Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years works for a company with 160 employees, 95 miles from our town. He held a party at a restaurant located near the company. I knew no one and doubt very much I will ever run into these people again.

While I was at the party, I met a young woman who, like myself, was there with her boyfriend and didn't know anyone. We chatted for half an hour about the holidays and made general conversation. When she mentioned she had been recently diagnosed with a condition I have, too, I gave her some websites to check out for information and told her not to worry. I also told her that if I can be well and deal with this issue, anyone can. Our conversation lasted about 15 minutes, and I asked no personal questions. When I had to leave the party, she remained sitting by herself and started playing with her phone.

The next day, my boyfriend was angry because upon leaving with her boyfriend, the woman told him, "Your girlfriend kept nagging me about my condition and wouldn't shut up." I was dumbfounded and hurt. I was trying to be nice. Why did my boyfriend tell me? He said nothing to her to defend me. Even worse, what did he accomplish by repeating what she had said? He knew it would make me feel bad. I'll never run into these people again. Am I wrong in feeling hurt? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN THE EAST

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I am still trying to figure out why someone would tell a stranger at a party her medical status and then take offense if the person tried to be helpful. If what you were saying made her uncomfortable, she should have said it to you, not your boyfriend. You aren't wrong for feeling hurt. However, you are wrong to blame your boyfriend for telling you something he thought you needed to hear. That's what people who love each other do.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I have been together for 11 years, living together for seven. He's a Realtor in his hometown. I had a stroke four years ago, which forced me into early retirement. Real estate is a dog-eat-dog occupation. Paychecks are few and far between, so I pay the rent and all the household bills. He pays his personal bills and the costs of doing business as a Realtor.

He is currently broke and doesn't have the money to pay his personal bills. I refuse to pay them. I think he should get a part-time job to pay his own bills, but he refuses. Of course, there will be a backlash, and he'll blame me. He will lose his car, telephone, real estate license, health and car insurance, etc.

I have bailed him out before, but I am no longer willing to do it because I'm running out of what money I had set aside for retirement. He already owes me thousands of dollars in several loans, which I don't expect to recover. What do I do? I don't want to split up or continue to argue over this. -- PLANNING AHEAD

DEAR PLANNING: Your "partner" refuses to look for a part-time job so he can be self-supporting and not dependent on you? Dear lady, you may not want to split up after this amount of time, but your partner is a luxury you can no longer afford. Stop arguing, accept it and move on.

DEAR ABBY: What is a proper tip to leave a server at an all-you-can-eat buffet? They bring water and bus the table, but we get our own food and drinks. They certainly don't work as hard as servers in a sit-down restaurant. -- WONDERING IN THE EAST

DEAR WONDERING: The employees you describe are also "working hard." If you're eating in the restaurant, leave a couple of dollars for the bussers who are clearing the dishes. If you receive service in addition to that, leave 10%.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and it has been great. However, he has serious anger issues that affect our relationship sometimes. It started with small arguments here and there. But as our relationship progressed, so did his mood swings and anger.

He has never hit me. Lately, though, his anger has gotten worse, and he says cruel things to me that he later apologizes for. During our arguments, he never listens to what I have to say. When the argument is over and I wait a couple days to explain how he hurt my feelings, he tells me I'm overly sensitive and to leave the past in the past.

During our last argument, he asked me how to seek professional help. How can I help him? Am I dumb staying with someone like this? Although I love him, I don't know how long I can last with someone who is so angry all the time. -- BROKEN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BROKEN: Ask your doctor or your insurance provider for a referral to a psychologist who can either help your boyfriend or get him into an anger-management class. He definitely needs professional help, and it's good that he knows it.

Although my knee-jerk impulse would be to tell you to end the relationship, that he is self-aware enough to know he needs help makes me inclined to suggest you stick with him a little longer and see how effective the therapy is. But please know that verbal abusers often become physical abusers if they don't receive help, and the verbal bashing is terrible for your self-esteem.

DEAR ABBY: I recently served on a committee to hire a professional-level staff member for my organization. Eligible candidates are required to possess a bachelor's degree or higher. We received more than 30 applications and decided to bring in three candidates for interviews who looked great on paper.

One of them had his phone on and it repeatedly buzzed with incoming messages during the interview. Another, when asked if she had any questions for us, pulled her phone out of her jacket pocket and started swiping the screen saying that she had some questions on her phone. Abby, she had a notepad open in front of her, so why didn't she have her questions written on that?

I found it unsettling that these two candidates couldn't disengage from their phones long enough to participate in a job interview! It made me wonder if they could disconnect from their cellphones long enough to do the job, if hired. Am I showing my age -- and value system -- in thinking that a job interview should be a phone-free zone? What's the etiquette in such a situation? -- UNIMPRESSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNIMPRESSED: The "etiquette" is that a job candidate should be prepared before a job interview. Cellphones should be turned off or put on silent mode during the interview so they won't cause a distraction. Make sure the applicant understands this before the interview begins. As for Candidate Two, ideally she should have written her questions on the notepad she brought with her, although members of her generation often put things like that on their cellphones. A younger interviewer may have let this slide. You didn't. Next candidate!

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for a little over a year. I love her. However, right before our wedding, I met a co-worker I'll call "Alexis." We hit it off, and I consider her a close friend.

Alexis and I hooked up a few times before and after my wedding. We never discuss the encounters after they happen. After we've had a few drinks, we both say things about being together, but usually, we're just best friends. While my friends believe this is odd, it's almost a blessing that the awkward conversation doesn't happen after a night of something happening.

There have been instances when I have ditched my wife to hang out with Alexis -- not to do anything, but just to hang out with her and her mother. My wife says I spend too much time with Alexis between work and after work, but she's fun to be with. My wife is kind of a homebody. She doesn't like to go out and have a good time.

My wife doesn't trust Alexis, and while I can't blame her, I'm conflicted about what my next step should be. I love my wife, but I also love Alexis as more than a friend, and I know she feels the same. What should I do next? -- LOVES THEM BOTH

DEAR LOVES: You may love both of these women, but you are being fair to neither one. Your wife doesn't trust Alexis because she senses something is wrong -- and she's right. You and Alexis aren't buddies; you are lovers. That you have confided it to friends "who think this is odd" (in your words) means it is just a matter of time until your wife is in on the secret. Your first loyalty should be to your wife. At the very least, you owe it to her to have an honest discussion with her and figure out with her what the next steps should be.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been going to the same dentist for 20 years. We have always had the same dental hygienist. There's a computer in the room where she works, and she always schedules our next six-month cleaning with her before we leave. Over the years, we have noticed that she's not very clean. She is sometimes very unkempt -- with greasy hair and body odor. Her treatment room is also very messy. The last time I was there, she opened her cupboard, and I was appalled at the junk crammed in there. We are concerned that this is unsanitary and we no longer want to see her.

We love our dentist and the office staff. They are the nicest, most considerate and professional people. I would like to call and ask the front desk to reschedule our appointments with the other hygienist and include in our files that we only want to see that one. My husband thinks we should switch dentists. To be honest, I'm shocked the dentist would tolerate this, but he is a kind individual, and maybe that's the problem. Any advice would be appreciated. -- DENTAL DRAMA IN THE EAST

DEAR DRAMA: You should have discussed this with your dentist years ago. Your concerns are valid. It is your right to be treated by another hygienist for the reasons you have stated. However, for your dentist's sake, as well as your own, tell him exactly why you felt it was necessary to make the change. It will be doing the practice a favor.