DEAR ABBY: I am an old man, married to a wonderful woman who does everything for me. I'm in poor health and don't expect to live much longer. My wife is a youthful 80. She's trim, pretty, active, hardworking, loving and sexy. She enjoys skiing, fishing, gardening, board games, puzzles etc. She is the most organized person I have ever known. She likes to cook and entertain and is excellent at both.

Although she has quite a few friends -- widowed and otherwise -- we don't know any men who would be acceptable as a future mate after I'm gone. She's financially independent and meticulous about keeping track of expenses. Neither of us is formally religious.

To be blunt, I can't imagine a better wife for someone special. I would like us to meet a man, probably in his 70s, preferably widowed, physically active, romantically inclined, energetic, capable with tools and household projects, not addicted to drugs or alcohol, financially independent and preferably politically conservative who would be a potential mate for her after I am gone.

We have discussed this to a limited extent, but she has expressed little interest in the subject. I can't imagine she won't experience a renaissance after this albatross is off of her neck. She has more than earned it. If you have any suggestions, I would appreciate them. -- THANKFUL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR THANKFUL: You are clearly a caring and protective husband who is deeply in love with and concerned for his wife. However, as much as you would like to screen the applicants to fill the vacancy that your death would create, there are some things a person must do for themself. When you pass on, your wife may not feel ready to move on according to your timetable. Please let her make this decision for herself when the time is right.

P.S. I am sorry you are not in better health, because it seems you and your wife have a strong and loving relationship that will not be easy to replace.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson is in a relationship with a girl who manipulates him and abuses him emotionally. I told my grandson what she is doing, but he doesn't see it. Because of that, neither one of them is speaking to me.

My grandson was a caring, happy person until he met her. Now he's withdrawn. He is working, but she is not. They are struggling to make a life for themselves. When I ask how he's doing, he just says OK and nothing more. Is there anything I can do to make him see what she is doing to him? -- IT'S OBVIOUS IN IOWA

DEAR OBVIOUS: No. You have done everything you can by trying to enlighten your grandson, who, it appears, "love" has blinded. Now it's time for you to accept that nothing will change until he wakes up and smells the coffee.

DEAR ABBY: I had weight-loss surgery three years ago and lost 134 pounds. Two years later, I traded addictions and became a problem drinker. During this time I met a man, but my drinking came between us and we broke up. I stopped drinking three months ago. He contacted me and, when he found out I had quit drinking, we had lunch and talked and we are now dating again.

After a week of dating, he said, "I notice you are eating more than when we dated before. Have you stretched out your stomach?" I said, "No, because I'm no longer drinking, I now eat three meals a day." He said, "I sure don't want you to gain back all that weight you lost!"

My feelings are very hurt and I'm even a bit angry. I really do like him. What should I say to him that will convey my feelings? I want to stand up for myself without being crass. -- TRYING AGAIN IN ARKANSAS

DEAR TRYING: The next time you are face-to-face, say, "I would like to revisit something you said to me recently. You said, 'Have you stretched out your stomach? I sure don't want you to gain back all that weight you lost!' It was really hurtful. Surely you know I don't want to gain back all the weight either, nor do I intend to. But if eating healthfully means I'll carry a few more pounds than I did when I was drinking, you will either have to accept it or I will have to stop seeing you."

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is having a small wedding. I have one sister that my daughter and I speak with who is invited to the wedding. I have another sister who hasn't been in contact with my daughter in 20 years. We have minimal contact.

The invited sister is now threatening to give her invitation to my other sister! Have you ever heard of such a thing? She feels that no matter what, family should be invited, and she has taken it upon herself to invite our other sister to the wedding. How do I handle this situation? -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

DEAR MOTHER: Tell the sister you are still speaking to that when an invitation is sent, it is intended only for the individual whose name appears on the envelope. Contact the sister you speak to rarely and explain that your daughter's wedding will be a small one, and since she hasn't been close to your daughter in 20 years, she is not on the guest list.

If that doesn't do the trick and she crashes the wedding, don't make a scene. Seat her in the back and explain politely that because she wasn't invited, no accommodation has been made for her at the reception. Focus on your daughter on her big day and avoid any backstage drama.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 69 and a retired military man. My wife passed away almost two years ago. I'm very fond of a single neighbor who is 30 and has two children. She has been inviting me for supper at her house at least three times a week and when I leave, we hug. I'd like to kiss her but I don't know if I should ask first or tell her I'm getting attached to her. How do I find out if she has feelings for me? -- PUZZLED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR PUZZLED: A way to do that would be to say, "I'd like to kiss you. How do you feel about that?" Then be prepared for the answer either way.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for five years. We do not live together, nor do we share any children (we have three grown kids from previous marriages). He has been a smoker since he was very young, and when we got together, he said he would like to quit. Well, it still hasn't happened.

As the child of an addict (alcohol) I understand how difficult quitting can be. Luckily, my father quit cold turkey 20 years ago and never relapsed. Abby, I do not want a future with a smoker. The smell of stale tobacco is unappealing. It's not exactly a breath freshener, and the health consequences are dire.

Am I within my rights to put my foot down? I brought up quitting this week in response to him lamenting that he looks aged beyond his years (which is true). He became very defensive and made me seem like a monster for asking for a real timeline about quitting. He struggles with anxiety and thinks trying to quit will send him over the edge, and I would be the one pushing him. How do I navigate future conversations? -- CHOKING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CHOKING: Tell your boyfriend you care about him and about his health, but you can no longer tolerate watching him damage it because of his tobacco addiction. If he doesn't already know that the smell on his breath, body and clothing is offensive, point it out, and also that secondhand smoke is unhealthy for you. Then tell him he has a choice to make: It's the smoking or you. The decision is his. There are many effective smoking cessation programs available, and he should discuss them with his physician, who may be delighted to know he is interested.

P.S. In this day and age many women -- and men -- simply "swipe left" if they encounter a smoker.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently in a relationship that is approaching the seven-year mark. We dated in our 20s and rekindled in our 40s. We live together, but I'm afraid we are growing apart. Due to health issues, I don't work; he works second shift. I cry easily and have always been an emotional person.

When there are disagreements, we can usually work it out. My problem is, I think about the discussion later and have more to say or ask. He then tells me we have already talked about it and he's not discussing it again. He says I "overanalyze everything." It's not that. I just have another question or something I left out.

His refusal to talk makes me feel as though things are unresolved. He just downright won't talk about something we have already discussed! Please help me to understand if I am too demanding and should just leave it alone. -- UNANSWERED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UNANSWERED: It isn't "too demanding" to want to discuss something further. If revisiting the issue would rekindle the disagreement, your partner is far too controlling. If you have a question, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to ask without it leading to conflict. To deny you that opportunity seems disrespectful.

Give it more time after a disagreement and decide if it's really necessary to revisit the subject. When you do, avoid reapproaching it in a way that could be perceived as an invitation to another argument.