DEAR ABBY: I recently hosted my husband's birthday. It was a great party. I reserved for 85 people, including the DJ, his assistant, the party planner and her crew. On the day of the event, 20% of the guests who RSVP'd did not show up. One couple said their two daughters had a debut party that night. Another family said their son had an outing. Others had legitimate reasons, like being sick or the house catching fire.

I gave my guests ample time to RSVP. I sent the save-the-date cards four months before, the invitation two months before and the deadline to RSVP two weeks before the event. I even extended the invitation to allow other adults and kids to come to the party. I was too generous. I think it's rude for the families who RSVP for a certain number of people to dismissively not show up because of another event, not considering that each head count means additional cost and planning for the meal, seating chart, etc.

How do I let them know I wish they would have told me ahead of time so I could have removed them and saved myself a few hundred dollars? Or should I even let them know? -- GENEROUS HOST IN TEXAS

DEAR HOST: If I thought a lecture to these boors would be effective, I would tell you to go ahead and do what you have in mind. However, a more effective and less confrontational way to save yourself a future headache would be to simply omit them from your guest list.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is a lovely woman -- generous, with a heart of gold. Her husband, my husband's brother, is a kind and gentle man who works hard to provide for his family. They do much for their community and seemingly have every moment of the day occupied with something.

But whenever I'm with my SIL, she never fails to whine about where her husband falls short. Sometimes, she does it in front of him. It's uncomfortable because I don't want him to think I agree with her. Almost always the problems are minuscule. Example: The house is never clean enough, or he's not doing X-Y-Z to help her. (To me, it looks like he does plenty.) She says she's always doing "everything herself."

I'm not one for confrontation and don't want to cause trouble in our relationship because I do enjoy her a lot, and I'm afraid of the repercussions of "going there." But enough is enough. It makes me dread one-on-one conversations or not want to interact because it is draining. How do I handle this? -- ZERO TOLERANCE

DEAR ZERO TOLERANCE: Ask your sister-in-law to please stop complaining, because when she does it makes you uncomfortable. After that, when she starts again, change the subject to something else -- cooking, gardening, even politics or religion if you think it will distract her. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: A relative is getting married, and the RSVP date has passed. It was announced many months ago and was to be a big, formal church wedding, with eight or nine groomsmen and bridesmaids, a flower girl and ring bearer, followed by a reception.

On the last day of the RSVP deadline, the couple sent out a postcard stating: "Change of plans! After much consideration, we have decided to have a private wedding ceremony. Meet at the reception as planned."

I think it's extremely rude and presumptuous to be expected to travel a great distance at a hefty expense only to find out that guests are now excluded from the actual wedding. I'm trying to make sense of this awkward situation. Any advice? -- LEFT AT THE DOOR

DEAR LEFT: Yes, I do have a bit of advice for you. Because you are unhappy with the change of plans and find them to be "rude and presumptuous," send a congratulatory card to the happy couple that reads: "Change of plans: Sorry, we will be unable to attend your reception, but we wish you all the best!" (Their plans changed; so can yours.)

DEAR ABBY: Am I obligated to give people a free ride just because I am going to the same place or in the same direction? Too often people who barely speak to us suddenly remember we exist when they want something, especially if they or their child needs a ride somewhere.

Sometimes, they give lame excuses like, "Oh. I'm almost out of gas." Other times it's that they have chosen to do something else -- like go to a party -- instead of picking up their child. I don't mind helping occasionally, but it's to the point where I feel these people know they can do whatever else they wish because they know I'll pick up the slack. I'm tired of being the chauffeur. I don't want to make waves, but how can I say no? -- UNHAPPY DRIVER IN LOUISIANA

DEAR DRIVER: Here's how. The next time you feel imposed upon, speak up and just say NO, that it isn't convenient. Do not feel obligated to go into detail or lie about why not. If this makes waves, it means that your relationship with that person wasn't friendship, but transactional.

DEAR READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day.

May you always have

A sunbeam to warm you

Good luck to charm you

And a sheltering angel

So nothing can harm you.

Laughter to cheer you

Faithful friends near you

And whenever you pray,

Heaven to hear you.

LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was 4 when we adopted her. She's 23 now, going to college and moving into an apartment soon. She has been the center of our lives, since our older children are grown. We have supported her through abandonment issues, lost boyfriends, school, everything. We went through cancer treatment with her. She acts like things are good here.

About a year ago, she met a man who worked at a resort where we vacationed. They traded contact information, and then the lies began. She'd tell us she was traveling "with the girls" when she was flying to another state. The man is here on a student visa. He may not be able to stay. His Plan B is most certainly marriage.

We mentioned this possibility to her, but when we did, she became angry and defensive. She dredges up things from years ago to deflect and blame. His family is courting her, sending her gifts for every holiday. She just returned this week from another visit. She doesn't talk about him. But when I was putting something in her room, I saw what looked like an engagement ring.

How am I supposed to feel when she keeps these secrets? We've given her every opportunity -- travel soccer, dance, band, camps, even sent her to Europe on a tour with band members. We pay for her college and her every need. I am hurt, and I don't know what this means for the future, since we've only met him once, for five minutes. -- BEWILDERED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR BEWILDERED: Your daughter's lying and unwillingness to be open about her plans is a character flaw. People who are proud of what they are doing don't lie about it. It's time you and your spouse sit your daughter down for a serious question-and-answer session with her -- and possibly her boyfriend.

First among them, why all the secrecy? If they are serious about each other (as the ring would indicate), why have you not met his family? Does she plan to complete her education? If so, does she expect you to continue paying for it? You are entitled to some straight answers, and I sincerely hope you get them. That information will give you a clue about how to proceed from here.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a man of substantial means. I'm well-educated, but never made a lot of money from my education. My money comes from a relationship I had with a man who died a year and a half ago.

I think I may be in love with my current beau, but he has never loved anyone from the middle class. We both have children from previous marriages. I have grandchildren as well. Should I let nature take its course, or become more assertive in pursuing more out of our relationship? -- TENTATIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TENTATIVE: Although you may be tempted to become more assertive about pursuing "more," take the slower route and get to know this "substantial" gentleman better. He may or may not be biased against folks from less fortunate circumstances, but you won't know unless you give yourself the time to see what develops.