DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a couple for 30 years. Both are alcoholics. They function, work at farmers' markets, are sociable, have a house and pay their bills. Yet, at least once, maybe twice a month, they get totally wasted and the wife calls me and rambles on incoherently. I suspect they get drunk even more frequently, but, thankfully, I don't get a call every time they are on a binge.

I have been in terrible relationships in which I drank too much to numb myself. Thankfully, I have been out of such toxicity for years. But I'm having increasing difficulty dealing with these drunken phone calls. I suspect I'm the only person my friend calls because she knows few others would understand her slurred babble. I'm weary from these calls. How do I deflect them? -- TIRED EAR IN ARIZONA

DEAR TIRED EAR: Put an end to those calls by being frank with your friend about the effect they have on you. Do this while she is sober. Tell her you do not want her calling you after she has been drinking because her speech is so slurred that you can't understand what she's saying. Say if it happens again you will hang up the phone, and if it does, follow through. Let her calls go to voicemail. If you would like to maintain any sort of relationship with this couple, see them socially only when they are (reasonably) sober.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, my immigrant grandparents brought back hand-knit sweaters from Ireland, the country in which they were born, for everyone in our family. I cherish mine and take care of it, even though I've outgrown it.

Years later, a close friend asked to borrow this sweater for her neighbor's child, who needed "something Irish" for a show-and-tell event at school. The kids were asked to bring items that had to do with Ireland. When I refused to loan my heirloom sweater, my friend told me she'd already promised her neighbor she could borrow it. She became very angry, accused me of being selfish and hasn't spoken to me for a couple months.

We live in the same town, so I run into her sometimes. She's cordial but distant and clearly still upset with me. Bear in mind that I hardly know my friend's neighbor -- the one who wanted to borrow my sweater for her child. But even if I did, I wouldn't loan this heirloom to anyone. Was I wrong? -- SENTIMENTAL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: You were neither selfish nor wrong! Your "friend" was out of line. She should never have promised anyone the use of property that wasn't hers. And for her to ice you now for refusing to give it to her and risk that something so precious to you could be damaged is plenty nervy. My advice is to follow her example. Be cordial but distant, and do not permit her to make you the bad guy for saying no.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in an open relationship with my partner. We both enjoy hooking up with other people, but only if we agree on the person. It was going great; I still got my one-on-one time with my partner. But now it seems that instead of making love with just me, the only time he wants to touch me is if someone else comes over. What's the best way to approach him about it? Should I suggest we stop inviting people over for that type of fun? -- ADVENTUROUS LADY

DEAR LADY: Your partner appears to have lost interest in one-on-one intimacy. If that's the case, you need for him to own up so you can adjust your life accordingly. Healthy relationships, open or closed, involve honest communication. If you are unhappy with the way your relationship has devolved, you have every right to say so.

DEAR ABBY: I am 58 and a recovering addict. I used drugs and alcohol for 30-plus years, and now I have 20 months clean, thank God. Throughout my addiction, I had a friend who was my strong supporter. I always regarded him as a friend, since he was there when I was actively addicted.

Now that I'm clean, he wants to step it up and go from friends to a relationship. Yes, I care for him, but he wants to get married without first getting to know the real me. He's a hard worker who doesn't drink or smoke. He just works and comes home. He's just the type of man I've been looking for. Please advise me on what I should do. -- CLEAN AND SOBER IN FLORIDA

DEAR CLEAN AND SOBER: Your statement that this man wants to get married without first getting to know the real (I assume you mean sober) you speaks volumes to me. It tells me you are making mature, well-thought-out judgments, for which I congratulate you. He may be just the type you are looking for, but postpone marriage until you are certain that he knows and can accept the new strong and sober you.

DEAR ABBY: We have vegetarian and vegan friends. Over the years, when we have invited them over for a celebration, we (omnivores) always make sure to include dishes that they will enjoy. But when they invite guests for dinner, they never -- ever -- include a meat dish, not even a piece of chicken.

I have asked around and, apparently, that's the experience of everyone. Don't you think a little reciprocity is in order? As it is, the hospitality rule seems decidedly one-sided. If the vegans worry about (to them) inedible leftovers, they can always provide a doggy bag for their guests. -- ONE-SIDED IN THE WEST

DEAR ONE-SIDED: Please consider this your wake-up call. Many vegans and vegetarians do not want meat, chicken or fish in their kitchens. If, in addition to what they provide, you feel the need to consume animal protein, consume some before you go to their home or afterward. If this does not suit you, respond to their invitation with polite regrets.

DEAR ABBY: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a brief fight with cancer. Her daughter, my niece, was scheduled to be married later this year. They struggle with finances, and my brother-in-law's death exacerbated the situation. In order to help out, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 to put toward my niece's shower so they could have it at a nice place. My sister was appreciative, but we unfortunately heard nothing from my niece.

Fast-forward a couple months, and the wedding is now called off. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and have told me they have booked another. There has been no mention about returning our $1,000. My wife is becoming increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will create a family feud. While I agree the money should be returned, I am inclined to just write it off rather than stir up a mess. I would love to hear your perspective. -- GENEROUS IN THE EAST

DEAR GENEROUS: My perspective is that where your sister and her daughter are concerned, you should firmly close your wallet. The money is gone, and you are right that raising the issue will cause ill will. Your generosity should have been acknowledged, and when the wedding was called off, your money should have been returned rather than applied to a mother/daughter vacation. If your niece does manage to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a "wedding gift."

DEAR ABBY: Our family is having its first reunion since my mother and father have been gone. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My older brothers are planning the event. They are inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three nephews' exes. This is upsetting to me and my wife of 20 years.

I feel strongly that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce "out" of the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and have shunned my present wife.

Should we be upset about the invitation? Should we not attend if my ex comes? One brother says she is still "part of the family" and should be included. My wife and I are furious. Who is right here? -- PARTY POOPER IN IOWA

DEAR PARTY POOPER: Did your parents include your former wife at previous family reunions? If they did, I can understand why she would be welcomed at this one. However, if they did not, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your siblings' wives have shunned your wife of 20 years.

That said, not all divorces are the same. Some former couples manage an amicable severance, and you cannot and should not dictate who your relatives choose to maintain relationships with. If you and your wife would feel more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn't blame you.