Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Sandy" divorced her husband 15 years ago. Her oldest son, "Nick," has never gotten over it. He's 30 now and has treated her badly over the years. He not only vandalized her home but has also said horrible things to her. She maintained a relationship with him despite his behavior, supporting him emotionally and sometimes financially.

Sandy has been engaged to her long-term boyfriend for three years, but Nick is hostile toward him. He calls him names, denigrates his faith and refuses to accept him as part of the family. Her fiance has grown tired of this treatment, and I'm afraid it may cause their breakup.

My sister doesn't want to lose her son over this, and everyone in our family, including her other children, loves Nick. What can she do? -- SEES DYSFUNCTION IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR SEES: What your sister should do depends upon what's more important to her. If losing her fiance to maintain a relationship with her disrespectful and unloving son is paramount, she should end their romantic relationship. Of course, it won't change her son's deplorable behavior, and she will have to accept that. OR she can decide to go on with her life and possibly marry her gentleman friend. The rest of the family can continue to love Nick as much as they wish, and everyone will be happier.

P.S. I can't help but wonder why this letter came from you and not from your sister. The most unwelcome advice is that which is unsolicited.

DEAR ABBY: As far as I'm concerned, my marriage is over. For the past 10 years or more, my wife has recklessly spent our joint savings and my pension savings, taken out credit cards in my name without my knowledge and put us through bankruptcy. We now have over $50k in debt with nothing left. She has also been having affairs on the side.

I can't trust a word she says or continue to live like this. Each time, she has begged for forgiveness and promised not to do it anymore -- until she does it a week later. We agreed to separate a month ago, but now she realizes there's not going to be any regular income from me and wants to stay married. When I told her no, she attacked me physically.

I don't want the police involved. I have a daughter on the spectrum. Although she's a young adult, she will blame me, and what relationship I have with her will be destroyed. I have been advised to not move out, as that can be seen by the courts as abandoning my property to her. Please advise, Abby. -- END OF THE ROAD

DEAR END: The best advice I can offer you is to tell this story to the best divorce lawyer you can find (interview several) and follow that person's advice to the letter. If you must remain on the property, buy a sturdy lock for your bedroom door, and use it. If your wife becomes violent again, DO involve the police, and get out of there as soon as you safely can.

DEAR ABBY: After 10 years of being with my wife, including eight years of marriage, I accidentally discovered she was having affairs online. She put me through weeks of lies, denial, minimizing and obfuscating before finally giving me full disclosure. At this point, I'll never know if I can believe her after her seven years of off-and-on cheating with one main partner and two others. Even if I were to believe she's remorseful and has changed, it's hard to live with what's already happened.

It's been 15 months. I can't get past the pain of the betrayal and the feeling that she didn't love or respect me for most of our relationship. In addition, there are images I can't get out of my head. I want to leave, but finances and young children make it complicated. Also, my wife will cry, get dramatic and make me feel bad, telling me she will just go to a homeless shelter. I don't know if she's purposely trying to make me feel guilty or what. Please help. -- LIVING IN PAIN IN OREGON

DEAR LIVING: Of course your wife is trying to make you feel guilty! The best defense is a strong offense. She didn't lie to you once -- your entire marriage has been a continuous lie. Are you even sure the children are yours and not one of her lovers'?

Talk to a lawyer now. (While you're at it, make an appointment to be tested for STDs.) If you are the father of any of those children, file for full custody. Where your wife lives after that is up to her. (Perhaps one of her lovers will take her in, which will spare you your feelings of undeserved guilt for protecting yourself.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been independent from my family for 25 years. I have always lived a few hours' drive from them. (I now live an hour away from my mother and three hours from my sister and her family.) For every occasion over those 25 years, I have always visited them -- spending time, money on gas, putting thousands of miles on my car and sometimes taking time off from work. Never has anyone visited me, other than once when my sister was passing through and wanted to have lunch.

I have invited my family countless times, but there's always an excuse. Often, it's that my place is too small to accommodate them or that I have a roommate. I'm expected to spend my resources visiting them or go broke to have a place that can accommodate them. I am reminded of this lopsided situation every time my roommate's family visits multiple times per year. They stay in hotels.

I'm not confrontational. I love my family, but I feel some boundaries need to be established. Am I unreasonable? If not, do you have any suggestions? -- ALL ON ME IN FLORIDA

DEAR ALL: If it is not practical to continue traveling to visit your relatives, stop doing it. Do not stop inviting them to visit you, however, and when you do, tell them you know they would be more comfortable staying in a nearby hotel or motel, which is what your roommate's family has been doing for years.

DEAR ABBY: I am a lesbian who recently experienced heartbreak by falling in love with my mentor and boss. I didn't want it to happen, but it did. The time we spent together was a balance of bliss and fear. My heart and soul feel that she feels the same way about me. I left my job because my feelings for her became so overwhelming, I could no longer cope.

She knows how I feel about her, and she has shown interest in me in the past. She is not gay, but I do know of straight women who have fallen in love with one woman in their lives. We have a 15-year age difference. That doesn't matter to me. I'm absolutely crazy about her. I dream about our Victorian home together and a beautiful garden and life. I want nothing else but to make her happy for the rest of her life, make her breakfast every morning and beautiful dinners every night.

We are no longer communicating, upon her request. I want to heal my heart and live my life. It's so hard to let go of her, but I know I should. On the other hand, something tells me I should wait for her. How can I move forward and find the love I deserve in this life? -- CRUSHED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CRUSHED: If you really want to find the love you know you deserve, then you are going to have to find someone who is ready and willing to provide it. This person is not. She was interested in you only as a friend and an employee. Asking you to stop communicating with her was a strong message.

It may take time and even psychological counseling to help you disengage from your fantasy of an idealized life with this woman. But for the sake of your sanity, it's important that you try.

DEAR ABBY: My son got his girlfriend pregnant. She already has a 7-year-old by another man. Her mother kicked her and the baby out right after the baby was born. She had no other place to go, so I had her, her child and my grandbaby stay with my husband and me. What a big mistake that was!

All we asked of her was to clean up a little bit around the house. She lives here rent-free. She buys her food and will cook sometimes for herself and her children, but she leaves the pots and pans and dishes for me to do. She won't lift a finger to do any other household chores. She works only part time, and I watch both kids when my son can't. Am I wrong to be angry that she won't help out? -- DOING IT ALL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOING IT: I'm glad you asked. This appears to be an example of "no good deed goes unpunished." That said, you are wrong to be angry at your son's girlfriend. You should be angry at yourself for tolerating her selfish behavior.

She and your son should be working toward being independent. They are a family now. Lay down the law to your son and this young woman. Tell them exactly what you expect of both of them -- and that if they don't comply, they will have to make other living arrangements. Then enforce the rules. If you do, you will be doing all of you a favor.