Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with chronic heart failure seven years ago. It has no cure. I want to see and do more before my life is over. My husband and I have been married 29 years. After talking about this with my therapist, I was finally able to express it to my husband. He said he understands, but we will need to save for a trip and won't be able to go until late next year.

I have told him I need to go somewhere to see more of the world very soon. I'd be willing to go by myself. He told me we needed to close out an old bank account in which there was $3,000. We have spent other money I don't think was necessary. We are going to his sister's wedding in a few months, which will cost around $2,500, and he's already talking about how he's going to take his annual vacation to see his family.

My sister said she and I should take a trip together this year to a destination four hours by car. It would be for about four days. My husband said "we'll see" if we can afford for me to go. He doesn't seem to realize that this is an issue about my mental health. I have explained my reasons several times. I'm tempted to just go and charge it on the credit card, but it might damage our marriage. I love him. What can I do? -- WANDERLUST IN OREGON

DEAR WANDERLUST: Your medical problem lends some urgency to your desire to scratch some items off your bucket list. In light of the fact that you are unwell, perhaps "just this once" your husband could postpone his annual family visit? Please discuss this further with your therapist. Your husband should not be controlling the purse strings to the extent he has been because it appears he has been using the money to do only the things he wants to do.

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end about my marriage. Among many other issues, today feels like the last straw. My 8-year-old son stole a small toy from a store, and I made him go back into the store with me to pay for the item. My husband chastised me for doing so, saying I humiliated the boy. I saw it as an opportunity to teach my son a lesson about taking things, and my husband is worried about him feeling humiliated?

I have tried therapy for many other issues we have, but we haven't made much progress. After today, I'm ready to give up. Fundamentally, we just don't have the same values or want the same things. Please tell me your thoughts on what happened with my son. It breaks my heart because it is so confusing to the boy. -- TRYING TO PARENT

DEAR TRYING: You handled the petty theft incident perfectly. You corrected your son's misdeed and made him take responsibility for it. For that you should have been applauded, not chastised. But setting that aside for a moment, you stated that there are many problems in your marriage. Since they haven't been able to be resolved with counseling, it may be time to weigh alternative options such as a temporary separation or divorce.

DEAR ABBY: My husband died three years ago, and I met someone shortly after. This man is kind and loving, and he treats me well. He happily moved with me to another state to be near my family. I'm 67, and he is 63. I'm retired, and hopefully have enough to live on for the rest of my life, although as everyone knows, anything can happen.

My concern is that this man gives his two children so much money every month that there's none left over to help with any of our household expenses. He knows he will have to wean them off financially before he retires. I'm loath to ask him to stop, because I don't want to lose him over this issue. However, I didn't budget having to support him for the rest of my life.

He hasn't saved any money for his retirement. When I've asked why he sends them all his money, he says that when he and their mom divorced, it upset them and he feels guilty (it has been 18 years!), or when he gets old and senile, they'll care for him. When I mentioned that when he gets old and senile, I'll ship him out to his daughter, he said she has her own life and won't want him there. It's driving me crazy! What do I do? -- STRESSED RETIREE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR RETIREE: You must protect yourself -- that's what you do. Speak up and tell this kind, loving, generous freeloader that unless he's prepared to pay his half of the household expenses, he will have to move. It may not be a pleasant conversation, but you will avoid a lot of heartache -- not to mention financial ruin -- if you assert yourself now. By the way, there are no guarantees his daughter would be willing to take care of her father when he's old and senile. Many parents, to their dismay, discover that sad fact when it is too late.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What's the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TIDY: The best way to address this would be the direct approach. Ask your daughter-in-law if she has noticed that you have been helping to clean her house. If the answer is no, explain that you would be glad to continue helping out and you have a few hours a week to work with her, if she's willing. You are a kind and considerate mother-in-law, and I hope she is appreciative.

DEAR ABBY: I'm wondering if you can give me a tactful suggestion on how to get lingering family members to go home when I entertain. In times past, cousins stayed into the wee hours playing cards and were generally pretty noisy in my parents' large home -- all of which could go on for days.

Today, our relationships with certain family members are fairly strained, but they still want to overstay. Any suggestions about how to let them know it's time to return to their own homes? -- BACK TO NORMAL IN THE EAST

DEAR BACK TO NORMAL: Try this: Stand up and say, "It has been fun getting together, but it's time to call it a night. We need our rest if we are going to be productive tomorrow. Thank you for being with us. We'll do it again."

DEAR ABBY: I have an older sister I'll call "Vicky," who has been a hypochondriac for as long as I can remember. Every sniffle, cough or sneeze is always a dayslong or weekslong complain-a-thon about how sick she is, and sometimes these illnesses or injuries are simply invented for attention.

While this has always been annoying, it was fairly easy to brush it off -- until after I married. My husband, "Jay," a wonderful man, is chronically ill. Like many chronically ill individuals, his life is filled with doctors' appointments, various treatment plans, trying new medications and a lot of financial stress around how to pay for it all.

Through it all, Jay perseveres. He goes to work, cares for me and our animals and does his best to live a full, joyous life. Watching my husband suffer has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. He is strong and brave, and now that I see how chronically ill people struggle to live a normal day, my sister and her fake issues have gone from bothersome to infuriating.

The truth is, she has no idea what these wonderful, strong humans endure on a day-to-day basis, and the fact that she hijacks that struggle for her own purposes makes my blood boil. I know hypochondria is an issue on its own, but she refuses to acknowledge it, let alone seek treatment for it.

How can I maintain a relationship with someone whose behavior, in my opinion, is extremely selfish? She has been confronted, but she just won't stop. -- SEES REAL ILLNESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SEES: According to the DSM-5, published by the American Psychiatric Association, your sister may suffer from "illness ANXIETY disorder." (The caps are mine.) She may not be seeking attention or trying to divert it away from your husband and his daily struggles; she may be genuinely fearful and distressed.

If interacting with her as often as you do is as upsetting as you indicate, for your own mental health, consider talking to or seeing her less often. Confronting her is not the answer; a licensed psychotherapist may be -- if she would admit she may need one.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, I started a group dinner for the wives of my husband's poker buddies. It started out well. However, a newer member of the group has instigated praying in the restaurant, including holding hands while we do it. This is not my style, nor is it for some of the others.

We feel we are being held hostage to her request, and we're not sure how to put a stop to this display. I'm private about my spiritual life, and another group member is agnostic. Can you please advise me on a tactful way to address this dear woman? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Tell the dear, deeply religious woman that you are very private about your spirituality, and at least one other member of the group is agnostic. Then suggest it would be appreciated if she kept her devotions silent and contactless when you are in a public place. (Could she be praying for her husband to win?)