DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and happy. Each of us was married before. We're not rich, but we get by without help from anyone. We have been blessed with a big family. Between us, we have six children, 15 grandchildren and a great grandchild. This does not include the in-laws, because quite a few of these offspring are now married.

I am bothered by the sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant in this group. We never receive a "thank you" for anything we do for some of them, whether it's a birthday, graduation, shower gift, wedding, or an acknowledgement for a funeral. Most of them are old enough to have better manners than that, but it doesn't seem to matter.

I have bitten my tongue on more than one occasion. When we tried to stop sending gifts, we were called out on it by the two worst offenders. We don't want to give because "we have to." We want to give because we want to. And while we may want to give, we don't want to feel underappreciated either. Any advice? -- UNAPPRECIATED IN INDIANA

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: Just this. Feel free to unburden yourselves to the worst offenders. Tell them in plain English that when a gift goes unacknowledged, it makes the giver feel the gesture is unappreciated, and you don't like feeling that way. Make it clear that if they cannot summon up the energy to practice basic good manners, you will find another way to spend your money. I cannot make your relatives change, but if you do this, you may be able to wake them up.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20-plus years received a Facebook message from an old high school girlfriend. The message was wildly inappropriate (extremely risque) and ended with her offering to fly out and "meet up" if he ever wanted to. When my husband saw the message, he read it to me and to his best friend, who happened to be in town visiting. Those two guys were laughing so hard they were crying. They thought it was the funniest thing ever, while I was thinking she has a lot of nerve.

My husband wrote back and declined her proposition. But later that night, I was doing some internet sleuthing. (Who wouldn't?) Abby, she is a marriage counselor! Her message went from being a former flame's cliche message to repulsive on so many levels. She of all people should know better. I'm itching to give her a piece of my mind. What do you think? -- PERPLEXED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR PERPLEXED: IF you really feel inclined to contact your husband's old girlfriend, choose your words carefully. Tell her that when your husband received her message, he read it to you and his best friend, who happened to be in town visiting, and although the two of them were howling with laughter, you didn't find it funny. Then close by saying you are disappointed that someone who is in a helping profession would stoop that low. (Mic drop.)

DEAR ABBY: We have a mutual friend who's very dear to us. He's a kind-hearted and generous disabled vet who's too proud to ask for help. Unfortunately, due to his ill health and physical limitations, his home is unkempt. He lives among piles of dusty trash, empty cartons, unfinished projects, dirty clothes and even animal messes. It smells very unpleasant, especially in the heat.

The last time I visited, I sat down in what I thought was a "safe" clear spot and came away smelling of cat urine. Despite our repeated offers, he declines our help to clean up. Unfortunately, it's so bad that people no longer want to visit his home.

He recently volunteered to host a traditional holiday gathering for our group of friends, but if he does, I'm afraid no one will show. (I'm hesitant to eat anything prepared there anyway, and so are others.) We've discussed moving the event, but we're afraid it would hurt his feelings, since he really enjoys hosting. Plus, what would we say?

Renting a small hall was our first thought, but he's insistent and excited for the company. Your advice on how to approach this delicate situation would be appreciated. -- IN A TOUGH SPOT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TOUGH SPOT: Your friend appears to be a hoarder. He may enjoy hosting and want company, but it isn't going to happen if people are afraid to go to his home and consume anything because of the filth and the odor. The person closest to him has to explain to him that although you all love him, his party would be better attended if the celebration was held off-site. He needs to understand why others are staying away, and he may need physical and psychological help to improve his situation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a young gay man with a problem. I met a cute guy, "Mark," with a sweet personality, and the sex has been awesome. We spent two consecutive nights together in a hotel, but two days later he went to church, and he's now convinced that being gay is wrong. Mark still rubs my foot with his under the table while we eat and kisses me on the lips. He tells me he loves me very much, but now I'm getting mixed signals. At night on our dating app, Mark sends nudes of himself, even though he says gay sex is wrong. What should I do? -- MIXED SIGNALS IN GEORGIA

DEAR MIXED SIGNALS: Mark is conflicted about being gay because the church he attends made him feel guilty about it. Talk with him and suggest that you feel he could benefit from counseling to help him become more comfortable about who he is. There are three LGBTQ community centers located in Atlanta. If Mark is unwilling, please understand it could be a long journey for him toward self-acceptance. If you are not prepared to wait, you should move on.

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I connected with "Christi," a daughter I fathered with a woman I was in a relationship with for a short time decades ago. We split before Christi was born. My ex-girlfriend didn't tell me about her until after she was born. By that time, she was married to a man Christi knew as her dad. However, she no longer acknowledges him as her father.

Christi and I developed our relationship, and it would be impossible for me to love her more than I do. When I retired five years ago, she asked me to move closer to her and my 11-year-old granddaughter. She said she would appreciate help with things like driving her to school and activities. Since relocating, though, I have been given very little access to either of them. Christi's family has poisoned my granddaughter against me. Whenever I see them, it's always in a group of 10 or more, so we haven't developed any of the closeness I was hoping for.

This situation is making me miserable to the point of affecting my mental health. I get the feeling that if I address this with Christi, I'll be cast out of her life completely. I don't think I could handle that. Must I accept the limited role I have been given in their lives or risk our relationship by telling her how I feel? -- LET DOWN IN FLORIDA

DEAR LET DOWN: The time has come to revisit those conversations you had with Christi in which she asked you to move closer. Tell her you agreed because you thought it would be an opportunity to spend time with her and get to know your granddaughter. However, the result has been that you feel more like a free chauffeur service than a grandparent. Ask why this has happened.

If the situation is fixable, talk with a licensed psychotherapist about how to accomplish it. However, if there are no changes, return to the community from which you came before you suffer further emotional damage.

DEAR ABBY: Where and how do you draw the line between being kind and being a people pleaser? Furthermore, how do you know when you're doing something that you don't particularly want to do, but don't mind doing, either out of kindness or an inability to say no?

Sometimes, I regret committing to something only when I'm actually in the middle of it or just beforehand. Other times, I realize I've taken on too many responsibilities, which makes me feel frustrated and stressed, even though I still enjoy being helpful whenever possible. How do I recognize and avoid these unpleasant feelings and experiences? -- CARRYING THE WEIGHT

DEAR CARRYING: You are a good person. Now start being as nice to yourself as you try to be to others. Because keeping the promises you make to these people is causing you to feel stressed or resentful, you must find the courage to say no. Start practicing now, before the milk of human kindness begins to curdle in your breast.

TO MY READERS: The eight days of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begin at sundown. Happy Hanukkah, everyone, and a joyous Festival of Lights to all of us. -- LOVE, ABBY