DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who had been ill for some time. Three years ago, two of his adult sons moved in with him because they'd been kicked out of their mom's house. They never got jobs or paid rent.

My friend died a month ago, and now his sons and "companion" want all of us who were his friends to organize a memorial service. They claim they "don't know how to do this kind of thing." My friend also has two adult daughters and three grandchildren.

Isn't it the duty of the surviving family members to do this? While I wouldn't mind providing a list of his friends and phone numbers, I feel the sons are lazy and exploitative, and I'm very uncomfortable being asked to form a group and do a job they should be doing. I'm not going to participate, and I wondered what you think. -- DISAPPOINTED GRIEVER

DEAR GRIEVER: I think you are absolutely correct. The honor of giving your friend a loving and respectful sendoff belongs with his family. By all means provide a list of those who would like to pay their respects. And, while you're at it, suggest the person who contacted you reach out to his father's religious adviser or a local funeral home for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I need some guidance. My 21-year-old son, "Dennis," is involved with a young woman he met in college. She is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to him. Dennis is very intelligent -- a straight-A student, to be exact. We gave Dennis the best life we possibly could. His dad and I have been together for 26 years and raised him in a nurturing, Christian environment with strong family ties.

When Dennis went away to college, it seems like everything changed. His girlfriend has notable mood swings, becomes upset when he is near family, is very disrespectful and the list goes on. Recently, I told Dennis she's no longer welcome to our home. Now he has distanced himself from us, which is hurtful because he has younger siblings. I want a close relationship with him, but I refuse to tolerate his girlfriend. Am I wrong? Please give me some advice. -- MISS HIM IN THE WEST

DEAR MISS HIM: Yes, you were wrong to "banish" the girlfriend because, although you were trying to protect your son, it drove him away from you and closer to his abuser. It may be time for your husband to have a man-to-man talk with Dennis and point out that his girlfriend's behavior could indicate that she has emotional problems. Normal people do not hit and verbally abuse others. He should also tell Dennis that you said what you did because you felt not only disrespected by his girlfriend, but also were afraid for him.

Whether it will get through to your son is anyone's guess, but since he and his abuser are in college and have access to a student health center, it could benefit both of them to get counseling. For Dennis, to help him figure out why he would tolerate being abused; for her, to help her gain some self-control.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 60s, single and childless. I was raised by parents who had issues, and I did not have a nurturing childhood. As a result, for decades I had a chaotic life and turned to alcohol and drugs to soothe my emotional pain.

I have been drug-free and sober for many years. Still, I'm troubled when I see how abnormal and dysfunctional my life was and what I have missed that normal people get to enjoy -- like marriage, children and grandchildren. My sadness and loneliness are so overwhelming that some days I don't want to get out of bed. I'm finding it very hard to discover a purpose. Any suggestions? -- WOUNDED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WOUNDED: You cannot change the past, but you can certainly change the future. The first step should be to consult a licensed mental health professional about your deep depression. With talk therapy and medication, you may finally be able to overcome it. Once you are stable again, your therapist may also work with you to help you decide how to fill those empty spaces in your life. Please don't wait to reach out.

DEAR ABBY: My son graduated from high school and won't make a plan. He doesn't help with anything around the house, won't save money to buy his own car and refuses to share our extra car with his sister. We are in constant conflict.

I want him to move out. I want him to be working and saving money if I'm paying for his room and board. He sleeps until noon, works sporadically and spends his limited money on pre-workout supplements, shoes and guitars. He's on his phone playing games in his bed most days until late into the night. Advice? -- ENOUGH ALREADY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ENOUGH: Your son isn't making a plan to become independent because you have been such a generous parent, he has no incentive to leave the nest. Quit letting him use the extra car and tell him that unless he starts doing his fair share around the house, finds a full-time job and can prove that he's saving money, you want him OUT of there. Then give him a deadline, and if he hasn't shown improvement by then, follow through. Sometimes a dose of tough love is what it takes to get a message across.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and live in an older house we are slowly trying to update and remodel. One of my major issues is that every Sunday he likes to go to flea markets, where he spends at least $100 for "art," which I might describe as junk. It's all over the house we are trying to fix. How do I get him to stop wasting money on this? -- UP TO MY ELBOWS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UP: There are flea markets, and then there are estate sales. They are not the same thing. Some real treasures can be found at estate sales because the sellers (often the next generation) do not realize the value of what they are getting rid of. It might be worth your while to ask your husband if the two of you can go to a few estate sales together, and buy only items you both can agree on. It's worth a try.

DEAR ABBY: We recently found out my 19-year-old daughter is pregnant. This is her first boyfriend, and she is absolutely smitten with him. He has asked her to marry him, and we are excited and happy for her, but there is one thing we are having a hard time with: I am almost certain he is cheating on her.

They live with us, so I can see the signs -- he says he's working late, and several times even told her he had to work all night. He's always on his phone, and he never allows her to see it. He keeps it on silent and face down. When he gets a text message (which is often), he immediately says he has to go to the bathroom. Then he stays in there for about a half-hour.

I've tried talking to her about what I'm seeing, but she gets mad at me. She says she trusts him and insists he would never cheat on her. It's painful to watch this happening to her, and I don't know how to handle it. Should I continue bringing it up or let her find out on her own? -- KNOWS ALL TOO WELL

DEAR KNOWS: You have already brought it up. Your daughter should not rush into marriage just because she is pregnant, if that's her intention. Because her boyfriend is living with you, he's likely not mature or financially stable enough to be married to anyone. (What do his parents think about this?)

I was tempted to advise you to hire a private investigator to find out if the young man is really working late or all night, but I'm not sure you need to go to that expense. The truth will eventually reveal itself. In the meantime, give your daughter plenty of emotional support because she is going to need it, and probably more.

DEAR ABBY: I married my high school sweetheart in 1967. In 1979, after 12 years of marriage, we refinanced our mortgage so we could add a room. During the credit check, it was brought to my attention that my wife had borrowed $14,000 and opened a secret mailbox in a different town to hide it from me.

The problem was, and still is, that she has refused for 52 years to tell me what it was for. Needless to say, my trust in her was shaken. She had no drinking, gambling or drug problems. I must have asked her a thousand times what she needed the money for, and still no answer. Our marriage went downhill, I had an affair, and we separated.

In 1990, we got back together, but it wasn't the same. The kids were grown, so four years later we divorced. I'm 75 now, remarried 20 years ago, and I still can't figure out why she couldn't tell me the truth to save our marriage. (Abortion keeps popping into my mind.) A day does not go by that it doesn't enter my mind even all these years later. My kids are estranged because all they know is that I had an affair. I suppose I will be wondering until my dying day. Advice? -- STILL IN THE DARK

DEAR STILL: What your ex-wife needed that money for is anybody's guess. She may have used it to bail out a friend who was in trouble. She also could have been paying off a blackmailer. The possibilities are so varied that guessing her motive could be a parlor game.

Since you asked, my advice to you is to finally let the past stay in the past and quit upsetting yourself over something you will never get a straight answer about. There are few more effective ways to diminish the joys of the present than to do what you are doing.