Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I have been married three years. The man I married is not the person I fell in love with. After our wedding, he demanded that I take his last name. I am proud of my last name, and I didn't want to drop it. (If only that were the sole problem.) I am no longer allowed to go out to lunch with my friends or even to see my family unless it's on one particular day. Abby, my family means a lot to me and my friends do, too.

I don't like being controlled. I have tried talking to him about it, but he blames everything on me. He is old-fashioned, so all my time "needs" to be here at home. I have children outside of this marriage, and my husband insists he comes first, no matter what. I do not feel that way. My children always come before anyone.

How do I fix this? If I can't resolve it, it means a DIVORCE. I don't want that, but my children and my family matter, and I don't believe a couple must spend every second together. Please give me your advice. -- CONTROLLED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CONTROLLED: Your husband has made clear that things are his way or the highway. He isn't going to mellow. Please take the hint, contact a lawyer and set yourself free. The alternative is to continue being treated like a hostage.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law and her husband become very defensive when my wife or I try to suggest things we believe would benefit them. Not only are they not interested, but they complain that we are trying to run their lives. They tell us they are adults (both are in their mid-30s) and will live their lives the way they want. Both are stuck in low-paying jobs. They frequently ask us and other relatives for money, which we have given as we are able.

What really bothers us is the way they yell at their 4-year-old son. It has reached the point that when the parents yell at the child, the child yells back at them. I'd like to help them overcome their unwise, uncompassionate child-rearing strategy, but I'm afraid my sister-in-law will snap back that they will do as they wish. How can we approach them without becoming the bad guys? -- WISE WIFE IN OREGON

DEAR WIFE: Many parents become upset when others start offering parenting advice or are critical of their poor parenting styles. Your sister-in-law falls squarely in this category. Although you mean well, your suggestions will be poorly received, so take my advice and don't offer any. They are not interested. If physical abuse becomes part of their "child-rearing strategy," report them to Child Protective Services immediately.

DEAR READERS: As I reflect back on this year, I would like to wish you a happy, healthy and successful 2024. Did 2023 fly by for you as quickly as it did for me? I will join you tonight in "toasting" a new year that, I pray, will be less stressful for all of us. If you are celebrating tonight, please take measures to protect not only your own health, but also the safety of others. Happy New Year, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: Our son "Ted" met a young lady, "Gina," who I really like. She told him she had polycystic ovary syndrome and would have a hard time conceiving. Well, she got pregnant and they ended up, spur of the moment, going to the courthouse to get married.

When Gina went into labor, we drove three hours to be with them and stayed in a hotel, only to be told she didn't want company. She'd had a horrible three-day labor that ended with a C-section. I sort of understand her not wanting to see anybody, but we dropped everything and weren't able to even see our grandchild.

My husband, "Peter," has a lot of resentment toward Gina and Ted. My problem is, when Peter and I married, I was three months pregnant. He has it stuck in his head that Gina "trapped" Ted into getting married. When Peter and I went through a rough patch, he made that comment about us a couple times.

When Ted and Gina come here, which isn't often, my husband makes no effort to get to know Gina, only to judge her. I try to text or FaceTime them every week or so to check in. I work the night shift, so I sleep during the day and am back up when they are asleep. How can I help my husband to see that they really do love each other and to help make Gina part of the family? -- TORN MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR TORN: It appears your husband still has some unresolved issues regarding the circumstances of your marriage that he has projected onto your daughter-in-law. Point out to him that this hasn't escaped your notice, and suggest that if he wants anything resembling a healthy relationship with his son, Gina, that baby AND YOU, he must start talking with a licensed therapist. It may also require some sessions with a counselor who specializes in family therapy, if Ted and Gina are willing. Cross your fingers. If your husband won't agree to it, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired automotive worker. My employer allows me to share my company discount with close relatives. One of them has taken advantage of my discount for the last 15 years, which has saved this person literally thousands of dollars. I don't do it to get anything in return, but I have never received even so much as a thank-you card from this relative.

This person isn't hurting financially by any means. They constantly travel and entertain. The only contact we have is when they are ready to buy another vehicle. Then they text me to say they need the authorization number to give to the dealer.

I'd like to stop this relative from utilizing my discount, but I don't know how to handle this. We see this person at holiday gatherings. -- DONE WITH THE DISCOUNT

DEAR DONE: Greet this relative warmly at the next holiday gathering. When you are asked again about that discount, give them the sad news that they starved their golden goose to death, which should get the message across. And if it is requested again, ignore it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We have had our ups and downs. I was unfaithful at one point, and he left for eight months, but we worked through it all.

We are now coming out of another really rough patch involving a lot of arguing and talk of divorce. I'm having a hard time because around the time he left, I started falling out of love with him. I tried my best to be a good wife and do what I am supposed to, but this last bout of unpleasantness has left me feeling empty and no longer in love.

There is now someone in my life I have developed strong feelings for. I imagine a life with him and the thought of being with him excites me. My husband is a good person, but he's an alcohol and drug addict. He has done EVERYTHING he can and is willing to do things he can't to ensure I love him as much as he loves me, and that our marriage doesn't end. He has been sober now for seven years, but habits and tendencies still remain.

The problems in our marriage are not all his fault. I have some things I also need to work on, and yet, I still imagine a life with another man. What should I do? -- CONFLICTED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFLICTED: Please discuss the state of your marriage (and your feelings) with a licensed marriage and family therapist. It might make sense for you and your husband to have a trial separation, because changing partners might not be what you hope it will be. It would give you the chance to find out whether the "excitement" you feel for this other man is real or the illusion of a woman who is unhappy. You have already been through so much, so please do nothing on impulse now.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired widow. A new neighbor moved in next door. I have always been pleasant to her while she complains about everyone and everything, but it's getting old. She watches for me to walk my dog, then runs outside to tell me her latest woe or complain about something. She has now begun ringing my doorbell and inviting herself inside for the same reasons.

Abby, I live in a small community. We are all close neighbors. I don't know what to do about this woman. Can you suggest anything? I'm thinking about moving. -- PRIVATE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR PRIVATE: It appears your new neighbor is friendless, and for good reason. As I see it, there are a couple of things you can do to discourage her. The first would be, when you are trapped and she is complaining, to stop her and tell her you prefer to talk only about pleasant things. The second would be, when she rings your bell, to tell her you are busy and when you want company you will invite her over. Do NOT let her in.