DEAR ABBY: I'd like some advice about a family situation that has been going on for the entire 34 years of my marriage. My husband is not kind to my now-grown sons. He gives me the silent treatment for weeks over small disagreements. My eldest son visited us for my 75th birthday and, after receiving my spouse's cold shoulder, he informed me he won't be visiting again because of my husband's rude behavior.

I'm looking for a part-time job so I can pay off some bills and move out. I asked years ago that we put the house up for sale, divide the funds and go our separate ways. He said he'd burn down the house before he would allow me to get a penny from the sale.

I want to keep things calm, but I want to leave in another year with some proceeds from the sale of the house. We no longer sleep together and we talk less to avoid disagreements. I don't even want to cook for him, but I do it to avoid his negative reactions. What can I do? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REACHED: Quietly consult an attorney and discuss the fact that you are in a very long, unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage. Tell the attorney your husband has threatened to burn down the home you share (that's arson) if it must be sold so you can have the half of the community property to which you are entitled. The attorney can guide you in gathering information such as bank account numbers, credit information and investments, if there are any, so your husband will be less able to hide financial assets.

If you fear your husband might become violent, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for help formulating a safe exit plan, and follow the instructions you are given. It's never too late to seek peace and happiness in your life, and I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: My son married a woman who has isolated him from his family and friends. We were an incredibly close family until he married her. They have a 5-year-old daughter who has been out of our lives for some time and it breaks my heart. During the times they were in our lives, we were always criticized for everything we said and did, and my son never talked to us or saw us without his wife there.

He was very close to his sister growing up but no longer has anything to do with her. I know it breaks her heart that her brother and niece are no longer in her life. A friend suggested I write a journal to hopefully show my granddaughter someday so she will know we always loved and missed her and her dad. I worry about my son no longer having his family and friends in his life, but I'm not sure what to do. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OREGON

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your idea of keeping a journal is a good one. But don't write in it hoping it will be seen by your granddaughter. Do it for yourself so you have an outlet into which you can pour the pain and frustration you are feeling. If you can't be with your grandchild, consider exploring opportunities in your community to mentor needy children, which can be rewarding not only for the children, but also for yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I live on the bottom floor of a duplex with my wife. My brother-in-law, his wife and their two sons, ages 4 and 2, are upstairs. Since the 2-year-old was born, he's been very rambunctious and fussy. I consider my BIL a good parent overall, but for a while now, I hear him blow up, scream, curse and shout at the younger child. I don't think it's healthy.

I have a hard time with it because of my upbringing, which left a mark. I grew up in a home ruled by intimidation. I am also a school counselor. The 4-year-old has a pronounced speech impediment that I'm hoping the school will help with. As an adult and someone who works with kids, it bothers me to hear this go on every day in our home.

I wouldn't dare to say anything to my BIL or SIL. I'm just worried about the boys. Will they be OK? Please, let me know what to do. We all want my nephews to be well, but I can't blur the line between counselor and aunt. -- FULL OF CONCERN IN THE EAST

DEAR FULL: Nothing will change unless you find the courage to speak out. Involve your wife in this. Both of you should talk to your brother-in-law and sister-in-law about how being intimidated from an early age affected your life. Suggest that if the kids are becoming more than your BIL can handle, he find a way to take a break from them until he calms down. The school may be able to help the older boy with his speech impediment, and you should make sure that the help is requested. Beyond this, there's nothing more you can do to change the unhealthy dynamic upstairs.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship for 48 years. We lived together for 15 years, were married for 30 years and divorced three years ago. We have one married child, who has three children. Not all of our years together were glorious. We had our share of problems, and we just grew apart. Yes, we slept in the same bed and went on vacations, but there was no intimacy for a good 20 years. I would have to ask him for a hug or a kiss, which he would give, but I didn't feel loved. I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him.

I help him any time he asks. We live in the same town. I'm now wondering if our current relationship is a convenience. We share a meal a couple times a week, and he calls or texts almost daily. But he doesn't want me around his current group of friends.

I have my own outside interests, but I'm trying to figure out where I stand in his life. I think I'm OK with a friendship with him. We're both retired. For the record, I have no desire to date, nor do I want to put myself in that position. I dislike being out by myself after dark. Advice, please? -- MOVED ON IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR MOVED ON: If you want to know where you stand in your ex-husband's life, ask him. From my long-distance perspective, the two of you have four decades-plus of mutual experiences, and it's a relationship that has value. If you derive some pleasure from it, why throw it away? However, if maintaining a relationship with him prevents you from moving on in your own life, concentrate on widening your circle of friends and going forward independently.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Laura," had an affair with a married man for 20 years. He had been married twice before, and both wives died. He's only 50, so I find it odd that both of his previous wives died. His second wife passed while Laura was his mistress. She is able to be married to him only because of his second wife's death -- he was never going to leave her.

I don't trust this man, but I feel I must because Laura is married to him and so happy. I'm suspicious that he may have had something to do with his wives' deaths, but I don't know how to prove it. Am I overly suspicious for thinking this? I'm happy for my friend because she is very happy now. They are both retired and enjoying their lives. I'm just hoping he's honest and truly loves her.

I'm not sure how to feel about this cheater, but it does take two -- and Laura stayed with him for 20 years as his mistress. Please advise me. -- SUSPICIOUS IN THE EAST

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I wish you had mentioned where Laura's husband got the money to retire at age 50. Could it have come from his late wives' insurance policies? If the answer is yes, you may have cause to worry. However, if it didn't, try to be happy for your friend. One caveat: If your intuition is warning you not to trust Laura's husband, do not invest any money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I have an issue with my husband always answering his cellphone when we are out to lunch or out shopping. Instead of letting the call go to voicemail, he insists on picking up and talking for 10 to 15 minutes while I sit there. Ninety-nine percent of the time it's a friend just wanting to chat.

I asked him, if it's not an emergency, to tell the person he is busy at the moment and will call back. I think his behavior is incredibly rude. It makes me feel I'm not important. Am I overreacting, like my husband says? He can't seem to understand how I feel. -- LEFT OUT IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR LEFT OUT: You are not overreacting, and there's nothing wrong with your communication skills. Your husband does understand how you feel; he simply doesn't care. Allowing a non-emergency call to turn into a gab fest while you sit and twiddle your thumbs IS rude, and you are right to call your husband on it.

If he won't consider putting his phone on silent mode while lunching or shopping with you, you may have to resort to bringing something with you to read. Find a book on telephone manners or one that allows you to escape -- I'm thinking about a paperback with Fabio or some other Adonis on the cover -- the wait may be less boring.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her son's father split up recently. They were together for 10 years. My dilemma is she has started dating another man and has invited me to a special-occasion dinner. I do not approve of this match and I don't care for this person. Should I go to the dinner? -- DISAPPROVING IN ARKANSAS

DEAR DISAPPROVING: Yes, you should. If you don't, you may be seeing a lot less of your daughter and grandchild. Do not signal your disapproval by burning any bridges. The relationship may flame out on its own.