Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. We have no children together, but I have four from a previous marriage. Two are grown and have moved out; two are still home and in high school.

When we got together, my husband stepped right up and became a wonderful stepdad. He has always been a provider, a listener, an advice giver, friend, etc. He is the epitome of a great dad and husband. My family loves him, and I love him with my whole heart.

There is just one small problem that has recurred throughout our marriage. Abby, he told me several years ago that he had stopped smoking marijuana, yet many times over the years I have caught him sneaking around to do it. If I ask him about it, he lies to my face and insists that no, he doesn't. I don't ask unless I have seen it or have found some somewhere.

We live in a state where recreational use is legal, so it's not the smoking that really bothers me -- it's the lying. I don't partake, so I guess I don't understand, but how can I get him to see that I need him to be honest with me? I can't accept being lied to, especially over something so stupid. -- MIFFED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIFFED: Your husband may lie because he knows how you feel about his smoking, and he wants to avoid conflict. Since you have caught him in the act, his unwillingness to fess up shows a lack of character and, I'm sorry to say, a tendency to gaslight you, and I don't blame you for being upset.

There are few ways more effective in eroding trust than to do what you say he has been doing. That is why it is important the two of you have an HONEST discussion about his pot smoking -- either at home or in the office of a licensed family therapist.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently moved to a new city. I have made friends here, and we have great neighbors. I have become close with several of the women, but my husband has not made any buddies. When I try to create opportunities for him to get closer to the guys, he reacts by saying, "How dare you!" or "What makes you think I need help?"

When I want some girl time with my friends, he gets mad and accuses me of not wanting him around and excluding him from my life. I can't seem to make him understand that women need girl time for our own mental health, and it is not about him. Help, please! -- SAD AND TRAPPED

DEAR SAD: Most women need women friends, so please don't isolate yourself in an attempt to placate your husband. If he thinks that by hanging around with you and your women friends he is filling what's missing in his social life, he needs a wake-up call. Whether you want him around during those visits or not, the feelings of the other women should be considered.

Did your husband have male friends in your former town? I suspect not, which may be why he continues to be so dependent on you now. Unless he is willing to make the effort, you can't fix his social problems. Encouraging him to develop hobbies and interests of his own may help, and volunteering in your new community might introduce him to other men he can bond with. Please suggest it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm new to the LGBTQ+ community and finding it tough. I'm torn between living a happy life or being around my family, who don't 100% accept me as bisexual/asexual and involved with a transgender female. My new partner and I are happy together, but my family doesn't approve that I'm finally feeling happy and accepted by someone who values me for me.

My partner and I want to eventually move to another state where we can live a happier life together, if and when the time comes. I want to live free from stress and drama. I battle daily with bad triggers in my personal life with no escape. How can I be happy and have my family support me, even if it doesn't make them happy? -- BI MILLENNIAL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BI MILLENNIAL: You have a right to a stress-free life. Because your given family isn't accepting, you may have to build a chosen family for yourself. If you live in a community with a LGBTQ community center -- or one nearby -- start by contacting it. If you don't, go online and find a LGBTQ+ support group to help you through this.

Another source of support for yourself and your partner would be PFLAG, (pflag.org). It also helps bridge the gap in families struggling to communicate and understand gay, bi and transgender family members. With education comes understanding. If, however, this isn't possible, the healthiest thing for you to do would be to move to a place where you can feel accepted for who you are.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for seven. We've had our fair share of problems. Between the two of us, we have four girls. He has two from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous relationship, and we share one together.

His eldest daughter is the problem. The youngest two live with us; the other two are adults who live outside the home. The eldest is very into herself and always has been. She loves to hear herself talk, and it is always about herself. She's not as bad as she was when she was younger, but it still bothers me. My husband doesn't seem to mind, but I find it annoying.

She has a son, so I don't think she should be talking only about herself. My reaction toward her has caused problems between my husband and me. My question is, how do I deal with a 30-year-old who is like this? -- HUMBLE LADY IN TEXAS

DEAR LADY: You may consider yourself to be "humble," but the impression you have left me with is that you have a tendency to be controlling and judgmental. That you feel you have the right to script another adult is presumptuous.

While you may consider your husband's oldest daughter to be a crashing bore, it doesn't give you the right to act on your annoyance. You don't have to love her. You don't have to see her often. Sometimes, you can arrange to be elsewhere. But when you do see her, be cordial and try to steer the conversation toward the topic of her son and his activities.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Wayne," and I were dating 15 years ago, he would occasionally get angry and stalk off or bust a bag of chips, but after I gave him time alone, he'd be back like nothing happened. He always said that episodes such as this were something he was "working on."

After we had children, the incidents continued occasionally. I thought it was because he worked hard, so as a stay-at-home-mom, I just gulped, gave him his space, and he would eventually get back to normal.

I continued walking on eggshells and tried diligently to not make him angry again. Embarrassingly, my son's preschool teacher asked one time if everything was OK because my son mentioned that his daddy yelled at his mommy a lot.

Wayne lost his job six months ago and has chosen not to work since then. He doesn't want to work for "the man" anymore, and his angry outbursts have increased. He has destroyed multiple items in our home (the trash can, our cooktop and a colander) in his anger.

Our kids are older now and witness these events, and I can no longer continue to live in this environment. He's setting a terrible example and I hate hiding out in the bedroom. I recently got a job to help with family finances, but I'm not sure I can focus with all this going on at home. I've suggested marriage counseling multiple times, but he ignores me. What do you suggest I do? -- CAN'T TAKE IT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT: I am so glad you have a job. Now it's time to start saving as much money from your wages as you can so you and your children can escape. (Keep it in a safe place.) Normally, I might chalk up your husband's inability to control his outbursts to job stress. However, your husband's behavior seems to be escalating.

The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. It is available 24/7. I urge you to call and let someone there help you form a safe escape plan because you may need one.

DEAR ABBY: I have been close to my sister for most of my adult life. When my daughter Patricia was born, my sister created the nickname "Patzilla" -- a combination of Patricia and Godzilla. I told her I didn't like the name, and she stopped saying it -- for a while. Now she's using it again, and I'm deeply hurt by this. It's not an association I want my child to have for herself, and it comes across as mean. Since my first expression of not liking this is being ignored, I'm not sure how to proceed. -- HATES NAME-CALLING

DEAR HATES: Your sister has a peculiar sense of humor. There are sweet nicknames, and "Patzilla" isn't one of them. In fact, it's rather mean and sinister. How to proceed would be to not expose your child to anyone who ridicules her or calls her a name you don't want her to have.