Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my husband for almost 43 years. We haven't had sex in more than 10 years. He is a nasty drunk, which has grown worse. He is emotionally abusive and calls me lazy and fat.

He hurt his right shoulder three years ago and refused to seek medical attention for it. Two years ago, he had all his teeth extracted. Since then, he has lost at least 50 pounds, which, unfortunately, I seem to have gained. He drinks until he's falling-down drunk at least twice a week, and he then becomes nasty with me and our daughter. What should I do? -- HOPELESS IN TEXAS

DEAR HOPELESS: The relationship you have with your husband isn't a healthy one. Start getting yourself in better physical shape. Once you begin to take care of yourself, the better you will feel physically and emotionally. Begin attending Al-Anon meetings. There are many in almost every community. You can find a location at al-anon.org/info. Al-Anon is an offshoot of AA, and was created to provide support for friends and families of alcoholics. (Your husband qualifies.) After that, start looking for a job so you can gain some independence and eventually leave him completely. The atmosphere you have described is toxic.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law, "Greta," who is married to my husband's older brother. I have invited her and their family to our home countless times over the past 10 years, giving plenty of time to RSVP. Greta has done the same, and I show up with my "brings." I then help to clean up and am pleasant.

Greta never attends our parties, gatherings, etc. She always responds with, "We have other plans," or, "We are just going to stay home." It hurts. Should I keep inviting them? Other family members are annoyed by her excuses. She has never liked me, but she's married to my husband's brother, and they have two children I would like to see. Should I stop? -- COURTEOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR COURTEOUS: If you want to see your nieces and nephews, why not invite them out to do something with you? That way, you can interact with them without having to spend time with someone you know doesn't particularly like you. Greta might also be grateful to have some time to herself. Frankly, it's surprising that Greta is the one refusing those invitations for her entire family, which makes me wonder how close your husband and his brother are.

DEAR ABBY: Where is the line, and how can I find it, between not judging someone and holding them accountable for their behavior? I know every situation is different, but is there some general guidance you can offer? -- WONDERING IN OREGON

DEAR WONDERING: When you judge another person, it implies that you hold yourself above them. By judging someone, you are not necessarily holding that person accountable. Holding someone accountable doesn't necessarily mean you're judging the person, but rather establishing a boundary you feel shouldn't be crossed.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband, "Harry," for 10 years, married for four, and already I'd like a divorce. We have two small children. I'm a stay-at-home mom while he works and pays the bills.

The problem is, he feels that because he works, he doesn't have to do anything else. He doesn't help around the house, help with the kids, spend time with us, nothing! I only ask that he do these things on his days off, but his days off are reserved strictly for himself.

Some days I could use a hand with our children. While I'm doing absolutely everything, he just sits acting like he doesn't hear or see what's going on in front of him. Even after seeing me becoming overwhelmed and frustrated, he won't help me.

I've had a thousand conversations with him about stepping up more when he's home, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I'd rather be single than have him just sit around when he's home because "he pays for everything." Am I wrong to feel this way? I need help. -- OUT OF BALANCE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR OUT OF BALANCE: Offer your husband a choice. Either the two of you talk with a marriage and family therapist to help rid him of his selective deafness, or you hire someone to help with the heavier chores he's unwilling to do. If he balks, remind him that you know he's tired of your nagging and it would be cheaper than a divorce.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife for 23 years, married 19 of them. We have two grown children, ages 22 and 20. I recently realized she's still in love with the guy she dated just before me. How did I find out? Well, one day my wife and I were watching a TV show together, and out of nowhere, she asked me my opinion on open marriages.

I gave her a vague answer and started investigating why she asked me that question. That's when I discovered text messages, phone calls and her diary for the last nine months. As far as I can tell, they haven't had sex yet, but she wants to. I did not confront her about it. I felt bad for invading her privacy, but then again, she was being sneaky. I need to know if I should stay or go. -- UNCOVERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNCOVERED: Copy those texts and her diary. Then have a talk with your wife and ask her why she asked about your feelings on open marriage, because it was out of character. After she answers, say you have been thinking about her question and strongly feel your marriage should be monogamous. THEN tell her you have seen the calls, texts and diary, and if she wants to have sex with her old boyfriend, you will file for divorce.

DEAR READERS: Time flies! Daylight saving time ends at 2 a.m. Sunday. Don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour at bedtime tonight. While you're at it, be sure to put fresh batteries in your carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I'm 24 and not where I want to be in life. I have goals and dreams I would like to accomplish. However, my family is super family-oriented. I work for my dad in a family business. He always talks business with me.

I do not want to go into the family business. I have my reasons, one being his side of the family works there and we don't get along. They've never accepted my mom so, therefore, they don't accept me. The other reason is I'm not interested in the business.

My problem is, this is the best I've ever gotten along with my dad. I'm worried he will want nothing to do with me if I quit. On the other hand, my mom has always been supportive. I worry that if I moved away, we wouldn't be so close. I just feel like if I go after my goals and dreams, it will ruin my relationship with my family. What do you think? -- EYE ON THE FUTURE

DEAR EYE ON: You are no longer a child. You are an adult who is overdue for a serious talk with your father about those goals and dreams of yours, as well as the treatment you have received from his side of the family. Write your thoughts down before approaching the subject with him. If your father loves you, as I am sure he does, he will want you to be happy as well as successful.

If you can't find the courage to approach this on your own, consider enlisting the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you create some emotional separation. Wanting independence is not a rejection of your father, nor would gaining it guarantee you would no longer be as close to your mom.

DEAR ABBY: I have hard feelings for my oldest son. A few years back, I was diagnosed with cancer and needed radiation treatments. The hospital is in my son's hometown, so I asked him if I could sit in their living room between my two treatments a day for six days. He said he would talk to his wife about it.

I tried to call him the day before my treatments started, but he wouldn't answer his phone. I had to sit in my car in the cold of winter for six hours between treatments.

I can't seem to get past this. I don't bring it up to him, but I resent him and his wife for letting me down in my time of need. How can I get over this and let the resentment go? -- SAD IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR SAD: Are you and your son and daughter-in-law communicating now? Have they ever explained why they acted the way they did? Did you and your daughter-in-law have some kind of falling out before your diagnosis?

That you were left sitting in a car between cancer treatments on a cold winter days seems unconscionable. That you also "can't get over it" seems rational to me. This may be something you should discuss with your religious adviser, if you have one. Should you need medical assistance in the future, I hope you have found other resources, because if you reach out in your son's direction, all you should expect is more silence.