DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend's father is a physician, and I have always addressed him as "Mister" since it comes naturally to me. I am 18 years old, and have been dating my boyfriend for three years, and he always makes a point of correcting me in front of his father, saying that I should call him "Doctor." Is it rude or bad manners for me to call him "Mister" when he is a physician?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners certainly considers it rude of you repeatedly to ignore your beau's wishes, and presumably those of his father, on the grounds that it is more important for you to do what "comes naturally." Especially when your natural inclination in this case is to be incorrect. As a matter of fact, medical doctors are properly addressed as "doctor," even socially.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Back when I was preparing to marry, toward the end of the Second Punic War, a bridal shower was a gathering at which the future bride's girlfriends "showered" her with small, utilitarian gifts that fit into the budgets of students or young working women: pot holders, dish towels, assorted little kitchen gadgets and the like. For a real splurge, several guests might chip in for an inexpensive negligee. Serious house wares, such as electrical appliances, place settings of china or silver, casserole dishes, wooden salad sets or silver candlesticks were considered wedding presents.

Now that several of my friends' daughters are getting married, I have been invited to a series of showers organized not by young, impecunious friends of the bride but by groups of prosperous, middle-aged friends or relatives of the young couple's parents. The guests are overwhelmingly women of my own age, some of whom have made special trips from out of town to attend. The refreshments are catered. And the gifts are of the category I remember receiving for my wedding, many of them selected from the registry of the bride's preferences.

The main entertainment is a game of bingo played while the guest of honor opens her gifts. The squares on the cards contain not numbers but the names of various gifts. As the bride opens each package, the guests cover the appropriate square.

I have felt a great deal of pressure to join my friends in celebrating their daughters' forthcoming weddings and therefore have attended. Because the gifts are opened publicly, I have felt compelled to bring something that I consider to be at the lower end of the wedding present range. Then, when the wedding invitation arrives, I have felt compelled to give another gift of equal or greater cost.

This has put me in a sour mood and has made me wonder whether it is really necessary to give two substantial gifts for a single marriage. On the one hand, I have been invited to two celebratory social events, and I do wish the young people well. On the other hand, none of these youngsters is economically deprived, and I feel shaken down at these events. What do you advise?

GENTLE READER: The fact that Miss Manners feels exactly as you do about the over-blown shower does not justify accepting an invitation and refusing to comply with its terms. On the other hand, no one in her right mind should be subjected to playing Gimme Bingo.

Surely there is a less arduous way you can show your good will for the young people. A letter expressing your good wishes would do that, but in cases where you are especially close, you could invite the bride to lunch and give her a chance to tell you all those wedding details she is unable to get anyone besides her mother to listen to.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps you know the drill that charity organizations use to rate their donors: Large donors are "Patrons" and "Benefactors," while smaller donors are merely "Associates."

Although I believe in giving to charity, I was recently between jobs and could not give that much. A $15 check was a real sacrifice for me at that time. I felt slighted when I had to check off the "Associate" box when I had stretched my budget to include charitable giving.

I am not asking whether this fundraising practice is rude; I know that it's always rude to slight or demean people because they have less money. My question is, how much slack do these organizations deserve (because their cause is good) before I decide to stop having anything to do with them? Is there any hope for etiquette in nonprofit fundraising?

GENTLE READER: Not as long as they can succeed in getting donors like you to take this gimmick seriously.

Miss Manners is afraid that it is as common in the nonprofit organizations as it is in business to look only at the bottom line, giving scant consideration to the feelings of the customers -- or even to the possibility of driving away small donors before they are in a position to give more. Doing good is never an excuse for behaving badly, but it is particularly unwise in an organization that depends on appealing to people's own good nature.

Unfortunately, they have discovered that appealing to baser instincts also works. Miss Manners can't imagine why you are insulted to be called an "associate," but if they can make you feel shamed at this rating, perhaps to the extent of giving more than you can afford, they will continue it.

Sensibly, irritating fund-raising practices should have no more effect on what charities you support than objectionable advertising should steer you away from good products. But they both do. If the listings annoy you, you can escape them by asking that your donation remain anonymous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently unemployed, single, with no children. I would like to be employed again. What do I say to people when they ask, "What do you do?" In this society, it is what you do that matters, and not much else. When appropriate, I tell people I'm unemployed, and I will also ask them if they know of any jobs. However, there are times when I feel it is inappropriate to answer the question with "I'm unemployed." Some people subsequently treat me like pond scum once they find out I'm unemployed. (You'd be surprised how often this happens.) I would like to have an appropriate response to "What do you do?"

GENTLE READER: Even when this question is posed as an innocuous conversation-opener, and not by one of those dreadful people who uses social occasions to angle for professional advantage, Miss Manners finds it tedious. She was about to sympathize with you and advise you to treat it as if it were the more general question, "Tell me about yourself."

But hold on. You want to use social occasions to angle for a professional advantage. If you want to hear about job opportunities, you are going to have to tell people what kinds of jobs you can do. The upbeat way of saying "I'm unemployed and desperate" is "As a matter of fact, I'm just now looking for something challenging."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Only you can help me, as I consider this strictly a question of manners and do not wish to be told to seek counseling or get in touch with my feelings.

My parents were "on again, off again" since I was born, and I had last seen my father when I was about 10. They then met somewhere after 12 years and started seeing each other, later getting married. I invited him to my own wedding as a courtesy to my mother and, after a few years, our family developed a polite, though not close, relationship.

Then they rather violently broke up, and he made quite a few hateful comments about me and my as-yet-unborn child. I, of course, have maintained my distance, and although he has expressed wishes to other family members to be included in my and my son's lives, I have refused.

Well, wouldn't you know it, my parents are now back together!

What is the least polite way one is obligated to treat one's rather fickle, mean, and hateful father who had abandoned one as a child and cursed one as an adult but who is now "happily" married to one's mother? My mother urges me to let him into my life and let them both visit my home and family, although she had badmouthed him profusely before. I harbor no resentment, but am very tired of this type of upheaval and just want to live my life in peace with my husband and 1-year-old son. I don't want to have anything to do with this man, or with his and my mother's relationship, such as it is, but my mother is making me crazy with her requests. Do I owe it to her to be courteous to her spouse, or can I just cut my deadbeat dad out of my life?

GENTLE READER: You may rest assured that Miss Manners never tells her Gentle Readers to seek counseling or get in touch with their feelings. Never.

They know how they feel. What is more, they are already seeking counsel -- from her. She is not about to shrug and tell them to go find someone else.

Your feelings are conflicting, in that you want to keep your father away without upsetting your mother, but they are clear. Miss Manners' counsel is to allow her to bring him and of course treat him cordially when he is with her, but to decline any opportunities to see him alone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss sent out an invitation to a party he is throwing and invited only 13 people out of 31. He now wants to send a memo to everyone letting them know he is having this party and is unable to invite everyone. Should this be done?

GENTLE READER: Does he hope to downsize the office without paying severance?

People do not react well to being told, "Ha, ha, I'm having a party and you're not invited!" which is why kindergartners are so fond of doing it. If you are in a position to influence your boss, Miss Manners suggests telling him to say he is having a retreat for a third of the office and is excusing the others.

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