DEAR ABBY: I enjoy helping my friends, my partner and family members. I feel doing good deeds is important in my retirement. My hands are pretty full with getting my elderly dad to medical visits, and I also visit him three times a week. I also have older single friends I do things for, such as occasionally dropping off meals and running errands.

Lately, I have been asked to provide transportation to medical appointments for no less than three of these friends. One, in particular, is more of a friend of my partner. Nevertheless, she expects a lot of me. I feel taking care of my dad and my partner keeps me busy enough. I feel pressured by these other friends. If I say no to them, I feel guilty.

How do I gracefully bow out with these folks? One of them has implied I'm not a good friend if I don't help them get to the doctor, sit with their dog, etc. She never seems to remember past good deeds and loves to start arguments with everyone (she only has one or two friends left). Any advice? -- WEARY MAN IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WEARY MAN: For some folks, it's only a short step from being a people-pleaser to being a doormat. You have been kind and helpful; now it's time to start helping yourself. You shouldn't feel guilty for saying no to entitled individuals. The woman you described is one of them, so don't expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you have already given.

Developing the ability to say no is similar to weightlifting. Start small, work your way up, and in a short time, you will have developed the muscle. Try it. You'll like it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I met on the debate team in high school. We would get into heated debates about every topic, and I think it was one of the things he loved most about me.

Fast-forward 14 years and a couple of children later, and I don't have the fire in me to debate "oranges vs. strawberries" anymore. Every time I state a simple opinion, he tries to engage in a debate, but he goes from zero to 100 in a minute and forgets to listen to my opinion. I have taken to "letting him win" just to shut him up because I don't want to hear it. He gets frustrated when I do this and always says that it's what we used to do.

Abby, my priorities have changed. I'm calmer than I used to be, and most of my attention is focused on our kids. I'm tired of the constant arguing, but I know he enjoys it. Please help me find a common ground with my husband. -- NO FIGHT LEFT IN ME

DEAR NO FIGHT: Some couples enjoy contention as a form of foreplay. If you haven't told your husband what you have related to me, it is important that you do. Since "debating" has been an established pattern in your marital relationship, you may need a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you get your message across, because your husband may have difficulty adjusting to the change in how you communicate.

DEAR ABBY: I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my oldest brother (six years my senior) from ages 6 to 11. As soon as I could verbalize what was happening, I went to my parents and told them. They believed me, but swept it under the rug and didn't provide any kind of therapy or treatment for either of us.

At 15, I had a mental breakdown. After that, I said, "It's not like I will ever forget what he did to me." My mother finally decided to get me a therapist. Through years of therapy (I'm 25 now) I found healing, grace and forgiveness, but I feel that is for me to know and no one else's business.

Even though my parents know exactly what my brother did, they continue trying to mend our relationship, although I have expressed that I never want to have a relationship with him again.

My brother is now engaged to a woman he's been with for four years. She has met everyone in my family except me. She has never reached out to me, which I find odd. I know my brother hasn't given her the whole truth about what he did to me as a child because he still tries to downplay it.

If I were being married to someone and had met every member of their family except their only sister, I'd be suspicious and would want to know why. Should I send his fiancee an anonymous letter giving her all the details? -- VICTIMIZED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR VICTIMIZED: If you send your brother's fiancee an anonymous letter, she could construe it as "someone," possibly an old girlfriend, trying to break them up. Between you and me, I do think someone should warn her about her fiance's history. If you are willing to risk doing it, your family is sure to be very upset. However, if you are determined to send that letter, you should have the courage to sign your name.

DEAR ABBY: My mom is getting remarried at the age of 84 to a man who is 83 and has never been married. They got engaged after dating for six months. I think it's unwise, but I want her to be happy, so I will go to the wedding.

She asked her best friend to be her maid of honor, and then asked my brother to be best man because her fiance didn't have anybody who would do it. I expressed my frustration that she asked him to be best man and not me to be her maid of honor. Now she wants me to be the maid of honor, but I really don't want to do it because I'm not in favor of the marriage.

Looking back, I should've kept my mouth shut about my frustration. Should I do it out of love and respect for Mom, or hold my ground because I really think it's a bad idea? I don't want to be her maid of honor for so many reasons. -- INDECISIVE IN INDIANA

DEAR INDECISIVE: You were outspoken regarding your reservations about the wedding, which is likely why your mother asked her best friend to do it. She has now invited you to be her maid of honor because you told her you felt left out.

Whether you support your mother's decision to marry this man or not, the wedding is going to happen. Unless you intend to find yourself increasingly distanced in the months and years to come, accompany your mom to the altar, wish her well and cross your fingers.

DEAR ABBY: I appreciate you offering your booklet "How to Be Popular" to people who are uncomfortable or uncertain in social situations. I don't know if the following tips are included, but here's what I do: When I meet someone for the first time, I say, "Tell me three things about yourself that you would like to share." As I listen to the response, I think of the "W" words -- who, what, when, where and why. Then, for elaboration, I ask one of those questions, or perhaps more, a few minutes later. I hope these suggestions are helpful. -- BOB W. IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR BOB: Showing an interest in others is generally a good idea. However, some people might find your direct approach intimidating if it's a conversation starter with no preamble. Asking who, what, when, where and why can be useful in conversation, as it also is when writing a news article.

Making social conversation doesn't come naturally to everyone. Few individuals are adept at it because they are so focused on their own insecurities that it distracts them from reaching out. It can, however, be practiced and polished until it becomes second nature.

My booklet "How To Be Popular" contains many useful tips for accomplishing this. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. It is meant for people of all ages and covers a variety of situations.

The keys to being socially successful are: Be kind. Be honest. Be tactful. Offer a compliment if you think it is deserved. Be a good listener, and people will think you are a genius. (It's true!) And remember, a smile is an excellent icebreaker because it puts those around you at ease.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s. My mom and dad will soon have been married for 30 years. I accidentally found evidence recently that Mom is having an extramarital affair. When I confronted her, she said I should go to therapy to help deal with my overreaction to her "doing something I don't like." She totally ignored the fact that it's not just a minor thing that I'm upset about, but something wrong, immoral, hurtful and disrespectful to my dad, my brother and me.

Mom and I were very close, but this has ruined our relationship. I feel like she is putting reconciliation all on me, which feels unfair. What do I do? -- THROWN IN MARYLAND

DEAR THROWN: I am sure that what you discovered was a shock. However, you know nothing about the reason(s) your mother may be having an extramarital affair and whether your father knows about it. What's going on has nothing to do with you and your brother. Please take your mother's advice. Discuss this mess and your feelings about it with a licensed family therapist, and you may gain some insight.