Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The scenario: the 50th wedding anniversary of my favorite uncle and his wife. (Note the phrasing.) He and I were very close and had frequent conversations until I came out five years ago and my wife and I separated.

Since then, by his choice, our contact has been minimal, and his interest in my life has gone from high to none. So I was very pleased to have the opportunity again to see both him and my four cousins, all of whom I enjoy immensely. And I was doubly glad to see him after considering the actuarial tables, since it was likely our last personal visit.

While there's no question that this was Their Evening and that the anniversary couple was, quite rightly, the center of attention, these family events are also catch-up times, with everybody sharing news since the last big get-together at a cousin's wedding in the previous century. So what does the black sheep of the family share?

I wasn't going to volunteer anything that would likely be seen as inflammatory (or as "rubbing their faces in my lifestyle"), but if I was asked a question, I would answer it without editing my pronouns. (I have a partner of four years, so saying "I went to Australia this spring" would be grammatically accurate, but nonetheless misleading.)

We all find ourselves in situations where a little less detail makes for a more agreeable evening, but when family is involved, there's always the subtext, "How well do you really want to know ME?" I would appreciate your guidance on this subject.

GENTLE READER: Yes, there is always that question, no matter how harmonious the family situation, and you are wise to recognize it. Miss Manners can think of loving relatives who would turn enemies if they freely discussed their politics, never mind their love lives.

Once one has the maturity to recognize that principle should not automatically trump the claims of family -- although Miss Manners recognizes that there are tragic cases in which it must -- applying it becomes a matter of judgment. Your plan of discussing public matters, such as your taking a trip with your partner, but not private ones, such as how happy you are together, seems a reasonable balance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a pet peeve. When invited to dinner, be it to someone's home or an evening out, is it not appropriate for the inviter to inform the invitee that others will also be joining the dinner engagement if that is the intent? Does this not rate rather high on the rudeness scale, not to inform?

GENTLE READER: If you are encouraged to arrive dressed for a quiet evening and discover that it is a major dinner party, with everyone all tucked out, yes, Miss Manners agrees that it weighs on the rudeness scale. Maybe not on the top, but high.

If you are unknowingly lured to encounter someone known to be your enemy, also yes.

Otherwise, the custom is to warn people only that there will not be other guests and they will have to talk to their hosts all evening. The phrase used, in a voice suggesting coziness, is "It will be just us."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our friends join us at any restaurant on a social evening, I find it awkward when they request separate checks. If we are close enough friends, why is this necessary? It seems to me that it evens out over time, one more or one less. Any clarification would be appealing.

GENTLE READER: Not necessarily. Miss Manners has heard tell of some truly unappealing clarifications taking place among friends who are close enough to go together for dinner at a restaurant.

Such as "But you had two desserts."

And "Don't you think 20 percent is a bit excessive?"

And "But you drank twice as much."

And "Don't you think 10 percent is a bit stingy?"

And "I want it all on my card because I need the frequent flyer points."

And "I want it on mine, because I'm going to claim it as a deduction."

In contrast, she feels that "Let's put this on separate checks" is downright friendly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman, and my best friend's husband does not like me.

We have been friends for more than 20 years. There has never been any kind of run-in or scene or argument with my friend's husband -- he apparently just does not like me. My friend and I have surmised that he is insecure and feels threatened by our friendship.

In any event, I always try to include him when there is something my friend and I are planning that might interest him, such as concerts or other outings. He rarely attends and only if other couples, i.e., men, are present.

Recently I had a catered dinner party for several people at a local restaurant, something very special and unusual for me to do. I sent an invitation addressed to my friend and her husband. When she responded, she said that her husband would not come because one of the other guests was her ex-husband. Now, she has been divorced from the ex-husband for 15 years, and there was no overlap or history of any kind between first and second husbands. His reason for declining was "he didn't want to put himself through that."

Miss Manners, am I wrong to be hurt and insulted by his refusal? I believe the excuse to be totally transparent and just another way to put me down. At this point I never want to see him again, and it is hard to be civil when my friend even talks about him. Your thoughts, please.

GENTLE READER: Do you think you could manage to be only mildly hurt?

Your friend's husband doesn't want to put you down. On the contrary, he is going to great lengths to devise cover stories to avoid this, even if you find them clumsy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a birthday party for my friend, I had a pot luck luncheon for a group of friends, all retired, who sew together. I placed the entrees on a buffet table and put the desserts, including a hand-sculpted cake, in the refrigerator. My cobbler came out of the oven, so I had to place it on the dessert table to cool.

One woman jumped up and said, "Oh, I'm just eating dessert." Everyone was still eating entrees, and I explained that I intended to serve the cobbler with a sauce after "Happy Birthday" was sung and candles were blown out.

She went to the table and dug into the cobbler, and she was joined by several others. I said sharply, "Please wait for everyone," but they ignored me, so I removed the cobbler. They say that I was rude. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: To guests who ignore their hostess' plans and requests in order to snatch at the dessert early? To hostesses who snatch away food while their guests are eating it?

Miss Manners can only hope that it was your friend's third birthday you were celebrating, and that you will all have learned rudimentary party manners before she turns 4.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hold a very responsible and visible position in the community, have served on countless boards, been involved in many fund-raising ventures for nonprofits and must attend many events because of my job responsibilities. I have a difficult strain of rheumatoid arthritis and need a wheelchair to get around.

Many of these meetings, parties and social gatherings take place, as you know, in private homes. Most, if not 99 percent of these homes are inaccessible to users of wheelchairs, walkers or crutches.

Of course, most hosts will and have offered to carry me into their homes, but this is demeaning, even though unintentional. Bathrooms and hallways are not accessible, and by law, they are not required or expected to be. Fortunately, accommodations can easily be made.

If I'm invited, should I accept and then enlighten my host to the availability of new, cheap and portable ramps (which can be rented for as little as $15)? Or should I just refuse with no explanation? Or should I refuse with an explanation that may hurt feelings or cause the host to feel guilty? How would you handle this dilemma if you were a wheelchair user or host?

GENTLE READER: In a responsible and visible way. Which is to say that Miss Manners does not consider mysterious absences or assumptions about spreading guilt to be helpful, much less enlightening.

She asks you to consider how you would handle things if the meeting were proposed at a location where parking is difficult. Surely you -- and everybody else -- would say, "Fine, but what do we do about parking?" The host might propose a solution, or might concede that it would be more convenient to meet elsewhere, but no one is likely to be nursing hurt feelings.

She asks you to stop hedging and to say pleasantly and regretfully, "I'd really like to be there, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to get in unless you want to go to the trouble of renting a ramp," and to decline any offers to carry you with a simple, "Thanks, but I really don't like to do that."

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