Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I once hosted a holiday dinner for which I had made a ham and a turkey with all the sides and three different pies. I even made a special mince pie for one of the guests. The guests -- my brothers-in-law, my brother and his family of four and his mother-in-law -- all showed up carrying empty Tupperware. At the end of the day, all I had left was dirty dishes.

The same family then invited me and my husband for a holiday dinner. My husband wasn't feeling well and couldn't go. When I asked my sister-in-law if I could take a plate home for him, she said, "Nope! If he doesn't want to come to the house, he can't have any of the food." Yes, Abby, she was serious.

My sister-in-law cooks the meat she received as a gift from her employer, and the rest of the guests prepare the sides and desserts. I NEVER go empty-handed. At the end of the meal, she transfers any leftovers to their own Tupperware and gives us back the cleaned bowls. If I ask for a little of something to take home, she protects her leftovers like they were her children.

What's your take on leftovers? Is asking for a little fruit salad off limits? Is relieving your host of the burden of storing all of their leftovers out of line? Are there rules of etiquette here? -- HOPING FOR A SANDWICH LATER

DEAR HOPING: If you would like the living, breathing definition of presumptuous guests and ungracious hosts, look no further than your in-laws' contact file. The fault, however, may not lie solely with them. If this has happened more than once and you cannot summon the courage to tell these greedy folks to put away their Tupperware and help with the dishes, you can't blame them for assuming you don't mind being imposed upon in this way.

As to the sister-in-law who refused to allow you to bring any of her food to your sick husband, I wouldn't blame you if you chose not to grace her table again after telling her the reason why.

DEAR ABBY: I am an adopted 17-year-old high school senior, and I live with four people who all have a disability. I want to move out when I'm 18 if I am able to. I have several older brothers and sisters, but they each have a family to take care of. My oldest brother is in his 60s, and my youngest in his 40s.

I don't want to seem selfish for wanting to live independently, but I don't know how to tell them. I don't know how to tell them anything because, in the past, they haven't listened to me. If you have any advice on how to tell them, I would be very grateful. -- NERVOUS GIRL IN NEW YORK

DEAR NERVOUS GIRL: I wish you had mentioned when you will be turning 18, because at that point you will be legally entitled to live wherever you wish, and your parents and siblings will have to "listen to you."

Because you are determined to move, it is crucial that you start preparing now. You will need to find a job so you can afford a security deposit and pay for rent, food, etc. You may also have to find roommates until you can afford a place that is all your own. A counselor at school may be able to guide you, particularly if you plan to continue your education.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and have a big problem. My mom and my dad have been married a long time. I was looking through pictures on Mom's phone and found some very inappropriate and romantic texts from "Rob," her business partner. Mom forces our whole family to hang out with Rob, and my brother doesn't like him either. But anytime we bring it up, my mom yells at us and makes me cry. She wants me to be friends with Rob.

One time when we were all at a restaurant, someone asked if he was my dad. I know what she is doing with him, and I can't focus on school because of it. I think my dad knows -- kind of -- but I'm sure he hasn't seen the texts that I saw. I don't want to ruin my family, but I cry about it every night alone. I know my parents won't go to couples counseling, and I don't want to hurt my brother either. Any help would be very much appreciated. -- KID WHO KNOWS THE TRUTH

DEAR KID: Because this is causing emotional problems that are affecting your studies, it can't be ignored. It is time for you to talk about this with a school counselor, a relative or a family friend for emotional support and guidance.

I also think at some point you should talk to your mother about what you found on her phone. Tell her that's the reason you don't want to be friends with her business partner. Your sense of right and wrong is valid, and don't let her tell you otherwise. Do not be surprised if she's upset about the fact that you know what has been going on, so be prepared for it. I am sorry you have to go through this. It's a shame.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my husband and I bought and moved into a very old, small house in our ideal neighborhood, which has beautifully manicured yards, nice people and a lot of diversity. We had a vision for this place, and it was perfect for us.

A friend of mine, "Maggie," who I knew had a judgmental streak, repeatedly asked to come see the house, which I knew was nowhere near in the condition for visitors. After about her 10th request, I told myself maybe I was overreacting to her potential reaction, and I invited her into my home for a tour. Three years later, my husband and I remodeled our home to fit our vision. We are happy.

Six months after the remodel was complete, my husband and I were at a friend's house and Maggie was there. At one point, Maggie's husband commented to us that he couldn't believe we had moved into that "s--- shack." My husband's jaw dropped. Maggie jumped up and said, "I didn't call it that!" Of course it was logical that she did. She had seen it; he had not.

To this day, a year and a half later, I cannot get over why someone I invited into my home would say something so horrible about it behind my back or that her husband would repeat it among a group of mutual friends. My husband refuses to engage with Maggie and her husband. What should I do? -- PROUD OF MY HOME NOW

DEAR PROUD: I am sorry you didn't write sooner about this. If you had, I would have advised you to tell Maggie exactly how that incident made you and your husband feel. It is a little late for that now, but you would certainly be within your rights to clear the air if you wish. What they said was uncalled for.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old man, and I'm currently incarcerated. My girlfriend, "Diana," and I have been together for four years. She has a 6-year-old daughter, and I have a 7-year-old son. Our kids are very close, and I am also very close to her daughter.

I may be locked up for some time. I have given Diana the option of moving on without me, but she says she doesn't want to do that. She is going to stay with me no matter what. That's great, but everyone around her is pregnant and having babies, and Diana tells me how much she wants another baby. Is it selfish of me to allow her to stick it out with me, knowing I can't give her what she wants? -- INSIDE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR INSIDE: Diana is a grown woman and capable of making this decision for herself. Just because "everyone around her" is having babies doesn't mean she has to. If she wants to wait for your release, she can have a child with you at that time, and this is what I am advising.

DEAR ABBY: I need some help trying to save my marriage. I don't talk a lot in a relationship or with other people. I am aware that communication is important in a relationship, but I never realized how important it was until my wife told me I don't communicate enough and we started talking about divorce.

We have a 4-year-old, who I think is the glue to our marriage. I would like our marriage to last, but I'm afraid ours is so far gone it can't be fixed. Could you please help me try to save our marriage? -- HANGING IN THERE OUT WEST

DEAR HANGING: Tell your wife you love her and are willing to work on your communication skills with her help, if she is willing. If her response is affirmative, the two of you should seek a referral to a licensed clinical social worker or a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you learn to communicate with each other more effectively.

DEAR ABBY: I love trains. I can imitate a train whistle, and I like doing it. I learned how to do it about 10 years ago by listening to trains whistle for many years. I'm in my 30s now. I know there are places I shouldn't do it. Some people I know like to hear me do it anywhere. Others say I should do it only outside. Still others say don't do it at all.

When I see and hear a train, I will sometimes automatically whistle. It's not the best thing to do, I suppose, but it's not the worst either. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, and I'm fairly healthy. What do you think of my imitating a train whistle? Have you ever heard of anyone doing this? -- WHISTLING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WHISTLING: Congratulations. Your letter is a first. I have never heard of someone imitating a train whistle who was over the age of 8. I see no harm in doing it as long as it doesn't annoy the people around you by startling them or putting their hearing at risk.