Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my parents betrayed my son and me. They took in and supported my ex-husband, who walked out on us for a coworker he was cheating with. My son and I lost our home, our car and the life we knew without support from any family. My son was still in high school, and it was a dark time in both of our lives.

My parents are both older and have been diagnosed with life-threatening conditions. They are now reaching out to us. To say the least, I am apprehensive. Having to go through what I did with only the support of my friends and son made me stronger, and I (literally and figuratively) have moved on.

I don't know if I should reconsider a relationship with my parents. Losing my father's support was harder than losing my husband, and I don't want to experience that pain again. Can you advise? -- BURNED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR BURNED: You did not desert your parents; your parents deserted you when you needed them most. To you and your son's credit, you moved forward and created a chosen family from the people who showed they cared about you.

Your parents chose your husband and his lady friend. Have they ever apologized or tried to make amends? You stated that you have "literally and figuratively" moved on. If your parents haven't done that, my advice would be for you to continue moving on.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 41-year-old gay man who is living with my boyfriend and older parents. Five years ago, I was divorced from someone I was in a relationship with for 10 years and married to for five. Our split was amicable and civil. We still speak occasionally.

I recently bought a ring for my boyfriend. We have been dating almost five years (we met soon after my divorce) and I want to get married again. Last time, I was the one asked. This time, I'm doing the proposing, and even asked his parents out of respect.

Although I have the ring, for some reason I can't decide how, where or when I am going to propose. Because of the way my marriage ended, I feel terrible guilt for even thinking about asking someone to marry me. I no longer have feelings for my ex (that's one of the reasons it ended), but I have tremendous respect for him. I don't hate him (like many divorcees), and I feel it would be stabbing him in the back.

I know he regrets asking for the divorce, as he'll make passing comments to that effect when we speak. I brush it off, but I can't brush off this guilt I'm carrying for moving on. Am I wrong? Are these thoughts normal? -- HESITATING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HESITATING: Excuse me. Your ex-husband asked YOU for the divorce and YOU feel guilty for moving on? It doesn't seem to me like you have moved on very far. It's just as well that you haven't proposed to your boyfriend. Until you finally figure out where your heart lies, you should absolutely not pop the question -- even if the parents of the current man in your life say they approve.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for 14 years and have two kids. Our youngest is 11. For the last nine years, it has been a loveless marriage. Luckily, he works a lot, but when he's home, I stay in my bedroom. The only thing we do together is eat dinner. Our kids are thriving in school, and I worry that leaving will hurt them terribly. Should I wait until our youngest graduates?

I am 47 and have multiple sclerosis that is slowly progressing. I do not have family and friends for support. Could I be even more lonely if I leave? The thought of divorce feels overwhelming, but I feel like life is passing me by. Hoping you can point me in the right direction. -- LIVING IN LIMBO IN MISSOURI

DEAR LIVING: I wish you had mentioned what it was nine years ago that created a rift between you and your husband. If it was your diagnosis, it is truly regrettable. In the interim, have you tried talking about this with a marriage and family therapist? If the answer is no, you should.

I am concerned about the degree of isolation you are feeling. The National Multiple Sclerosis Society (nationalmssociety.org) offers virtual and in-person support groups that might benefit you greatly.

Divorcing one's spouse is not a guarantee that one's loneliness will end, as many divorced women and men can attest. The National MS Society may be able to provide what you need right now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are expecting our first child. We are over the moon about it, and have lots of support from family and friends near and far. My husband's family lives in another state and would need to fly to visit us. His parents are separated, and elderly.

I love his mother dearly, but I have an issue with her best friend, "Myra." Myra has always been passive-aggressive. She makes things difficult and makes rude, snide comments. My mother-in-law plans to travel to meet our new baby, but she wants Myra to be her travel companion.

Abby, after the stress and exhaustion of delivering a baby and any postpartum aftermath, plus the desire to keep our circle small due to COVID, I do not want to see Myra in the first few months after delivery. I have no issues with my mother-in-law, and don't want to prohibit her from seeing her new grandbaby. But she refuses to travel alone. Am I going too far in saying I won't be up for visiting with her snide best friend? -- PREGNANT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PREGNANT: I don't think you are going too far. You have the right to control who comes into your home. Tell your mother-in-law you would welcome her coming to see the new baby, but that Myra is not welcome in your home and will have to make other plans while Grandma is visiting your infant.

If she asks why, tell her the truth -- that Myra is negative and snide, and you don't want to be exposed to that while you are in a vulnerable state. If she can't agree to your wishes, tell her you and her son will visit her when the baby is older, but you will make sure she has plenty of pictures and videos in the meantime.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend of many years is currently not speaking to me. She recently moved from California to Denver and had invited me to visit. We agreed on the dates, and I took time off work and booked the flights. Less than two weeks before my arrival, she abruptly canceled the visit, expressing no regrets or concern for whether I would be able to get a refund from the airline.

She indicated that because I was not comfortable with the recently lifted mask mandates and other COVID precautions in her state and prefer to continue to avoid indoor dining, bars, etc., that she wanted to "postpone for a few months," when we might be able to enjoy more activities. When I expressed hurt feelings at being disinvited, she became angry and ceased communication. Is this friendship over? How should I proceed? -- RISK-AVERSE IN THE WEST

DEAR RISK-AVERSE: I am not sure why your friend became angry and canceled your visit, unless she had planned activities that would take place in restaurants, theaters, etc. I am also puzzled that she should end a friendship of many years over it. Because this is recent, give her a little more time to cool off. Then extend an olive branch and see if she has put this unfortunate episode in perspective.

DEAR ABBY: I have a former colleague whose company I enjoyed while I was working with him. He thought highly of my work ethic, and we worked well together. Because of this, he has asked me to be a professional reference for him sporadically over the years, which I always happily agreed to. The problem is we haven't worked together in six years.

Because it has been so long, I no longer feel as though I'm a good reference for him. I also worry that recruiters will wonder why I was chosen after all this time. He reaches out to me only for reference requests, so it's not as though I'm damaging a long-term friendship, but I still care about him and his feelings. How can I politely decline his future requests? -- RELUCTANT REFERENCE

DEAR RELUCTANT: In recent years, the amount of information that can be shared about former employees and colleagues is quite restricted. I believe it's limited to the dates you worked together. However, because you no longer wish to be a reference, you will have to bite the bullet and be honest about your feelings and the reason why.

DEAR ABBY: The wife of a married couple my wife and I are friends with revealed a few years ago that before she met her husband, she had an affair that produced a child she immediately placed for adoption. This was 40 years ago. It surprised us all, including her husband.

I believe she should have told her husband before they married. My wife says because it was before she met him, it was none of his business. Well, now it is his business because, through DNA ancestry sites, this "child" is now in his life, which has become an embarrassment for him. What do you think? -- HIS BUSINESS IN THE EAST

DEAR HIS BUSINESS: I think you should mind your own beeswax and stay resolutely out of his family business!