DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married three years, and we generally trade off spending holidays with each of our families. Because neither set of our parents is willing to travel to us, we go to them.

My mother-in-law takes great pride in hosting and sets a beautiful table. She'll spend an entire day in the kitchen, forgoing visiting with guests and wearing herself out to present an amazing dinner. If this brought her pleasure, there wouldn't be a problem. But, Abby, she complains bitterly about how tired she is, how much her feet hurt, how much work it is to have people in her home and how she resents it.

The thing is, she won't let us help. I've offered each time to help her cook, bring dishes made ahead of time or take a turn so she can sit down. Each time I have been sternly rebuffed, as if I've asked something embarrassing. When I tried leading the cleanup crew, her response was a hard no. I even suggested I come a day early and help with prep work, also no. I'm pretty sure she tells her friends she has lazy kids. Suggestions? -- BAFFLED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BAFFLED: Your mother-in-law appears to love to suffer. She is a martyr, so please stop attempting to deprive her of her pleasure. Try as you will (and have), you can't change her. Of course, you and her son could offer to take her and Dad OUT for a lovely dinner. If you haven't already experienced enough rejection from the woman, you could give it a try. But don't be surprised if she refuses the offer or takes this personally. What she may say to her friends about you should not affect you.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like your opinion regarding the financial help I give my sister. When her husband passed 18 months ago, it was clear she needed some help each month. I've been sending her $200, which I can afford for now. (My husband and I are on Social Security.)

Eight months ago, she took in an old acquaintance for the purpose of collecting room rent. Turns out he can't or won't work, and she is supporting him now as well as sharing her bed. Also, their past relationship was disastrous. Both of them were alcoholics at the time. She has now resumed drinking with him, after having quit a few years ago.

Abby, I don't want my dislike for her lifestyle to impact my financial help, but on the other hand, I feel I'm being taken advantage of. Should I keep sending her money? -- SOUR SISTER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SISTER: Have a talk with Sissy. Tell her you have been sending her money because you felt she needed it after the death of her husband. Then remind her that she has a new partner in her home, her life and her bed, and he should be contributing -- which is why you will no longer be sending her money. She needs to hear it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who came out late in life. I have three grown, married children and five grandchildren. They are my world, and we are all very close. I've had one partner. My family readily accepted and welcomed him because he made me happy. Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

I have been seeing another person, and our connection is very strong. We have lots in common. I think I'm falling in love, and I envision a future with him. He is HIV-positive. I am on PrEP, or preexposure prophylaxis, the most effective medication to prevent contracting HIV. We have not been intimate, but I'm aware of all the literature about the extremely low risk of transmission.

My kids are bright, intelligent and "enlightened." I wonder if I should tell them about my boyfriend being positive. A part of me says that's his truth and he should tell them if he feels compelled. I will not reveal it without his approval. Another part of me says it's not my children's business because it applies only to intimate situations. But I've always been completely upfront with my kids about practically everything.

So now I'm torn about what to do -- tell them (or he tells them) and risk getting a negative reaction, or I keep it a secret, no matter how uncomfortable that is for me. Please advise. -- HOW HONEST IN THE EAST

DEAR HOW HONEST: If there were a compelling reason for your adult children to know your friend's HIV status, I would urge you to tell them. However, because none of them are likely to have sex with this person, I see no reason to share that information.

DEAR ABBY: I have one sister I love. Our parents passed away 12 years ago. We don't have a good relationship, although I try. Recently, we have been texting again.

Her son is being married in a few months. I have three children. My 26-year-old has been in trouble a lot and caused my sister's family hurt. He's not going to the wedding. My other boys are younger, 18 and 21. They have never been in trouble.

I have maintained somewhat of a relationship with my nephew. He has only three cousins on his mom's side. There are at least 17 cousins on his dad's side. Many of them have spouses, and they are all invited. My younger sons are not. Because I am deeply hurt, I have decided not to attend. My nephew's excuse for not inviting my sons was that "attendance is tight."

Am I wrong for not going? I can't help but think my sister and (all but one) of her kids don't want a relationship with my family. Should I let it go or continue pursuing a relationship when it seems obvious the feeling is not reciprocated? -- DEEPLY HURT IN TEXAS

DEAR DEEPLY HURT: It's a shame that your two law-abiding sons are being tarred with the same brush as the one who is a black sheep. They do not deserve it. However, I caution you against overreacting by boycotting the wedding. If you attend, it will give you an opportunity to tighten family ties and to talk about how proud you are of your two younger sons, who are on the straight and narrow.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently diagnosed with a progressive disease for which there is no cure. It will affect me physically and mentally as I age. For now, I'm treating the symptoms and trying to minimize their effect on my day-to-day life. But this is certainly not how I expected to live out my "golden years."

I have shared my diagnosis with close family and friends, but until my symptoms become more pronounced, I'm choosing to move forward in as positive a way as possible, without dwelling on the inevitable health issues that lie ahead.

My problem is, some of these friends and family members continually quiz me on the status of my condition. I don't believe I'm in denial, but I choose not to speak or think about my illness every minute of the good days I still have. This disease will take over much of my future soon enough. When voicing these thoughts in response to their queries, I have been met by some with surprise and it's perceived as insulting by others who are showing concern for me.

How do I convey my desire for privacy regarding my health without offending well-wishers? This problem is sure to become more frequent as the disease progression becomes evident to more people. -- GOOD FOR NOW IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GOOD: Too many people are "endlessly curious." If you prefer to take each good day as it comes and not dwell on or be quizzed about your illness, that should be your privilege. You have a right to some privacy.

Ask these well-meaning individuals to please not discuss your illness further because, when you are ready to discuss it, YOU will raise the subject. If that message offends anyone, so be it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend just started his first year of college. We have been together for about a year and a half. He isn't super far away, but his mom is restricting us from seeing each other "too often." Every time I go to visit him, I pay for my own train ticket. I don't really think my visiting him is affecting her in any way. We both want to be respectful of her and her wishes, but when it's possible to see him, I'd like to be able to.

A relationship is hard to maintain seeing each other only once a month. He does come home for breaks and some weekends, which I am grateful for. I just don't feel she should be making those choices for us. I want to communicate to her about this, but I don't want to seem disrespectful or rude. What should I do? -- THREE IS A CROWD

DEAR THREE: Your boyfriend's mother wants to be sure her son concentrates on his education with as few distractions as possible. She may also be fearful that the two of you are becoming intimate before you are mature enough to manage the consequences. If you are smart, you will refrain from having the discussion you are contemplating. If the visitation schedule is too restrictive, your boyfriend is the person who should talk to his mother about it.