Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes when my husband, "Tom," drinks he becomes volatile. A month ago, after being out drinking, he came home very late. I made a joke that upset him and he started yelling and calling me names. I have learned that when Tom gets like that, it's best to just agree with him.

On that occasion, it didn't work, and he began breaking things. Our teenage son "Eric" was so scared he called the police. When the police arrived they told my husband who had placed the call and interviewed each of us separately. After they left, Tom called Eric ugly names, told him he was done with him and hasn't spoken to him since. If they are in the same room, my husband won't look at him or talk to him.

I don't know how to fix this. I worry about how this will affect Eric. He tries to avoid his dad now and goes to his room when he hears his dad come home. -- BAD BEHAVIOR IN TEXAS

DEAR BAD BEHAVIOR: Your husband may blame his abusive outbursts on his drinking, but as you can see, he's well aware of what he did after he sobers up. Eric was right to call the police because, after "breaking things," his father could have gone after you.

This unfortunate situation will not improve until Tom faces the fact that he's a problem drinker, swears off the sauce and gets help. By not insisting upon it, you have cast yourself in the role of his enabler. For your sake and Eric's, draw the line. (The healthiest person in your household appears to be your son.)

Talk to Eric. Let him know he did nothing wrong. There are programs for families of alcoholics that can be accessed by visiting al-anon.org/info. Attending Al-Anon meetings would be beneficial for you and Eric, regardless of what your husband decides about drying out.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's daughter has "borrowed" money from us on countless occasions when she couldn't pay her bills. She has never made an effort to repay it. She was recently included in someone's will, and the bequest was sizable. Prior to receiving her inheritance, she had asked to borrow money to buy three major appliances. Because it would be several months until the estate would be settled and it was a large sum that we really couldn't afford to lose, we required her to sign a promissory note. She mailed us a check when her funds arrived, but now she's cut off all communication with us! We have tried to resume normal relations with her to no avail. Should we keep trying? -- IGNORED IN THE EAST

DEAR IGNORED: So your husband's daughter is offended because you made her sign a promissory note before handing out (more) money you couldn't afford to lose? In light of the fact that she hasn't repaid you for all the other monies you helped her out with when she needed it, what you did was sensible.

Rather than accept that in the past she has behaved irresponsibly, which is why you asked for the guarantee of repayment, she's blaming you?! Instead of beating your heads against a stone wall trying to have a relationship with your husband's deadbeat daughter, you would be better off biding your time until she once again needs something.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for 19 years. He wants to get married, but I keep putting it off. I was married before; he's never been married. I haven't done it because I can't get over something his mom did to me more than 10 years ago.

I was close with her. Her daughter-in-law and I knew each other from when we were younger, but we never got along. Well, she convinced my boyfriend's mom that I was sleeping with a friend of theirs, which was a lie. Instead of coming to me asking me about it, she and her DIL came to my house, screaming at me and ordered me to let my boyfriend go so he could be happy and find someone else, since I was messing around. I was so stunned I just said, "Fine!" and told them to leave. My boyfriend was furious. He called his mom and yelled at her. When she realized it wasn't true, she apologized.

My issue is, I was more hurt than mad because of how it was handled. Am I being selfish and stubborn? -- STILL HURT IN FLORIDA

DEAR STILL HURT: You are neither selfish nor stubborn. You are foolish. If you think you are punishing your boyfriend's mother by refusing to marry her son (for 19 years!), you are mistaken. It hasn't affected her at all. I do think you are overdue in finding a way to bury the hatchet with the woman whose mistake was in believing everything she was told.

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband and I married, we were regaled with stories about the antiques that would come to him because he is the eldest son. We spent many long weekends across the country taking care of the in-laws' "honey-do" lists, and my mother-in-law often told us this-and-that item would be ours someday.

Well, guess what? They turned around and gave every single one to my brother-in-law. Yes, I realize it's their privilege to dispose of their property as they wish. But how do we reconcile feeling used? Am I out of bounds because I expected their promise to be honored and remembered? I no longer care to be around them or hear their empty promises. I feel they defrauded my husband by promising tens of thousands of dollars' worth of silver and furniture, and then handed it all to his brother. Any advice? -- SLIGHTED IN LOUISIANA

DEAR SLIGHTED: Ask your in-laws politely why they promised the heirlooms to you and your husband and then gave them to his brother. If they planned to follow through, it should have been put in writing in case something unexpected happened. Unless there is something you didn't include in your letter, what your in-laws did was terrible. In the future, it would be understandable if you were less at their beck and call when their "honey-do" list needs attending to.

DEAR ABBY: My wonderful boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year and a half. We have lived together almost since Day One. This is the second major relationship for both of us. (He is divorced). He's planning a trip back home to visit family and take care of some business deals. I will not be going with him on this trip. When he returns, his mother will be coming with him. The issue is, there's no definite return date for her. She overstayed her welcome in the past (before we were together) and turned a two-week stay into seven months.

I'm a very solitary person. I like being around my boyfriend and no one else on a regular basis. I don't mind her coming to visit, but I'm extremely anxious because she hasn't set a date to return home. I have made clear to my boyfriend that I do not want her staying longer than two weeks, which he is fine with, so I'm not the wicked witch here. I just don't know how to nicely broach the subject with her and convey that we would like her visit to be on the brief side.

I admit I'm not the most tactful person when it comes to delicate topics. I tend to be blunt and I have been described as "honest to a fault" before. How can this subject be brought up without hurting anyone's feelings? I want to be able to enjoy time with her while she's here, not worry about when she'll leave. -- ANGST-RIDDEN IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANGST-RIDDEN: In light of the fact that you tend to be "plain-spoken," you should not be the person to discuss this with your boyfriend's mother. It would be more appropriate for her son to have "the talk" with her so all of you know what the parameters will be and the message is delivered with tact.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 42 years passed away two years ago. His children and I get along fine, but when he was alive, they never acknowledged our anniversary. Now that their dad is gone, they send me anniversary cards each year on the date. I find it annoying that they never thought to wish us "Happy Anniversary" while he was alive, which he would have loved. I suspect they just do it to try to stay on my good side and perhaps stay in my will. How do I politely tell them to stop, that their cards only remind me that my darling is gone and they never acknowledged our marriage when it would have actually meant something? -- DISTRESSED STEPMOM

DEAR DISTRESSED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. After 42 years, the adjustment must be a very painful one. Because you want to be polite -- and perhaps maintain a cordial (if not loving) relationship with his children, convey that you would prefer they not send anniversary cards "because they are a painful reminder of his loss at a sensitive time." Resist the urge to point out that they failed to acknowledge the occasion during their father's lifetime.