Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Never did I imagine that I would live to see the day that I would be invited to Thanksgiving at the home of an out-of-town acquaintance and arrive bearing a turkey and wine, only to be abandoned in the early afternoon of the holiday, while my hosts answered a better dinner offer, which kept them away until almost 11 p.m. without so much as a phone call, let alone a formal apology.

Yet this is exactly what I endured. The pretense was that they were stopping in at a friend's for an hour or two to give their regards -- much, it seems to me, like a teen-age girl who receives a last-minute invitation to the prom from the football quarterback and leaves her original date standing at her front door holding a corsage.

It was overhearing them gripe that I had the temerity to take home some of the leftover bird, as well as my remaining bottle of wine (which, I might add, was a gracious, and not inexpensive, gift from my own family, and which I subsequently offered my friend after he came to stay at my home in the days immediately following the holiday) that makes this one for the record books. I can only assume that they wanted to reciprocate their own dinner hosts for their generosity and were bitter that this might necessitate their dipping into their own reserves, now that the sucker had wised up.

Nevertheless, I am aware that two wrongs do not make a right. Did I indeed make an etiquette faux pas? Was I wrong thinking one needn't extend absurd gratitude for the equivalent of a backhanded slap across the face?

GENTLE READER: Right you are: Two wrongs don't make a right. They just give rude people material with which to be even ruder. Miss Manners assures you that these people are running around saying, "We stepped out for just a minute, and she went off in a huff with her turkey bones under one arm and her bottle under the other."

And you missed the opportunity to go home while they were out, leaving a note saying, "Thank you for giving me a great Thanksgiving."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are in our late 60s, a widower and a widow who just got married, and we both have married children and grandchildren. Please address blended family signatures on cards to blended family members. What is the proper way to sign cards for the married children and grandchildren each of us have? Love, Mom and Dad? Love, Grandma and Grandpa?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has the impression that you care more that your titles match each other than that they match what your various relatives call you. She puts this down to your being newlyweds and considers it all very sweet.

However, it might startle middle-aged people who had not thought of the newcomer as "Mom" or "Dad," however pleased they may have been at the marriage. And it might puzzle grandchildren who have a hard enough time as it is distinguishing one pair of grandparents from the other. If such is the case, you should sign "Love, Mom and Terence," or "Love, Grandpa and Grandma-Jenny."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On September 11, the whole world fell apart. Members of my family had to walk from Manhattan across the bridge to get home to Brooklyn. The next day I was still told to have a nice day. This time I asked, "Do you really think I can have a nice day following what happened?" All I got was a silly stare.

Miss Manners: How can we stop this kind of meaningless invitation? I realize it has become so entrenched it is automatic. Even the bus driver says it to each passenger as we get out. No, I do not say thank you. Anyway, what is a nice day? The weather?

GENTLE READER: A nice day for Miss Manners would be one in which people realize that there is enough hatred in the world without their taking umbrage at perfectly harmless and routine expressions of good will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are in our mid-40s and resigned to the fact that we will not have children. We are content with that, have become accustomed to caring for each other and have never discussed adoption.

My only and older brother, who is in his early 50s, has a new fiancee in her mid-40's who is expecting twins and has hinted to my wife that we will be asked and expected to be godparents, though my brother has not mentioned this to me. He and I are fairly close, as is our family, and everyone is beaming at the prospect of children finally arriving in our family.

However, my wife and I don't think that we want to assume the responsibility of being godparents, partially out of not knowing what to do and the level of commitment involved. What happens if, heaven forbid, misfortune should occur, my dear brother and his fiancee don't remain together, or even get married for that matter? We don't see ourselves as parents at this stage of our lives, and my wife has seen many women come into and depart my brother's intimate social circles, so she isn't confident that he'll properly carry his weight or remain committed to a marriage or a child, let alone two. We don't want to become the babysitters or chaperons for the children when their parents' agenda warrants.

On the other hand, we don't want to be viewed as inconsiderate, insensitive or lacking familial courtesies or deference. What should we do to continue showing our love, and keep the peace and our reputations intact?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners will refrain from asking whether you realize that your inexperience with children doesn't matter, that it may be making you unduly apprehensive, and that most people find it a tremendous joy to have such a connection to the next generation. She just wants you to know that she is finding it a strain.

That said, you may decline graciously if you acknowledge the fact that the offer is a great honor and that you are declining because you will not be able to do justice to the position, although you will look forward to having a close avuncular relationship with both children.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A group of friends has been showing up at a restaurant bar for as long as 30 years, and on rare occasions, a latecomer may be the recipient of three or four drinks already purchased by the group. By the time he gets an opportunity to reciprocate, everyone, including himself, is ready to leave.

The bar manager thinks the lucky one should leave a heavy tip for being so lucky. Some members feel the buying of drinks for their friends caused them to have higher tabs and took care of the tip according to the increased amount they spent.

Should the lucky one have to tip the bartender a second time, even if he made no purchase?

GENTLE READER: Speaking of tips, Miss Manners advises you not to accept any on etiquette from those who stand to make a financial gain if you act on their advice.

It sounds as if all these friends are leaving the bar too late. You all should have left for good the moment the bar manager started nosing into who was treating whom. Let us hope that he does not go around explaining to other patrons' dates how lucky they are to be asked out and demanding that they give him a cut.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommate and I got along well for the first few months. Now we barely talk. I find that we (we're girls) get along fine. She says, "I hope you can be a better roommate." That annoys me. I feel all I need to do is show respect and give her space. Am I correct?

GENTLE READER: You also have to give her back her stuff, including her beau, presuming he wants to go back.

Sharing living quarters with another person is a tricky and complicated business even for those bound by blood or passion. It requires going beyond the fairness of rules, although that is the place to start. A harmonious atmosphere, not just one person's way against another's, should be important enough to both to allow them to make the sort of small concessions that render life at close quarters bearable.

First you should agree on such crucial matters as noise level, guest policy, bill divisions and the use of shared appliances. Strict observance of the law is not enough, however. You should also be trying to put up with as much as you can tolerate of the other person's quirks and habits and to curtail those of your own that are found intolerable. If your humming drives your roommate crazy, it is no justification for you to point out that there is no rule against it, and if she leaves hair all over the sink you're not going to be happy when she points out that it is your week to clean.

If you are doing all this and still have no clue as to why your roommate is fed up, Miss Manners certainly doesn't. Unlike her, however, you have the opportunity to ask politely if there is anything you have done to offend her. Not that Miss Manners necessarily thinks that you have. Someone who would make such a cutting remark is a good candidate for being a bad roommate.

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