DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Guy," and I enjoyed a happy marriage for 30 years, despite the fact that his mother disliked me and did everything she could to undermine our relationship. Guy died suddenly in his sleep last month while we were vacationing in South Asia. I cut the trip short, but between complying with local legalities, arranging for his cremation and his ashes' return to the U.S., and rebooking an international flight, it took me five days to get home.

I decided not to tell anyone that Guy had died until I arrived home. I felt uncomfortable having people know when I was halfway around the world. So, once I was safely home, I immediately notified Guy's family and my own family and ran an obituary in the local newspaper.

His mother is livid with me for not telling her immediately. She sent me a vicious email in which she called me every bad name in the book, even hinting that I may have had something to do with Guy's demise. I'm not going to respond to her, but was I wrong by delaying the announcement? Is there a rule that says his family was entitled to immediate notification? -- SUDDEN WIDOW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WIDOW: Guy's mother is grieving. Her anger may stem from the pain of losing her son. She might have wanted the opportunity to see him one more time before he was cremated, if that was possible. If she really thinks you might have had something to do with his demise, offer her a copy of his death certificate.

And no, there isn't a rule of etiquette about notifying someone's family about a death, although it usually happens at the time the person dies. That said, his mother should have taken into consideration the fact that you were in shock yourself and alone in a foreign country, which could account for why no one heard from you until you were safely home.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not exaggerating when I say my son and his wife are slobs. Their house is filthy, the outside is neglected and their cars are disgusting. They are both working professionals, and I understand that, but my husband and I are working professionals too, and we always cared for our home. That is the life my kids were used to.

It's difficult to spend time in their home. We no longer stay overnight because the perpetual chaos and dirtiness is stressful. My daughter struggles to be in their home for the same reasons. I am hoping for suggestions to help us maintain a good relationship but also to guide them gently. It's not a healthy environment for their two children, either. -- APPALLED MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR MOM: Your son and daughter-in-law are busy, and their priorities are different from yours. If their home is as bad as you say, my concern is for the children who are growing up to think this is normal. If they are earning good money at their jobs, perhaps they could afford hiring someone to do the cleaning and yard work they don't have time for. You might gently suggest it, or offer to treat them once in a while. However, if they aren't receptive, back off.

DEAR ABBY: A close male friend, "Will," ended our friendship without warning. I didn't know he had such strong feelings about my current arrangement. I have been dating a married man, "Bart," whose wife suggested he get himself a girlfriend if he wanted sex/intimacy/companionship. She also told him she would "never want to sleep with him again." It has been 10 years since they were last intimate or even shared a bed. They don't live together; Bart lives in his guest house. They share a son, which is why he doesn't want to leave.

As a parent, I understand. It's why I stayed in my own marriage for so long. The circumstances are less than ideal and something I never thought I'd be a part of, but I haven't felt this wonderful in years. My ex-husband and I were never this compatible. When I'm with Bart, it's magical, and I believe it's mutual.

For this choice of mine, Will has severed our friendship. He did it via text. I'd told him about it two weeks earlier, and he advised me to be careful. He called Bart and me "cheaters," but it's not exactly like that. I'm deeply hurt over this loss. I want to know if Will is in the wrong or if I am. -- NO CHEATER IN ARIZONA

DEAR NO CHEATER: Does who is "right or wrong" matter at this point? Your friend Will does not approve of your affair with Bart because of his marital status and has chosen to distance himself. That's his privilege. You made an adult decision to engage in this relationship, and it has cost you a friend. Live your life, but don't be shocked if others also feel the way Will does.

DEAR ABBY: I've been dating a wonderful guy for the last six months. Our relationship is great, but he has an ex who is much younger than us (a 16-year age gap). He started seeing her while she was pregnant by someone else. He stayed with her until the baby was 3, but, given the circumstances, he continues to get the baby for weekends, etc. He is not on the birth certificate, but the baby knows only him as her dad.

My problem is the ex. She constantly calls or texts him for money or to say she bought things for the little girl. She has called him to come over to hang out, and, most recently, asked him to co-sign for a new car for her.

I'm not OK with the lack of boundaries, and I have said so. He hears me and has told her several times to back off, but she doesn't listen. It's causing arguments between us. The child isn't his actual child, but that fact obviously isn't changing anything. Should I walk away? -- THIRD WHEEL IN THE EAST

DEAR THIRD WHEEL: Your boyfriend is clearly attached to the little girl. You can't change that, nor should you try. That said, he is still with you in spite of the fact that his ex may be trying to get him (and his financial support) back. Whether you should grit your teeth and tolerate it isn't something I can answer. Your boyfriend can, however, and whether you should walk away is a question you should be asking him.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend's mom has dementia. He asked me and my kids to move in with him and said he would marry me. In exchange, he expected me to quit my job and take care of his mom. I felt it was a disaster waiting to happen, and taking care of someone with dementia while raising two teenagers was a terrible idea, so I refused.

He put his mother in a nursing home, and now I am no longer treated the same by him. The woman is abusive. She hits and bites and isn't easy to deal with. Living with her would have destroyed our relationship and been stressful for my children. My boyfriend isn't the easiest guy to open up to. I'm sad and don't know what to do. -- TOO MUCH TO HANDLE

DEAR TOO MUCH: When your boyfriend proposed marriage, it wasn't because he loved you. He was looking for an easy solution (for him) to his mother problem. To expect you to quit your job and sacrifice your retirement benefits was nervy. You are not trained to care for a violent dementia patient. He treats you differently because he's angry you didn't go along with his plans for you. What you should do now is move on, because his resentment is unlikely to diminish.

DEAR ABBY: For the entirety of our relationship, my wife has never listened to me. It's literally the only thing I've ever asked her to do. She constantly tells me I have nothing worthwhile to say, without ever actually letting me finish a sentence.

My mother is coming into some money and offered me a sizable sum, provided I don't tell my wife. I'm seriously considering "taking the money and running." I can no longer deal with the constant emotional abuse. My wife treats her children the same way, and it's disgusting to me. What should I do? -- TEMPTED IN CANADA

DEAR TEMPTED: If things are as bad as you have described, talk to an attorney and legally declare your independence. After that's done, take your mother up on her generous offer.

DEAR ABBY: When I married in 1974, my mother had one of my wedding photos of me in my wedding dress and holding my bouquet. It was lovely, and she had it made up into a large 36-inch-by-26-inch portrait with a beautiful frame. It hung in my old bedroom until she passed away. I have had it in a closet in my house ever since.

I've asked my daughter and son if they would like to have it, and they don't. I'm wondering if I should throw it away or leave it up to them when I'm gone. Because we have always had a loving relationship, I don't want either of them to feel bad about disposing of it. -- PICTURING THE FUTURE

DEAR PICTURING: You must be sentimental about that portrait, or you wouldn't have kept it all these years. Because of that, I don't think you should toss it. After you are gone, your daughter or son may change their mind about having it. Let them decide when the time comes.