DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need to know if it is appropriate for a guest (especially family) to give money to help with food, bills, or what have you after they visit for a weekend or a couple of weeks. My mom always feels that you should give the homeowners something to help make up for the extra electricity or food bills.

I don't agree. I have had 16 family members at once in my house, and I don't expect them to buy anything. It is a once-a-year visit, and I just get prepared.

As a daughter visiting some weekends, should I pay? Even if I visit an aunt with my husband and our three children and help buy groceries because she is a single parent of two, should I leave her money when I leave?

GENTLE READER: Of course you shouldn't be paying your mother, or any other hostess, to visit her. But Miss Manners is wondering whether you should be helping to support her.

Considerate guests, even if they are the hostess' children, have plenty to do without insulting their hosts by indicating that their precious gift of hospitality has a price tag on it. They should clean up after themselves, help with the additional chores, provide treats and, for extended stays, take over the responsibility for an occasional meal, either by taking their hosts out or by doing the shopping and cooking. They must also reciprocate, preferably without checking to see whether the electricity their guests use is no greater an amount than they used at that person's house.

However, if your relatives are in need, you should find a way to help them financially, without tying it to any visits you may make.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a child, I was taught never to applaud in church. Now it is very common in my church and others I have attended. It seems that everything -- singing, speeches or any time of performance -- is following by someone saying, "Let's give them a big hand." Everybody applauds except me. Is this right or wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are right, but brace yourself. A lot of angry churchgoers are going to come at you with that quote about making a joyful noise unto the Lord.

Miss Manners is delighted that they have the joyful noise idea, and is all for music, speaking and other decently appropriate forms of worship. But she is afraid the good people missed that part about its being directed unto the Lord, and not unto themselves. Their pleasure may be great, but it is incidental to the purpose of worship, and they should not attempt to usurp the Lord's power of passing judgment on those who are worshipping Him.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently joined the managerial staff in a medium-sized company. Two months ago, my boss explained his holiday "tradition" of having each of us contribute $75 to a holiday gathering for all departmental employees and their spouses. My colleagues, having been through this before, all got out their checkbooks and reflexively handed over the money, planning to write it off on next year's taxes as "professional dues."

I wanted to find out more. When I asked how this kitty would be spent, I learned that we would be gathering at the home of another employee, that trays of various finger foods would be purchased from a local supermarket, and that the rest would be spent on wine and beer ("Good beer, ya know, good beer") and a maid service to clean up the host's home after the party (despite the fact that a sign-up sheet to do this had been posted at work and at least three employees had volunteered).

Miss Manners, I don't mind forking over $5 or $10 to help with a holiday spread at the office, but for $75, I expect something like a catered buffet and live entertainment. Moreover, I don't feel that I owe the department a holiday party, and I think that a lot of money is being wasted here. I don't know several of the employees who work evenings and nights, and I haven't even met some of them. I feel that my boss is using his status to extort money from his subordinates to host HIS party. If he wants to do so, I say let him pay for it.

When I gave my boss my regrets that I wouldn't be able to attend the gathering, he replied, "Well, in past years, even if somebody couldn't come, they paid anyway." I am not a freeloader, and I indeed did not attend, but my boss just asked me for the second time since the party when I would be paying my share, and I am furious.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to rush the season, but it's time to get ready for next year's party.

See if you can build an informal consensus, not only of managers but among the staff, for giving everyone an afternoon off in honor of the holiday, instead of a party that intrudes on time they might otherwise spend with their families and friends. You may need to show your good faith by paying this year's blackmail, but it will be worth it. You would be doing everyone a favor.

However, it might be enough just to tell your boss your plan to find out whether this might work better. As he realizes that the cost of time off will come from the business itself, he may be very ready to tell you to forget about the $75.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't drink wine and rarely serve it. My niece's French husband found it strange -- impolite? -- that when he brought me a bottle of wine, I didn't open it immediately. Other times, guests bring wine to a dinner party, and one bottle would not serve everyone. Must I open and share it?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners does not blame your nephew-in-law for finding this habit strange, not because he is French -- and is more likely to have been taught to bring flowers -- but because it is silly.

Of course you can't use one bottle for a lot of guests, which is why it is not a good present to hand over before dinner. The polite host accepts such a present gracefully and puts it aside, saying, "Thank you, I will think of you when we enjoy this."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly mother enjoys participating in the social activities at her senior living complex. In addition to weekly card games and coffee klatches, they also have seasonal brunches, lunches and dinners. As you might imagine, the same people attend these events time after time.

Mom is a great cook who likes to make "special" dishes to take to the informal gatherings and potlucks. When everyone else is bringing fruit pies, she takes a chocolate cake.

A voracious reader, she collects recipes from a wide variety of sources. As time goes on, she finds it difficult to stand in the kitchen for long periods of time, forcing her to seek out recipes that do no not require lengthy preparation. Because she assiduously tests recipes, she always comes up with a winner.

People frequently ask her for the recipe. Being the gentle soul she is, Mom complies. One neighbor has taken a dish made from Mom's special recipe six times to these community events, and another resident was insistent that Mom share a recipe. Mom feels she must drop these from her potluck repertoire.

Don't they realize they're stealing Mom's thunder? It not only hurts her feelings, it forces her to research and test new recipes. At age 90, Mom would like to slow down a bit. Is there a polite way to decline to share recipes with these folks?

Please, no reminders about imitation being the most sincere form of flattery.

GENTLE READER: Whether or not the flattery is sincere, it is obviously effective. Miss Manners considers it high time to teach your mother to resist flattery and say no politely, or there's no telling what trouble she might get into at her senior living complex.

Flattery is best fought with flattery. If your mother smiles coyly and says warmly, "No, no, it's a secret I'll never tell because I want you to keep coming back to me for more," it may not be sincere, either, but it should be irresistible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I purchased an electronic appliance for a family member as a Christmas gift. As with many modern products, the price the store posts and advertises is the net price I will have paid after I successfully receive my manufacturer's rebate.

After giving the gift, I hate to look like a cheapskate and anxiously ask the recipient to break the shrink-wrap so I can cut out the bar code and send away for a cash rebate. But I also do not want to be another statistic, feeding the corporate fat cats who know very well that a fraction of customers will never send in to get their own money back. Can you shed any light on the dilemma?

GENTLE READER: Rather than shedding light on capitalistic warfare, Miss Manners would prefer to solve the problem. If the bar code is on the shrink wrap, cut it out and cover the hole with a Christmas sticker. If it is inside, re-wrap the present, buying shrink wrap for the purpose if you are afraid the company will not otherwise accept a return from the recipient.

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