DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 30s; my husband is 46. We have been married three years. He has a 24-year-old daughter, "Kiki." Kiki has always been spoiled and catered to; she learned how to lie and manipulate during her childhood.

I have tried to help her because I believed his family when they said she's trying to get it together. Kiki has a DUI, and she got evicted when her parents asked her to pay her own rent, rather than having them pay. They give her cars, but she wrecks them and then leaves them on the side of the road.

We have a 3-week-old baby and a mortgage. I don't think his daughter should still be in our budget, but my husband can't say no to giving her money. Kiki is a habitual liar and user. She can't pay for gas because she buys weed and alcohol instead, confident that everyone else will pay when her utilities get shut off.

I don't think it's fair for us to pay her way. Is 24 young enough to still need this much help? My husband is very defensive about it. -- USED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR USED: Considering this troubled young woman's history, your husband has made a big mistake by fostering her dependence on him. Independence is something she may have to learn in increments. Your husband should sit down with Kiki and explain that he loves her, but she must now find work to support herself, and that he will help -- for a set period of time -- as she adjusts to shouldering responsibility for herself.

If he is still paying her rent, there should be a firm cutoff point. No more cars, because she's a danger on the road. She can use public transportation. And if there are any more problems because of her substance abuse, all bets will be off. The time to draw the line is now.

DEAR ABBY: I am in an online group with neighbors, but I have not been able to get out and meet some newer members in person. One person signs their posts in a language I don't recognize, and I was wondering if there is a polite way to ask them how to pronounce their name and what language it is. There doesn't seem to be a way to broach the subject without seeming negative.

Also, when I hear people in my local store speak another language, I am curious because I am semi-fluent in three languages and interested in learning more, but again, what is a polite way to ask? -- WONDERING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WONDERING: If you have the slightest concern about asking your neighbors how to pronounce their name and what language it is, then don't do it online. Ask another neighbor or wait until you can meet the person face-to-face.

When you are out and about and hear a language you don't recognize, smile at the people, say that you speak three languages, like the way theirs sounds and ask what it is because you might like to learn it. If the question is asked in a friendly way, most people will answer in the same vein. (I did this at a supermarket recently. The answer was they came from Indonesia and were speaking Malay.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old woman who seems to be the go-to person in my family to figure things out. Due to my stepmom not feeling comfortable enough with her English and my striving to win her approval, I made sure to take care of the things she couldn't from an early age. The problem is, while I used to be proud of myself for always being able to figure things out, I no longer feel that way.

There are five siblings in total. We are all adults now, but my stepmom seems to come only to me to solve any issues she has. If anyone does offer her assistance, she'll say something like, "That's fine, but I'll just ask your sister instead." I understand this may be my fault because of my incessant need to please her.

Lately, however, I've been struggling more and more with feeling used, as if my worth is dependent only on what I can do for her. Is there a way to change her expectations without having to tell her outright how I feel? -- TOO HELPFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TOO HELPFUL: You might find it easier to start by being less available when your stepmother has a "honey-do." She may be shocked and not like it, so be prepared when you tell her to ask one of your siblings. The alternative is to be completely upfront with her about your feelings, including the fact that you feel she values you only because of what she perceives you can do for her.

Being the only "adult" in the family is a terrible burden to be placed on a child, which appears to be what has happened to you. I knew someone like this. Like you, he was the designated problem-solver in the family. Sadly, no one was grateful for his efforts. Instead, they not only took advantage of him, but also resented him for it.

Call a halt to this scenario before you start to seriously dislike your "helpless" stepmom.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a walker, and I'd like to know, is there a rule regarding passing an oncoming walker? I tend to stay on my right as though I were driving a car, but the occasional walker seems insistent upon staying on their left.

Also, a shoutout to your readers: Sidewalks are for pedestrians, so please don't park your vehicles, lawn mowers, lawn equipment, home maintenance/repair equipment, etc. on them. While it's easy for me to maneuver around them, it isn't easy for small children on bikes or individuals using wheelchairs or pushing strollers. -- STROLLING IN FLORIDA

DEAR STROLLING: The etiquette for pedestrians is the same as that for drivers in all 50 states: Keep to the right side of the "road." Also, people who ride scooters and bicycles on the sidewalk are a danger to pedestrians. In many communities, there may be ordinances to discourage parking equipment on sidewalks. If the arrangement is semi-permanent, visit your city hall website to determine to which department the violation(s) should be reported.

DEAR ABBY: My elementary school teacher passed away recently. I hadn't seen her in more than 20 years because of how she made me feel. I remember her as manipulative and having a negative attitude toward the less fortunate. Because I didn't come from a rich or prominent family, I was subjected to humiliation, fear and intimidation. I remember her as money-driven, judgmental and favoring the privileged, who she believed to be smarter.

Because I had dyslexia, I had difficulties reading and interpreting words, so she made me stand and face shame for hours. Now that she is dead, I realize I never had the chance to tell her how wrong she was, and that in middle school my negative attitude toward education changed for the better because I had excellent teachers and great classmates.

Those individuals who are eulogizing her now are the same ones she promoted and favored. I just wish I could speak my piece because many were mistreated. -- SCARRED IN TEXAS

DEAR SCARRED: I think you have stated your feelings very well. This teacher may not have recognized she had a student with a learning disability and punished you when she should have realized instead that what you needed to succeed was extra help. Consider her inability to deal with it properly her learning disability, and try to forgive her. You have turned out very well despite her, and it is time to evict her from your head.

DEAR ABBY: Is there any way I can help my 55-year-old daughter, who has just embarked upon yet another no-doubt doomed relationship? She is quick to cohabit with these men, usually after less than two months. Then my daughter reinvents herself to appeal to his ideal. Each time the relationships have ended, it has come at great cost to her and negatively impacted her now-grown kids.

Through all of this, my daughter has remained employed, though four years is a long time in one position. I'm afraid the latest move will limit her employment options once the work-from-home trend has softened. Is this like dealing with a drug addict or an alcoholic who must realize on their own to seek help? This roller coaster has taken its toll on me, too. -- MOM ON THE SIDELINES

DEAR MOM: You can talk until you are blue in the face -- and I am assuming that you have tried more than once -- to get your middle-aged daughter to realize that what she has been doing hasn't worked for her. She is not an "addict," but she is desperate to find a partner.

When your daughter finally realizes that she doesn't have to twist herself into a pretzel to please a man, and that she's fine just the way she is -- a successful parent, self-supporting and worthwhile on her own -- she not only may feel better about herself, but also have better luck in finding a partner.