DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years ago, I had a mental breakdown. For the first three years afterward, my husband stood by me. The medications I was prescribed caused me to gain more than 100 pounds. I have tried diets, to no avail. I suggested to him that maybe we could hold each other and see where it led us. His reply was, "I'm no longer attracted to you. You knew when we married that I wasn't attracted to larger (fat) women." Since then, I no longer respect or value him. He has his room, and I have mine on the other side of the house. We do absolutely nothing together.

When he comes to my bedroom, he doesn't knock. When I need to go through his room, I always knock. He said, "This is my house, too, and I don't knock." I can't stand his arrogant ways. I still have to pretend we are married, but I don't feel it. He calls me "baby." I have expressed that I have no interest in pretending and have asked him to stop calling me that.

I'm on a fixed income. All of my retirement money is invested in this home and property. I pay all the bills. We haven't had sex in 14 years. I'm lonely for male companionship. I don't know how much longer I can live this way, even though he didn't leave when I really needed him. Please advise. -- NUMB IN ALABAMA

DEAR NUMB: It has been 17 years since you were prescribed the medications you have been taking, and there may have been improvements made in the intervening years. Contact the doctor who prescribed them and ask whether there is something newer that would allow you to lose some of the weight you haven't been able to lose. It may help if you explain what those meds have done to the state of your marriage.

If adjusting your medication is not possible, you will have to decide how important male companionship is to you, because you may have to find it elsewhere. Consult an attorney and ask what you would wind up with if the house were sold and the money was split. After that, you may be in a better position to explore your options.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20-plus years had two kids with his first wife. (I have none.) One of his kids, who answers no voicemails, emails or texts from us, now has two kids under age 5 from his own second marriage. They live less than an hour away. My husband and I saw the younger child once, almost a year ago. It was the last time we saw my husband's son and his kids. My husband has seen his grandkids less than four times in four years. Have you any suggestions on how to repair this emotional cutoff? -- UNWORTHY IN MARYLAND

DEAR UNWORTHY: Has your husband told his son that he would like to have a closer relationship with him and his family? When exactly did this estrangement begin? Do you know what caused it? Once you have the answers to those questions, if apologies are in order, your husband should offer them verbally, in writing or in person. The ball will then be in your stepson's court.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 27 years with two kids. My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14 but said it wasn't violent. She also said she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16. We had discussed our past prior to marriage, and these things weren't mentioned. If they had been, I wouldn't have married her.

I have a hard time even looking at her now. I feel like telling her I want a divorce, but I'm looking for a second opinion about what I should do. Am I being ridiculous for wanting a divorce over things that happened 35 years ago? -- THROWN IN MISSOURI

DEAR THROWN: Consent laws can be confusing and can change over time, and a lot may depend on the age of each partner. However, rape is rape. When your wife was 15 and 16 an adult may also have been breaking the law by having sex with her, even consensually. After all this, she might have benefitted from counseling (if any was offered).

Your wife may not have previously discussed this because she was afraid your reaction would be as over the top as it has been. Before you decide to divorce her for being victimized as a teenager, I urge you to consult a licensed therapist either alone or with her. If you do, it will give you better perspective.

DEAR ABBY: My first real adult love was a woman named "Sasha." We had a whirlwind romance in the mid-'80s. At the time, I thought she was The One. The romance ended when she told me she was married. The last time I saw her was with her husband at a nightclub in the '80s.

I moved on and married someone else in 1990. I do, however, think about Sasha sometimes. I don't remember her married last name, so I can't locate her. My wife thinks it's insane that I would want to talk with Sasha. I want to ask her if our relationship was real and if she loved me. When traveling in the area where I met Sasha, I would look at people to see if I might run into her. Do you think I'm crazy to want to have just one conversation with Sasha? -- BITTERSWEET IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BITTERSWEET: It has been 40 years since your whirlwind romance with Sasha. What was a whirlwind romance for you may have been a fling for her. She should have told you from the beginning that she was married, but she didn't, which leads me to think she didn't love you. People who love each other try to protect each other. Which leads me to your question. No, I don't think you are insane, but I do think it's time you stopped trying to revisit the past.

TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sundown. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you who observe -- may your fast be a meaningful one. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I own a lake cabin and enjoy hosting friends and relatives. Even though I don't have a pet myself, I like animals and don't mind if people ask to bring their dogs, because the ground floor is linoleum that's easy to clean when the inevitable sand and water get tracked in.

Last year, I invited my niece and her husband to spend the weekend, and they showed up with their large, long-haired dog. Even though they hadn't asked in advance, I didn't have a problem with it until it was time to go to bed. They brought their dog to bed with them in the upstairs guest room. I was so surprised I didn't know what to say.

Dogs have never gone upstairs before, much less rolled around in the bed. They have either slept downstairs on their own, or their owners brought crates or had the dogs sleep in their cars. After the couple left, I had to deep-clean the room to remove the dog hair, including dusting, vacuuming (it is carpeted) and washing all the bed linens (comforter, shams, throws, etc.). I usually just spiff up the room and change the sheets in preparation for the next visitors.

Abby, this couple is coming to the cabin again, and I assume they still have the dog. Should I broach the subject, after setting a precedent during their last visit, or resign myself to the extra cleaning? My relationship with this niece is cordial but slightly strained due to some past family history, so what's more important -- relationships or a clean room? -- CABIN HOST IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HOST: They are both important. You can clean up a room, but you can't repair a severed relationship as easily. That said, avoid this dilemma in the future by explaining your house rules to your niece BEFORE she, her husband and her dog come to the cabin again. Ideally, it should have been done when you and your niece discussed her visiting a second time.

DEAR ABBY: A friendship of 40 years has fallen apart because he refuses to stand up for himself to his wife. She has dominated him throughout their many decades of marriage. Like any narcissist, she managed to isolate him from his family and move him to remote places where he knew no one. Now she is terminally ill and refusing to allow him to move where his family could help him care for her.

His family and I feel the same. Like any narcissist, she has also turned him against me. Along the way, they have made terrible and troubling financial decisions. It is too painful to watch, so I've withdrawn from the friendship rather than support these bad decisions. Was that the right thing to do? -- FORMER FRIEND IN IOWA

DEAR FORMER FRIEND: Yes, it was the right thing to do. Because your friend's wife still controls who may be in contact with her husband, even in her weakened condition, you had little choice but to step back. Once she passes, offer support to him. He is going to need it.