Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband is desperate for women's attention, and I'm sure he'd cheat on me the instant he had the chance. We have been together for 12 years. When we met, he was 24 and I was 31. I realize now that while I have had four long-term relationships and a fair share of sexual partners, my husband has had little sexual experience outside of our relationship.

Any time he's around women, whether I am there or not, he makes it a point to strike up a conversation or gain their attention. It doesn't matter if they're young or old, attractive or not. He has fostered many "friendships" with women I don't know, like gas station attendants or his employer's office staff.

He swears he has never cheated, and I have never found any solid proof other than pornography. I just can't shake this feeling that he needs or wants to experience other women, and I don't know what to do. Please help. -- MORE EXPERIENCED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR MORE EXPERIENCED: If you haven't talked with your husband about this, do it now. Your husband may not be a wannabe philanderer as much as a plain old-fashioned flirt. People of both sexes need validation, particularly if their self-esteem isn't the highest. You won't know what's really driving him unless you can discuss it. If necessary, a marriage and family therapist may be able to help the two of you communicate on a non-threatening level.

DEAR ABBY: When I met my boyfriend, it felt perfect. I thought I had found my soul mate. When I met his family, we got along well and spent more and more time together. I was 28; he was 31. We lived an hour away from his parents, and even though we were there every weekend and sometimes twice a week, his mom began complaining that she didn't get to see him enough.

His sister, who is my age, grew increasingly jealous. I had just lost my younger brother and was grieving when she began lashing out at me regularly. She's extremely controlling of my boyfriend and me, demanding we do whatever she says and go wherever she wants us to go, including when we are allowed to leave.

She has no respect for any polite or firm boundaries we set, swearing and becoming hysterical and hostile almost every time we interact. She has "kicked me out" of the family gathering, which led to my being completely unwelcome. She tries to gaslight everyone and uses a lot of manipulation tactics to convince others I'm the problem, not her.

Now her husband and her parents lash out at me even at my boyfriend's expense. What is most depressing is that he sides with them because they're "family," and it's his role or he's the problem. This wore my boyfriend and me out, so I removed myself from the situation and moved to another state with my sister. Is there any chance we can have a peaceful future? -- 'IN-LAW' DRAMA IN TEXAS

DEAR DRAMA: No, there is not. Unless you enjoy being abused, the family dynamic you described was extremely unhealthy. You did the right thing to extricate yourself. If a peaceful future is what you're looking for, keep looking.

DEAR ABBY: We live in a retirement community. Many of our friends have hearing loss that ranges from slight to profound. While most of them have the money to travel the globe, they don't invest in hearing aids, which confounds us.

In restaurants, they keep bending their ears toward us and saying "Eh?" to just about every word. We are careful to enunciate clearly for their benefit, but it doesn't help much. Our natural inclination is to speak louder, which has embarrassed us several times as other diners grew quiet and turned to look at us.

On the most recent occasion, I brought a little notebook and pen in my purse, and when I wrote out a couple of responses, the wife looked offended. It didn't feel comfortable, but I thought it would be better than yelling or avoiding conversation altogether.

We find ourselves declining invitations with them more often in favor of electronic communication. These are delightful people otherwise. We're just not sure how to handle this. Do you have any suggestions? -- WORKING EARS IN FLORIDA

DEAR WORKING EARS: Yes, I do. Tell these people privately that they may need to get their hearing checked because you are having to shout when you go out in public. Hearing loss happens to many seniors, and those who have the problem can find themselves increasingly isolated. This is why it's so important to consult an audiologist when you start noticing a need to raise the volume on the television, or you often have to ask people to repeat what they have said to you.

DEAR ABBY: My son and his fiancee are getting married next month. They're calling it an elopement, but although they have been telling everyone when and where the wedding is, they are not formally inviting anyone. I have come to terms with that. I realize the day is about them, not me. However, this is my only child, and I have always dreamed about being part of this milestone in his life.

I'm sure this is his fiancee's choice and he is just going along with what she wants, but it is hurting me terribly to not be there. They have also decided a reception in their honor will be held six months afterward. Who does this? Is this proper etiquette? -- BROKEN-HEARTED MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: The rigid rules of etiquette have loosened considerably in recent years. Many younger people prefer the casual over the formal. Please don't lay the sole blame on your soon-to-be daughter-in-law without first discussing this with your son, because you may be shocked to learn this nontraditional wedding is happening with his enthusiastic blessing. If that's the case, quietly let go of your "dream."

As to not being with your son on this special day, if you haven't received a formal invitation, show up with a smile anyway and offer your services as a witness. Those who attend the wedding should be invited to the reception, and if they attend the reception, they should come with a gift in hand.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a paramedic. My wife constantly asks me to pick up additional 12-hour shifts so we have more money coming in, but says she can't do any more overtime at her job. She says she does so much work around the house that it makes us even.

She takes vacation time to go to theme parks and out with her friends while expecting me to save my time off and use it only when I can go with her. I don't think this is fair. How do I address this without starting a fight? -- TIRED IN THE EAST

DEAR TIRED: I agree that what your wife is doing isn't fair. As to how to address it without starting a fight, a "fight" may be what you need to clear the air and work out your budget. A paramedic should not be working when they are exhausted. They need their wits about them, which may present a problem if they are not 100%.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 18 years, so I know his family well. His mother and I have a cordial, but not warm, relationship that's sometimes a lot of work. She has always been hard to shop for, but the last two times I've given her gifts (at Christmas and her last birthday), instead of a thank-you card, she actually returned the gifts with a note saying she'd never use them.

Now I'm not sure what to do. It's obvious we have different tastes. When I ask her what she'd like, she demurs and says something like, "I'm sure you'll choose something nice." If I don't send her a gift, it's sure to be taken as a rebuff. What are my other options? (For what it's worth, my husband has been no help here and considers gifts to be wholly my territory.) -- CLUELESS IN OHIO

DEAR CLUELESS: It is a HUGE breach of etiquette to return gifts the way your mother-in-law has done. Now, if you must give her something, you are free to ask her what she could use. (Might she like a gift card from her favorite store?)

DEAR ABBY: For years, my sister has been planning to retire and move in with my husband and me. She lives out of state, so this is a major move for her. It was never a problem -- until now. She is a strong anti-vax advocate and refuses to get vaccinated for COVID. My husband said she can't move in with us unless she is. How can I tell her diplomatically that she's no longer welcome to live with us? This is really upsetting for me, and I would appreciate your advice. -- DISTRAUGHT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Whether to get vaccinated is a personal choice. You have made yours, and she has made hers. Quit being "diplomatic," and don't debate this with her. TELL her the terms under which she is welcome to move in. If she cannot meet those terms, she will have to make other living arrangements. PERIOD.

DEAR ABBY: Is it obligatory for me to add my ex's name to our son's graduation announcements even though he doesn't have to pay child support and isn't there for our kids? -- PROUD MAMA IN MISSOURI

DEAR MAMA: No, it is not. Do as you wish.