DEAR ABBY: I was with my ex-fiance for 13 years. Not long after he broke up with me, I found myself going to meet him at a hotel. We have been seeing each other regularly, once a week at least. We go out and enjoy our time together like we are dating.

The frustrating thing is, he doesn't want to let me know where he lives. He says it's a comfort thing for him to have "just his space." It has been a year and a half since our breakup. Anytime I ask about our situation, he says he doesn't know what he wants.

All of the things he does for me show he loves and cares about me. It feels like we are in this weird limbo, almost like he's stringing me along because he doesn't say if he ever wants to get back together. He says, "Why can't you just enjoy what we're doing?" I want more with him and better than we had before.

We were in a bad place before, and I didn't treat him well. I was going through things and took it out on him. In our time apart, no longer being a couple, I have worked on myself to become a happier and healthier person and have gotten my life in order. I love him very much, and I am hoping for more. Any advice? -- SITUATIONSHIP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SITUATIONSHIP: When a person is secretive, they usually have something to hide. Because your not-quite-ex refuses to give you his address (after a year and a half!), it's likely he has someone living there with him. Before your engagement ended, you demonstrated that you could be abusive when you were stressed. That he doesn't want to risk another round of that is understandable.

From what you have written, he's enjoying things just the way they are. He doesn't want more. Because you do, you will have to find someone who can give you the future you're looking for.

DEAR ABBY: I am a straight male who likes wearing ladies' biker shorts under my shorts and pants. In the winter, I love wearing ladies' leggings and stockings because they keep my legs warm. I also love the way they feel. No one knows about me doing this. I've been in a relationship for many years, and my girlfriend doesn't know. Is it OK to wear these items? -- SECRETIVE IN NEW YORK

DEAR SECRETIVE: From your description, you are what is defined as an undercover cross-dresser. By doing this, you are hurting no one. You are far from the only man who enjoys it. Yes, it's OK to continue as you have been doing.

DEAR ABBY: I have a brother-in-law who, when he gives a hello or goodbye hug, wants to give a kiss on the lips. My wife doesn't want the kiss and turns her head away. He then proceeds to kiss her on the cheek, which she doesn't want either, especially when it's an open-mouth slobber. He does this with other sisters-in-law, and most of them turn their heads when he comes running with the pucker. How can we approach this situation without hurting his feelings or embarrassing him? -- SMOOCHED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SMOOCHED: May it be frank? People who are so insensitive that they fail to recognize when a kiss is unwanted NEED to be told directly that it is a turnoff. If that "embarrasses" the kisser, so be it. (Yuck!)

DEAR ABBY: "Looking Out for Mom in Chicago" (Aug. 16) was concerned that 69-year-old Mom wasn't getting out and socializing now that she has moved closer to them, and worried they'll be her only support as she ages. They also said she's always been shy.

As a nearly 70-year-old introvert, I understand how their mom feels. Moving to a new place with no friends isn't exactly a bad thing when you're introverted. I get all the socializing I need when I go to town to shop and talk with familiar clerks.

To force an introvert into situations they aren't familiar with is stressful on the person. It's a terribly uncomfortable situation. People need to realize that there are folks out there who really are fine in their own company. -- CATHY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CATHY: Thank you for lending your insight. Other readers who have "been there" also shared their experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a social worker who has worked with elders for years, I guarantee that "Looking's" mom will not respond well to, nor comply with, being told she "must" make friends and interact with others. She may be grieving the loss of her friends back home, her previous faith community and more. She may need time to reconcile all of this. If she's active, staying healthy and taking care of herself, let her decide when she's ready to reach out and broaden her circle.

Friendships and social activities can't be forced. They occur organically. Rather than her son and daughter-in-law dictating what she should do, how about sitting down with her and gently exploring how she is adjusting, and how they can help her in a more supportive way? -- SILVER-HAIRED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ABBY: You were on the right track to suggest that "Mom" become a volunteer. Volunteering allows the person to get involved to whatever degree they wish in their areas of interest. I joined a dog therapy group in my hometown. It provides casual, short-term visits in hospitals, rehab centers, nursing homes, school campuses, businesses and manufacturing facilities. The focus of dog therapy is primarily on the person being visited -- but EVERYONE benefits. -- DON IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: May I suggest they have Mom's hearing tested? Not being able to hear what is going on discourages people from joining in and getting involved in group settings. -- MARGO IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: You might add, on behalf of Shy Mom, that taking an adult education class or two in the local community, in subjects that interest her, will give her access to potential friends. Better yet, she can be in the class but not required to interact with "strangers" unless she wants to. -- JOHN J. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Several members of my husband's family let us down badly by not attending our daughter's wedding. They had various work and other family obligations near the date of our event. "Save the Date" cards had been sent out six months prior, but we were apparently lower on their priority list. I expressed to my husband my desire to not send holiday cards this year because I no longer feel good about these family members.

Then, while I was traveling for work, he bought cards, printed a letter with pictures, signed it from both of us and sent it to most of his family and some of our mutual friends. The first I heard about it was from a friend thanking me for the card and pictures a month later. I discussed it with my husband and got an apology, but I'm still shocked and saddened. What do you think? -- STILL MIFFED

DEAR STILL MIFFED: Although you didn't want to send holiday cards to the relatives who skipped your daughter's wedding, apparently your husband didn't feel the same way. He was entitled to do what he did. Repeat after me: A wedding invitation is not a command performance. Now let it go.

DEAR ABBY: I'm estranged from my nephew and feel bad that our relationship has deteriorated. We live in different states. He has a mental illness and refuses treatment.

As a professional who is respected at work and at home, I am distressed that my nephew is aggressive and demeaning to me in public and in private. How can I get onto a path of reconciliation, and how does one know when self-protection is the only reasonable action? -- SAD UNCLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNCLE: You are fortunate to be geographically distant from your mentally ill nephew. It is not up to you to make amends with him. Until he receives psychiatric treatment for his illness, his behavior won't moderate and there will be no reconciliation. In a case like this, self-protection is the most reasonable action.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I received a generous gift card from my brother and sister-in-law to a restaurant we love. Next week, the four of us are going to dinner together there. My question is about the etiquette of using such a gift card. Should we use it that night or plan not to use it? If we use it and there is excess, should we pay toward my brother's bill? I know my brother won't be bothered or offended either way, but I'm curious about the "correct" way to handle this, and I'd appreciate your advice. -- WONDERING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WONDERING: If my mail is any indication, some folks become offended if someone they are splitting the bill with uses a gift card rather than a credit card or cash. That's why it never hurts to ask that question of the person who is joining you before going to the restaurant.