DEAR ABBY: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a brief fight with cancer. Her daughter, my niece, was scheduled to be married later this year. They struggle with finances, and my brother-in-law's death exacerbated the situation. In order to help out, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 to put toward my niece's shower so they could have it at a nice place. My sister was appreciative, but we unfortunately heard nothing from my niece.

Fast-forward a couple months, and the wedding is now called off. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and have told me they have booked another. There has been no mention about returning our $1,000. My wife is becoming increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will create a family feud. While I agree the money should be returned, I am inclined to just write it off rather than stir up a mess. I would love to hear your perspective. -- GENEROUS IN THE EAST

DEAR GENEROUS: My perspective is that where your sister and her daughter are concerned, you should firmly close your wallet. The money is gone, and you are right that raising the issue will cause ill will. Your generosity should have been acknowledged, and when the wedding was called off, your money should have been returned rather than applied to a mother/daughter vacation. If your niece does manage to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a "wedding gift."

DEAR ABBY: Our family is having its first reunion since my mother and father have been gone. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My older brothers are planning the event. They are inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three nephews' exes. This is upsetting to me and my wife of 20 years.

I feel strongly that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce "out" of the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and have shunned my present wife.

Should we be upset about the invitation? Should we not attend if my ex comes? One brother says she is still "part of the family" and should be included. My wife and I are furious. Who is right here? -- PARTY POOPER IN IOWA

DEAR PARTY POOPER: Did your parents include your former wife at previous family reunions? If they did, I can understand why she would be welcomed at this one. However, if they did not, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your siblings' wives have shunned your wife of 20 years.

That said, not all divorces are the same. Some former couples manage an amicable severance, and you cannot and should not dictate who your relatives choose to maintain relationships with. If you and your wife would feel more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn't blame you.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, "Sid," was a young adult, his mother died by suicide. A few years later, when his maternal grandparents died, his mother's two siblings inherited his grandparents' estate. Other family members have commented that it seemed wrong for Sid and his sister to be disinherited from their mother's share of the estate. Because Sid and his sister were young adults, they didn't have enough confidence or support to question their aunt and uncle. Their father was out of the picture.

Forty years later, this is still a source of pain for Sid and his sister. They feel they were intentionally disinherited, while their closest relatives act like nothing is wrong. Is there a way to approach the family to resolve this pain? -- SAD FOR SID IN NEVADA

DEAR SAD: I strongly suspect that that ship sailed 40 years ago. However, I am not a lawyer. Your husband and his sister should ask an attorney who specializes in wills, estates and trusts this question to see what exactly happened back then and if anything can be done now to change it.

DEAR ABBY: I will turn 18 in six months. I know I should be happy, but to be completely honest with you, I'm scared to become an adult. I don't feel I'm ready to grow up and leave my childhood behind. What should I do? What can I do? -- UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY

DEAR UNHAPPY: What, precisely, are you afraid of? All people do not mature at the same rate. It takes some individuals until they are well over the age of 21 to assume the responsibilities of being an adult. Others are ready at 18, provided they have already been given some responsibilities by their parents. The insecurities you are experiencing are things you should be talking about with them. You might also discuss this with a trusted teacher or counselor at school. If you do, you may realize that you are far from alone in the feelings you are having.

DEAR ABBY: I have been unlucky in love ever since I started dating, and I'm feeling like I just can't put myself out there again. My last relationship looked promising -- I even saw a wedding on the horizon -- but my partner cheated on me, and it all fell apart. Now I'm scared. This is just the latest in a long string of bad relationships. How can I keep dating if I'm feeling so hopeless? Am I just not cut out for the "married with 2.5 kids" life? -- FAILURE IN OREGON

DEAR FAILURE: Considering your mindset, I'm not sure you should be dating right now. Your time might be better spent trying to figure out what went wrong in each of those failed relationships, because your problem may not be the kind of men you are attracting, but those you are attracted to.

If there are common denominators among those men in your past, it would benefit you to recognize what they are so you won't be hurt again. In the meantime, occupy yourself with friends and activities you enjoy. It's an effective way to combat depression, and it may also give you an opportunity to make some new acquaintances.

DEAR ABBY: I had a five-year relationship with a man. We broke up because he was unfaithful. Even though I'm willing to forgive and still have feelings for him, my kids don't like this man and don't want me to reconnect with him. My children say that if I do, they no longer want to have a relationship with me.

Their ultimatum doesn't seem fair. I'm afraid I won't fall in love again, and I don't want to be alone later in life. Should I respect my kids' wishes and forgo a relationship with him, or should I seek outside guidance and counseling to see if we can try to be a family, like we had planned originally? I really feel he's the love of my life. No one's perfect. I'm willing to give it another chance, but I want my kids to accept him. I don't know how or if they ever will. What should I do? -- LEANING TOWARD IT IN TEXAS

DEAR LEANING: Fear is the absolute worst reason for a couple to reunite. Your relationship didn't work out because he is a cheater. What makes you think this time would be different? There are worse things than being older and alone. There is no guarantee you wouldn't meet someone and fall in love.

Your children dislike this man for a reason. You ask if you should seek outside guidance and counseling. Speaking as the first person you have asked, I'm all in favor of it. Your doctor can refer you to someone qualified.

DEAR ABBY: I have warm memories of Christmas from when I was a child. I didn't start disliking it until I was married to my second husband. My parents grew old, and we celebrated their last Christmas together. They passed several years ago. After that, I really disliked the season and all the crap that went with it. I have tried to like it over the last few years, and did all the holiday stuff. I sent out cards, baked cookies, decorated, bought presents -- even went to church.

Last Christmas Eve, I just "snapped." I couldn't take it anymore. I took down most of the decorations because I could no longer look at them. I'm not well, and my boyfriend has been sick off and on. He likes Christmas, so I will put some stuff back up for him, not for myself. Why do I dislike Christmas so much? It's such a pain in the butt. Maybe you can help me understand my feelings. -- SCROOGE IN INDIANA

DEAR SCROOGE: Your change in attitude may have been caused by two things. The first would be that, in your mind, Christmas is linked to the loss of your parents and to a chapter of your life that is now closed. The other might have been caused by the incessant hype and merchandising surrounding Christmas that starts right after Halloween. It may be time to scale back and ask your boyfriend to help by celebrating the meaning of Christmas, instead of the trappings. Helping someone -- or a family -- less fortunate comes to mind.