Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man (15 years) with three children, and I am a recovering alcoholic. My marriage has been a roller coaster filled with lies, infidelity (my wife's), abuse and drinking. I am in an outpatient alcohol program to save myself, my family and my marriage.

My wife is talking to other men. She communicates via text, on social media and in person, saying it's non-sexual. She constantly tells me they are better than I am, that I'm a loser and I'll get what I deserve (meaning losing her and the children).

I still want to save my marriage. I know I have been a poor husband due to the drinking, but that is changing. I keep trying to convince her to give me a little time to prove that I can be a brand-new, sober, honest man. She says it's too late and that I pushed her into the arms of others. She says she no longer loves me and is going to divorce me. She evidently has hired an attorney.

Our children beg her all the time to not divorce me, not to seek others and to let Dad show he is changing. I'm lost, angry, hurt and anxious. I want to save my family and somehow convince her that I'm better than the person she has seen. Is the trauma too much to overcome? -- MIDDLE OF THE STORM

DEAR MIDDLE: Although you may desperately want to save your marriage, for your own sake, it's time to face facts. Your wife has an attorney, plans to leave the marriage and is seeing other people. She's no longer interested in saving the marriage.

That you are in a program to help you overcome your addiction is laudable, but paramount now is that you do everything you can to heal yourself. It will make you a better father to your children if you are fully present. You may need professional counseling to help you through this painful period so you can map out a better future for you and the kids.

Talk to an attorney for reassurance that your wife cannot take them from you. You already have their love. They see you are trying to better yourself. Let nothing stand in the way of that.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is addicted to our home security cameras. He, my 19-year-old daughter and I live in a townhouse, in which he has installed no fewer than 20 cameras in and around our home. He's always looking at them, when I'm on my way out to run errands or to visit my older daughter and even while we are eating dinner. He has started keeping a log of my daughter's and my activities and what our neighbors are doing. What is wrong with him? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNDER A MICROSCOPE: Does your husband have a job or any outside interests besides what you, your daughter and the neighbors are doing? His compulsion may be caused by insecurity, paranoia or a need to control.

Have you asked him why he feels the need to do this? While it's not unusual for families to install security systems in their homes, your husband's obsession is over the top. This isn't normal behavior, and something may be wrong with him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an older woman. My husband and I have been married eight years but were together 15 years prior to our marriage. He is a wonderful, caring man in most ways. But from time to time, he snaps extremely unflattering photos of me, sends them to everyone we know and even orders enlargements made for me.

I have a mouth condition that makes smiling painful, so unless I know a picture is being taken, I look really old and grumpy. I have asked him please not to do this because it's humiliating when he sends them out to friends and family members. I think it's unkind and disrespectful and have told him so, yet he persists.

I'm to the point that this has become a deal-breaker in our marriage, and he knows it. He claims he loves me and is proud of me. And yes, we have been to counseling about our relationship in general because of the many times he has humiliated me in public. But he won't stop. How can I handle this going forward? -- HUMILIATED AND HURTING

DEAR HUMILIATED: It appears your "wonderful, caring" husband has a mean streak. He's getting his kicks by embarrassing you. One way to handle it going forward would be to ignore him when he does it. It won't be easy, but when he realizes he can't get the desired reaction from you, he may do it less often. Another way to deal with it would be to discuss privately with a licensed therapist whether his behavior really has become a deal-breaker. The choice is yours.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend lives with one of his closest friends, "Bill." I know him well and stay at their apartment often. Over time we have grown pretty close. I listen to Bill talk about his hobbies and problems because his friends get tired of his rambling.

I'm afraid Bill has become too attached to me because of this, because he has started texting me every day, asks me to go places with him and fixates on me whenever I am over there. The last straw was when he called me in the middle of the night, crying about his ex-girlfriend.

In order to preserve his living situation and their friendship, my boyfriend doesn't want to confront Bill until he crosses a line. I believe he has already violated my boundaries. How do I stop this elephant in the room from growing? -- UNSURE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNSURE: I agree that more than one boundary has been violated. Because your boyfriend is unwilling to draw the line, you will have to. Start by telling Bill that you don't want him calling in the middle of the night or as often as he does. Visit your boyfriend at his shared apartment less often. Take your time responding to Bill's daily texts, and refuse his invitations to go anywhere. It may take a while for him to get the message, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: What do I do if my wife of 36 years wants to be laid to rest somewhere other than next to me in Hawaii? -- WONDERING IN HAWAII

DEAR WONDERING: Hope that you outlive her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my late 40s, and since coming out of the isolation of the pandemic (the lockdown was strict where we live), I've had a hard time rekindling the friendships I valued before -- with my two best girlfriends, in particular. We used to have the type of relationship in which we were very open. We told each other everything and had a lot of fun.

The last two years were really hard on me. I faced a series of serious health issues, as did my youngest kid, who almost died and had to be hospitalized in another city because the care centers here were overcrowded. A few months later, my older child had a mental health crisis that we now spend a lot of time working through.

Those challenges completely changed the way our house runs. They dominate my day-to-day life. The thing is, talking about all that feels too heavy. I don't want to be the friend who always brings down the room. On the other hand, when my friends find out everything that has been going on that I didn't tell them about, they're going to be angry that I've been hiding things from them, and it's going to damage our friendship.

I don't have the capacity to take on managing anyone else's feelings, while at the same time I wish I had more people to go out and have fun with. How can I be a good friend without sharing all the challenges? -- NOT SHARING IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT SHARING: Now that the lockdowns are over and, for most people, life is returning to near-normal, get together face-to-face for a truth session with those friends. Tell them as much as you think they need to know, and enjoy them as often as you can. If they can't lighten your load, widen your circle to include some women who can.

Do not feel you must manage their feelings or disclose all of your son's emotional difficulties. Make sure to devote some time listening to the challenges they may have faced over the last couple of years. True friends try to make the people they care about feel better, not worse.

DEAR ABBY: I live with a man who sits around the house all day. If I'm outside doing yardwork, he'll sit on the porch and watch without offering to help. He's retired and doesn't work. He's 59 and does nothing but sit up all night and sleep half the day. Any comments? -- DOES IT ALL IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DOES IT ALL: Have you asked the man who is living with you for help? (I notice you did not refer to him as your husband.) If you have and he refused, my comment is that your porch-sitter appears to be lazy and unmotivated. He may feel that because he's no longer in the workforce, he doesn't have to do anything else until the good lord claims him, which may be sooner than he thinks if he doesn't get up and do some exercise.

In dealing with someone like him, try coming up with a way to motivate him, hire someone to help with the yardwork or trade him in for a younger, more energetic model. (I'm only half-joking about that last option.)