extended period as their "fiance." (Men, not so often.)

For anyone interested in reading more about this subject, go online and search for a fascinating article that appeared on Slate.com. The title is, "What Do You Call the Person You Are Probably Never Going To Marry?" by Hanna Rosin. I highly recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a potluck baby shower. I have also been invited to potluck weddings! I always thought the point of a shower/wedding was providing for your guests while they provide gifts. Food is not expensive, and if money is an issue, one could schedule a shower outside of mealtimes, or with simple tea and cookies. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. -- POTLUCK BABY SHOWER

DEAR POTLUCK: My thought is: If the concept of a potluck baby shower or wedding is offensive to you, rather than judge, you should send your regrets.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "John," for a year and a half. He had been divorced for two years after a 20-year marriage when we got together. He told me he and his ex, "Jessica," were still good friends. I thought it was OK since they were co-parenting their kid. I have children of my own, and I understand.

I gave up everything and moved two hours away to move in with John. Then I realized he was constantly talking and texting with her. Then I noticed all the food containers in the fridge were from her. It made me realize how much he depends on Jessica. John told me they divorced because they grew apart.

When we discussed it further, John admitted he still depends on Jessica for everything from dinners to paying his bills and daily conversations. They are both in relationships and continue to act like this. Their "kid" is now 18 and has graduated from high school. Am I wrong for not wanting to move forward in this relationship? John doesn't seem to want or need me. -- CONFUSED IN MONTANA

DEAR CONFUSED: To say that John is overly dependent on Jessica would be an understatement, and Jessica seems to like it that way. You're not wrong for preferring not to move forward in this relationship; you are intelligent. For you to move forward, Jessica would have to step aside -- and it appears that neither she nor John is open to doing that.

DEAR ABBY: I am a petite, 53-year-old woman who works out four to five times a week, so I'm in very good shape. I often perform manual labor jobs instead of hiring someone or using equipment. I regard it as an opportunity for an extra workout. Someday I may have to take the easier path, but not yet.

When people see me do things that are considered hard work, they presume I need help. For instance, today I bought 30 cement blocks to start building a wall. Several men asked if I needed help. I refused politely as I always do, saying they were thoughtful to offer but I didn't need help. They replied, "No problem."

A short time later it started raining. A woman walked by carrying an umbrella and offered to help, and I responded just as politely. She put her umbrella down and started lifting the blocks into my car anyway! I said, "No need. You were sweet to offer, but I'm getting my morning workout." She took offense and snapped, "Sorry to 'impose.' I was trying to help," and stalked off! This happens often.

I feel bad after these encounters. It seems I am perceived as ungrateful, but if I need help, I will ask for it. How can I convey this more effectively, or must I just accept the help? -- TRYING HARD IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING HARD: If multiple people are offended when you refuse their offers of help, there may be something wrong with the way you're delivering your message. Sometimes it isn't what we say but the words we choose or their tone that can be off-putting. My advice is to talk this over with some of your friends and see how they react.