DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage. My question concerns ongoing conversations we have been having about my hair color. The first couple of years we were together, my hair was gray, and then I dyed it red. While I know he loved it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid aging myself unnecessarily in the workplace. My husband knew this.

Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. Since then, he continually mentions that he wants me to return to red hair. I have told him repeatedly that I'm unwilling to do that. He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my "going gray" has made HIM feel old.

I am dismayed and annoyed by his continuing campaign to have me color my hair again, and I have said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which feels to me as though he's trying to gather outside support for his argument. I LIKE my gray hair.

It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair may be the reason he "feels old," but I wonder why my hair color choice bears that burden of responsibility. Isn't it rightfully my choice? I wouldn't dream of directing him about how to wear his hair. Your thoughts? -- SILVER GIRL IN NEW YORK

DEAR GIRL: This shouldn't be a power struggle, which it appears it has turned into. Yes, your hair color is your choice, and rightfully so. (Would wearing a red wig when your husband is feeling amorous be a workable compromise?) If he "feels old" when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his own hair would make him feel younger.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked successfully in the creative arts most of my professional life. My problem? My spouse never misses an opportunity to denigrate my work. If I show an unusual inspiration or spark of creativity which I am proud of, they instantly find fault and say it's not a good or valid idea. It's crushing! This could destroy our long and happy marriage. It's painful because I love my spouse in every way. I am always respectful and supportive of their professional work. -- NO VALIDATION IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO VALIDATION: Spouses are supposed to support each other. Is your spouse equally successful in their creative and work endeavors? If the answer is no, they may be jealous of, or threatened by, your success. They could also be insensitive about how their remarks affect you.

Have you asked your spouse why they are trashing your work? If you have and the response was unsatisfactory, a way to deal with this may be to tell your spouse you prefer that from now on, they keep their opinion to themself, and quit looking to them for validation.

DEAR ABBY: I have been an amateur astronomer for 25-plus years. I always go meteor watching as well as observe any celestial event. This year I invited my brother-in-law and his wife to watch a meteor shower with my husband and me. Since we both have campers, I reserved and paid the deposit for two camping sites at a nice location, close to some of the best night skies. The reservations were made more than a month ago.

My sister-in-law, who I dearly love and have been good friends with for more than 20 years, called me yesterday to let me know my BIL had invited three of their preteen granddaughters. Abby, I thought they understood it would be an adult event, as we'll be up half the night and traveling 30 minutes to get to the dark sky site. I do this every year.

I told my SIL that my BIL should've asked me first, since I invited them and made all the arrangements for this event. We talked on the phone for 90 minutes before I told her my BIL was wrong for not asking me first if it was OK.

Moments after we hung up, she texted me and said to cancel their reservation because they would not be attending. We are driving 90 miles to this campsite. They live 30 minutes from it. Was I wrong to tell her I should've been asked first, since I am the hostess for two days and nights? -- STARRY-EYED IN THE WEST

DEAR STARRY-EYED: Your brother-in-law should not have invited anyone along without clearing it with you first. What they did may have been well-intentioned, but it was also rude. If any of those girls shows an interest in astronomy, in the future, you might choose to invite them for this kind of event. But their presence should not have been sprung on you the way it was.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for nearly 20 years. My mother-in-law has always been passive-aggressive, critical and mixing into our business. My husband never told her to stop because he never could stand up to her. Sadly, I didn't stand up for myself, either. I finally had it and cut her off to an extent.

My husband says he supports me but has never shown it. He now often speaks to her away from the house and lies to me about it. Since I stood up to her, he has also pulled back from me emotionally, which he was barely capable of before. She still mixes into every part of his life and gives him speeches like he's still her little child.

I am finished with this unhealthy dynamic. I insisted on therapy but have seen no change in him at all. He goes only because I force him. Have you any advice? -- BURNED OUT IN NEW YORK

DEAR BURNED OUT: I agree that the dynamic you have described is unhealthy. It appears your husband is more bonded with his mother than he is with you. Do nothing on impulse or out of anger. If you are truly burned out, continue talking with your therapist to help you decide how to move forward.

DEAR ABBY: I was raped by a family member and, due to special circumstances, told no one except one other family member, who I swore to secrecy. She recently got mad at me because of my religious beliefs, and now she's saying if I pass away before she does, she's going to tell my grown children who assaulted me.

I'm praying she said it out of anger, but I'm scared because I know my children would harm the rapist, if not kill him, for what he did. I can't understand why this family member would say such a thing. What can I say or do to protect my secret? God has taken care of me, and my violator is locked up now for other reasons. -- FEARFUL IN THE WEST

DEAR FEARFUL: When you told your relative about your rape, it was no longer a secret. Because you are now afraid she will tell your children, approach her by saying that if she follows through, you fear they will take revenge after he is released and, by doing so, ruin their own lives.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has cancer, and the doctors say he has maybe a year left. Before his diagnosis, we had friends we would hang out with and go to dinner with once or twice a month. Now I don't hear a word from them. They don't call or text to ask how we are doing. Is it my responsibility to get ahold of them? I feel like I'm all alone in this fight, and they don't seem to care. -- INVISIBLE IN IOWA

DEAR INVISIBLE: What a sad letter. Please accept my sympathy for your husband's prognosis. This is a tragic situation, and not one that you and your husband should be facing alone. The absence of these friends may have less to do with lack of caring than an overwhelming fear of cancer and an inability to face their own mortality.

Of course you can reach out to them. But after that, if they still can't step up, you might have better luck by joining a cancer support group. If you do, you will find you are nowhere near as alone as you think you are.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice about getting in contact with my daughter. She's 22 and has a busy life. I understand her struggles with balancing all the day-to-day commitments, but she will not return my calls or texts. We have had a bruised past because of my divorce five years ago, but we have talked things through to where I feel we have been repairing old wounds.

Every time we are together, it's as if nothing has marred our relationship. I know she's young, but I need to know if I should be more persistent or just wait for her to eventually contact me. -- WAITING PARENT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PARENT: You didn't mention how persistent you have been, but you won't become closer to your daughter if you hound her with requests for more contact. She may be busy, distracted or just self-centered. Text or call her once a month and you may have better luck getting a response.