DEAR ABBY: I have been with the same man for three years, and we have been engaged for a year. I love him with all my heart, but I just learned through a phone call that he has been fooling around with men from the internet. I have also seen some messages in his email.

Does this mean he is bi and never told me? I don't know what to do. Please help me before I make a mistake. -- HURTING IN LOVE

DEAR HURTING: What this means is your fiance is either bisexual or gay. For both your sakes, tell him you know what has been going on, because if he's unfaithful now, marriage vows won't change him. Ask your doctor to test you for STDs, and then call off the wedding so you can find a mate who will be faithful -- and he can find a relationship in which he can truly be himself.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married seven years. It's the second marriage for both of us. We have a good relationship and love each other. I told her before we were married that, while I like animals, I do not want a pet. She's an animal lover and is now pressuring me to get a small dog. She's hoping I will change my position, but I will not.

She told me this morning that she might have to leave me and find someone who wants a pet. I told her I understand and will accept her decision. Now I need guidance because I realize that a dog is more important to her than our relationship. Please help. -- ANNOYED IN INDIANA

DEAR ANNOYED: I wish you would have stated why you feel so strongly about not having a (small) dog in your home. You and your wife need more mediation than I can offer in a letter. A marriage counselor may be able to help you to communicate with each other more effectively than you have been. For her to have given you a semi-ultimatum was wrong, but it indicates to me that you two may have more problems to resolve than whether to get a dog.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons live in Australia because of our son-in-law's job. One grandson will be bar mitzvahed soon, and our daughter is asking us to send her a list of our friends so she can send them invitations. Because going to Australia is such a long and expensive trip, we are quite sure that none of our friends will attend and will regard the invitation as a request for a gift. Should we send her the list she's requesting? -- CONFUSED GRANDPARENTS

DEAR GRANDPARENTS: I am against sending an invitation to anyone who isn't a close relative for the reason you stated. Because of the distance, it will seem like a bid for gifts or money. A diplomatic way of conveying the news of your grandson's rite of passage would be to share it verbally with friends -- who can then volunteer that they would like to send the boy something. Perhaps the feedback you receive can shape the invitation list.

DEAR ABBY: I've recently discovered that my mother-in-law has two life insurance policies on me, neither of which I knew about, and one of which is close to 20 years old. I never asked nor authorized her to take out these policies, and I am very concerned.

We do not have a good relationship. She isn't welcome in my life or our home because she is disrespectful and meddlesome. My husband has very little to do with her but doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that she took it upon herself to get these policies. Because she sells insurance, she makes it seem like it's no big deal, but it is to me.

I have my own insurance and have for all of my adult life (I am nearing 50), and I'm appalled at the idea of her collecting a payout from my demise. She has never provided us a copy of the policies, nor do we know who the beneficiaries are. In fact, we know of their existence only because she let it slip in a conversation when we told her that because she is so rude and disrespectful, we are limiting our contact with her.

Am I crazy, or are my concerns justified? Is it even legal for her to have these? Why is she wagering on my dying before her? -- LIFE INSURED IN NEVADA

DEAR LIFE INSURED: You have my sympathy. Your mother-in-law appears to be a handful. Discuss this with your own insurance agent. Explain what you have learned and ask whether what your mother-in-law has done is legal, because it may not be. That she is in the insurance business makes this even worse. That you became aware of this information during an "unpleasant" conversation strikes me as possible retaliation for telling her something she didn't want to hear. She may even be lying about it.

Your insurance agent can explain what remedies can be taken to correct this if it is true. If she is a licensed broker who has done something illegal, she could lose her license.

DEAR ABBY: I have been alienated from my daughter, "Bonnie," for 30 years. Her mother and I divorced, and I remarried. Bonnie was in her late teens and early 20s at the time. For a time, she lived with me, my new wife and my wife's daughter. Bonnie was an absolute "queen" and thought we should defer to her every wish. She offered no help around the house and paid no rent.

I finally asked her to leave. It was either get her out of the house or lose my new wife. Later, Bonnie married and asked me to come to her wedding, but not bring my wife. I told her, "Sorry, I won't be there." She was angry at me for it and still is, according to her brother.

I have written her off but have been encouraged by a friend to try and reconnect with her. I think Bonnie has a grudge, and it would be useless to attempt reconciliation and open myself up to more pain from being around her. I think she's stuck in what happened 30 years ago and isn't about to let go. Your opinion, please? -- DEJECTED DAD IN OREGON

DEAR DAD: Has this friend or Bonnie's brother given you any impression that Bonnie would like to reconcile with you and your wife? If the answer is yes, give it a try. If not, let sleeping dogs lie.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a beautiful soon-to-be 2- year-old daughter. Before her birth, my parents and his all were eagerly awaiting her arrival and discussing their plans for what life as new grandparents would be. We just "knew" they would be involved so much it would drive us crazy. Instead, it's the opposite!

My parents work 40-plus hours a week and care for my 5-year-old half-brother, who was recently diagnosed with autism. Naturally, I have to cut them some slack. His parents, on the other hand, aren't workaholics. They spend their time doing things like spending a couple of weeks on the lake, taking scuba lessons and participating in a quilting club. They tell us about their fun, then ask how our daughter is. (They haven't seen her in weeks.)

I know the role of a grandparent has changed. They are getting a taste of freedom from raising children. However, they are not free child care to me. They are my family, and I wanted to see all those plans they had for her before she was born realized.

I am writing this because my parents have just announced they won't be able to get off work for her birthday party. They knew it was coming, and I know it was possible for them to plan a work around for the party. I'm heartbroken.

I feel like we are raising our daughter all alone, with no help from family. I'm angry that they are missing out on this wonderful little person and consider other things more important than their grandchild. Am I holding too high a standard for them? Is it wrong that I'm miffed at this? -- ALONE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ALONE: Feelings are neither right nor wrong. I won't judge you for having them. But ask yourself whether your anger is useful or a detriment to your relationship with your parents and in-laws. Your parents are caring for a child with disabilities, in addition to their full-time jobs. Resenting them for not attending a 2-year-old's birthday party is a waste of your energy.

Your in-laws, regardless of what they said during your pregnancy, appear to be more centered on themselves than on their grandchild. Regrettable? Yes. But rather than dwell on it, accept it for what it is and move on.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He made a resolution to go on a diet and cut out sweets. However, I have noticed that my chocolates have been going missing. We live alone, and I'm not sure whether to call him out to help keep him accountable or remain quiet in order to keep the peace. -- WELL-MEANING WIFE

DEAR WIFE: OK, so your husband took the pledge and seems to have lapsed. My question is, is he still losing weight, or has he hit a plateau? If he's losing -- albeit more slowly, look the other way. If he isn't, then "casually" comment (with a smile) that your chocolates seem to be disappearing faster than you can consume them, but do NOT assume the role of the food police.