DEAR ABBY: I'm a paramedic. My wife constantly asks me to pick up additional 12-hour shifts so we have more money coming in, but says she can't do any more overtime at her job. She says she does so much work around the house that it makes us even.

She takes vacation time to go to theme parks and out with her friends while expecting me to save my time off and use it only when I can go with her. I don't think this is fair. How do I address this without starting a fight? -- TIRED IN THE EAST

DEAR TIRED: I agree that what your wife is doing isn't fair. As to how to address it without starting a fight, a "fight" may be what you need to clear the air and work out your budget. A paramedic should not be working when they are exhausted. They need their wits about them, which may present a problem if they are not 100%.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 18 years, so I know his family well. His mother and I have a cordial, but not warm, relationship that's sometimes a lot of work. She has always been hard to shop for, but the last two times I've given her gifts (at Christmas and her last birthday), instead of a thank-you card, she actually returned the gifts with a note saying she'd never use them.

Now I'm not sure what to do. It's obvious we have different tastes. When I ask her what she'd like, she demurs and says something like, "I'm sure you'll choose something nice." If I don't send her a gift, it's sure to be taken as a rebuff. What are my other options? (For what it's worth, my husband has been no help here and considers gifts to be wholly my territory.) -- CLUELESS IN OHIO

DEAR CLUELESS: It is a HUGE breach of etiquette to return gifts the way your mother-in-law has done. Now, if you must give her something, you are free to ask her what she could use. (Might she like a gift card from her favorite store?)

DEAR ABBY: For years, my sister has been planning to retire and move in with my husband and me. She lives out of state, so this is a major move for her. It was never a problem -- until now. She is a strong anti-vax advocate and refuses to get vaccinated for COVID. My husband said she can't move in with us unless she is. How can I tell her diplomatically that she's no longer welcome to live with us? This is really upsetting for me, and I would appreciate your advice. -- DISTRAUGHT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Whether to get vaccinated is a personal choice. You have made yours, and she has made hers. Quit being "diplomatic," and don't debate this with her. TELL her the terms under which she is welcome to move in. If she cannot meet those terms, she will have to make other living arrangements. PERIOD.

DEAR ABBY: Is it obligatory for me to add my ex's name to our son's graduation announcements even though he doesn't have to pay child support and isn't there for our kids? -- PROUD MAMA IN MISSOURI

DEAR MAMA: No, it is not. Do as you wish.

DEAR ABBY: I was just released from the hospital, and I suspect my husband is tapping his foot waiting for me to fix him lunch. He isn't doing or saying anything overt, like "Get up and make me lunch," but it's more like he is whining about the options in front of him -- peanut butter, frozen leftovers, etc.

I'm on a liquid diet and do not feel well. I may be well enough to get out of the hospital, but I'm far from 100%. My husband hasn't offered to make me so much as a cup of tea. Instead, on my first morning home, he waited to get up until I had made the coffee and fed the cats. I didn't feel like getting up to feed the cats and make the coffee, I just knew he wouldn't get out of bed until I did. Last night, I made my own dinner while he whined that chicken broth and rice just didn't do it for him. Now he wants lunch.

We've been married for 40 years. He has been a good husband, but in retirement he has become selfish and petulant. I'm no longer sure I want to spend the rest of my life fending for myself with a babyman in tow.

Listening to him complain while I'm in pain and feeling weak, I just want to cry. He takes any criticism personally. We've always been two strong-willed personalities, but I can't push back right now -- I don't have the energy. I need him to step up and take care of me, but I'm afraid saying that will bring more hard feelings than help. -- SICK OF IT IN TEXAS

DEAR SICK: The most important thing you can do is focus on your own health and getting stronger. Next would be to open your mouth and tell your lazy, entitled husband exactly what you need and expect from him. That includes him making the coffee, feeding the animals and buying things he would like to have on hand while he makes his lunch -- and yours, if you need it. This is what partnership is all about. And if he really isn't up to it, you need to know so you can plan accordingly.

I am unsure whether you spoiled your husband or he came to the marriage fully self-entitled, but if he wants you on hand in case he gets sick or injured, this is the "investment" he is going to have to make now.

P.S. If he is not up to the task, perhaps a friend or relative can pitch in until you are stronger.

DEAR ABBY: My mom has this friend who I do not like at all. She's a royal pain in the butt. She calls nonstop, even when we are about to have dinner. I tried blocking her number from Mom's cellphone, but that didn't last long. Abby, this woman is bad news. My dad and brother are annoyed by her. Is there any way to tell this person to just go away? -- CAN'T STAND MOM'S FRIEND

DEAR CAN'T STAND: There is no way you can tell your mother's friend to go away. There is, however, a way for your mother to tell her not to call between the hours of 5:30 and 7:30 because it interrupts "family time." Because your father is also upset about the frequency and timing of the phone calls, this is something he should consider discussing with your mother.

DEAR ABBY: Is it normal to be disgusted by your wife's lack of concern about her appearance and her belongings? My wife drives a $50,000 car that never gets washed and is so filled with "stuff" that seldom can she take even one passenger.

Her side of the bedroom is just as bad. She never makes the bed and can no longer get to her dresser because there are so many clothes piled in front of it. It's the same down the hall. In addition to plowing things aside or piling them in a spare room, her messes take over the house.

She also doesn't take care of herself. She often doesn't shower for days. Her clothes are frumpy, and I can no longer count how many pounds she keeps adding. It is embarrassing for me, especially when she proclaims she "will never be concerned about her weight again." I feel it's disrespectful to me when she says those things, and I can't let this continue. I am supposed to get used to it? It doesn't seem right.

Most of her time is spent listening to and reading about politics. Some would be OK, but she has dived so far down the self-righteous religious rabbit hole, she has no other perspective. She can't work. She believes she's some sort of activist because she forwards memes on Facebook. It amazes me that she can see neighbors who are older than she is have full-time careers and take care of themselves and their things and yet still believe she's normal and even judge others.

She does a few things for the church, where she can portray an upstanding image, and it's really important to her that they see her that way. I think she has a chemical imbalance of some sort and needs help, but how do you even start? If it wasn't so complicated, I'd move out. By not doing so, is my complacency making things worse? -- AT MY LIMIT IN TEXAS

DEAR LIMIT: Was your wife like this when you were dating? In the year or two after your marriage? If the answer is no, it is important that she be evaluated by a doctor because what you describe could be symptoms of depression or a mental or emotional problem.

The way I would handle this if I were in your place would be to tell her you love her, but you can no longer live the way things have become. Then offer her a choice: Get help, or you are leaving.

DEAR ABBY: I have been struggling with the loss of my mother, who passed away 10 months ago. She was my best friend and was always there for me when I came out as gay. When I married my husband in October 2020, she was so happy -- she actually gave me away. We lost her suddenly, and since then my life has felt dark and sad. I'm currently in therapy, and I have made some progress. But I am stuck wondering, is it normal almost a year later to still feel hurt and sad that my mother is gone? -- SAD SON IN INDIANA

DEAR SON: I am glad you asked. I am also glad you are in therapy. Everyone grieves differently, and it is not unusual for someone to continue to grieve the loss of a loved one after a year. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. There are brighter days ahead.