DEAR ABBY: We have a mutual friend who's very dear to us. He's a kind-hearted and generous disabled vet who's too proud to ask for help. Unfortunately, due to his ill health and physical limitations, his home is unkempt. He lives among piles of dusty trash, empty cartons, unfinished projects, dirty clothes and even animal messes. It smells very unpleasant, especially in the heat.

The last time I visited, I sat down in what I thought was a "safe" clear spot and came away smelling of cat urine. Despite our repeated offers, he declines our help to clean up. Unfortunately, it's so bad that people no longer want to visit his home.

He recently volunteered to host a traditional holiday gathering for our group of friends, but if he does, I'm afraid no one will show. (I'm hesitant to eat anything prepared there anyway, and so are others.) We've discussed moving the event, but we're afraid it would hurt his feelings, since he really enjoys hosting. Plus, what would we say?

Renting a small hall was our first thought, but he's insistent and excited for the company. Your advice on how to approach this delicate situation would be appreciated. -- IN A TOUGH SPOT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TOUGH SPOT: Your friend appears to be a hoarder. He may enjoy hosting and want company, but it isn't going to happen if people are afraid to go to his home and consume anything because of the filth and the odor. The person closest to him has to explain to him that although you all love him, his party would be better attended if the celebration was held off-site. He needs to understand why others are staying away, and he may need physical and psychological help to improve his situation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a young gay man with a problem. I met a cute guy, "Mark," with a sweet personality, and the sex has been awesome. We spent two consecutive nights together in a hotel, but two days later he went to church, and he's now convinced that being gay is wrong. Mark still rubs my foot with his under the table while we eat and kisses me on the lips. He tells me he loves me very much, but now I'm getting mixed signals. At night on our dating app, Mark sends nudes of himself, even though he says gay sex is wrong. What should I do? -- MIXED SIGNALS IN GEORGIA

DEAR MIXED SIGNALS: Mark is conflicted about being gay because the church he attends made him feel guilty about it. Talk with him and suggest that you feel he could benefit from counseling to help him become more comfortable about who he is. There are three LGBTQ community centers located in Atlanta. If Mark is unwilling, please understand it could be a long journey for him toward self-acceptance. If you are not prepared to wait, you should move on.

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I connected with "Christi," a daughter I fathered with a woman I was in a relationship with for a short time decades ago. We split before Christi was born. My ex-girlfriend didn't tell me about her until after she was born. By that time, she was married to a man Christi knew as her dad. However, she no longer acknowledges him as her father.

Christi and I developed our relationship, and it would be impossible for me to love her more than I do. When I retired five years ago, she asked me to move closer to her and my 11-year-old granddaughter. She said she would appreciate help with things like driving her to school and activities. Since relocating, though, I have been given very little access to either of them. Christi's family has poisoned my granddaughter against me. Whenever I see them, it's always in a group of 10 or more, so we haven't developed any of the closeness I was hoping for.

This situation is making me miserable to the point of affecting my mental health. I get the feeling that if I address this with Christi, I'll be cast out of her life completely. I don't think I could handle that. Must I accept the limited role I have been given in their lives or risk our relationship by telling her how I feel? -- LET DOWN IN FLORIDA

DEAR LET DOWN: The time has come to revisit those conversations you had with Christi in which she asked you to move closer. Tell her you agreed because you thought it would be an opportunity to spend time with her and get to know your granddaughter. However, the result has been that you feel more like a free chauffeur service than a grandparent. Ask why this has happened.

If the situation is fixable, talk with a licensed psychotherapist about how to accomplish it. However, if there are no changes, return to the community from which you came before you suffer further emotional damage.

DEAR ABBY: Where and how do you draw the line between being kind and being a people pleaser? Furthermore, how do you know when you're doing something that you don't particularly want to do, but don't mind doing, either out of kindness or an inability to say no?

Sometimes, I regret committing to something only when I'm actually in the middle of it or just beforehand. Other times, I realize I've taken on too many responsibilities, which makes me feel frustrated and stressed, even though I still enjoy being helpful whenever possible. How do I recognize and avoid these unpleasant feelings and experiences? -- CARRYING THE WEIGHT

DEAR CARRYING: You are a good person. Now start being as nice to yourself as you try to be to others. Because keeping the promises you make to these people is causing you to feel stressed or resentful, you must find the courage to say no. Start practicing now, before the milk of human kindness begins to curdle in your breast.

TO MY READERS: The eight days of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begin at sundown. Happy Hanukkah, everyone, and a joyous Festival of Lights to all of us. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have lived in a country home for the past 25 years. When we moved here, our only neighbors were wild turkeys, deer and raccoons. Behind our house were 20 acres of woods, which extended into a cornfield. We were isolated and loved it.

Since then, a housing development has slowly been built around us. Last fall, a couple built a house behind us. Their rear deck is within 20 feet of our property line. The back of their house has large bedroom windows. They cut down all of the beautiful, mature trees from their lot.

I have always had a dusk-to-dawn sensor light at the rear of my house for security reasons and to dissuade raccoons. Now this couple is complaining that because their house is so close to my property line and the trees (which acted as a privacy barrier) are gone, my security light of 25 years is shining into their bedroom windows and disturbing them. They want me to get rid of it.

Of course, my attitude is that we and that light have been here for 25 years. They saw our house and property lines before they chose to build there and remove all their trees. I am not inclined to accommodate them, but I'm open to suggestions from you. -- BRIGHT GUY IN OHIO

DEAR BRIGHT GUY: I do have one. Explain to these new neighbors that your security light was installed to discourage trespassers and wild animals. Then suggest they install blackout curtains or shutters in their bedroom windows to prevent unwanted light from seeping in. If that doesn't solve the problem, and there is a governing body for your growing neighborhood, ask that the matter be mediated.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have two children and work opposite evening shifts so that one of us is home with the kids at all times. Recently, my best friend from high school surprised me with concert tickets to our favorite band, but the concert is on a night I'm supposed to be with the kids.

I don't have any friends or family around to babysit the children, so I asked my boyfriend if he would take the night off so that I can go to this concert. He told me the only way he would do that is if I reimburse him for his missed wages (approximately $300). Do you think it's fair to charge me to watch his own children? -- CONFUSED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR CONFUSED: Should you reimburse your boyfriend for the wages he will miss if he takes off work so you can attend that concert? If his employer doesn't provide for personal time off, he will be out the money, and since you are the one altering your agreed-upon arrangement, you should reimburse him. What the two of you need to work out in the future is some form of plan so your children will be taken care of in the (hopefully unlikely) event that something should happen to both of you at the same time.