DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ten years ago, I got married for the second time, four years after the death of my first wife of 38 years. Everything is fine and dandy except when it comes to Christmas cards.

My second wife has a lot of friends of longstanding that I may have met casually, briefly, or not at all, as well as a lot who have also become my friends. Some of the Christmas cards are addressed to Mr. and Mrs., some are addressed to my wife in her previous married name, some in her previous married name hyphenated with my last name, and some with her first name and my last name.

I don't open any letter that does not clearly have my name on it. A Mr. will do. Occasionally a letter to the other one of us may get opened by mistake, but neither of us is concerned by that and may even ask, "What did they say?" or say, sincerely, or in humor, "Thanks for opening it." We have no problems with mail secrecy.

However, my nosy sister, who we invite over at Christmas and tell to look through the beautiful cards we have received, has discovered that most of the cards to my wife do not mention or acknowledge my name or my existence. My sister feels that I am being intentionally slighted and ignored by my wife's snobby friends. My sister feels that my wife should make a point of smoothly but definitely letting every card writer know that she is married to a wonderful man and she expects them to acknowledge us as a couple!

I tell dear sister to keep her mouth shut because I feel Christmas cards are basically informal and personal salutations that only involve the writer and the recipient. It is completely asinine, illogical and of no consequence to worry about whether I was included or addressed on a Christmas card to my wife. Even if it is intentional, that is a problem for the writer and not for me. If the writers are just ignorant (?) of the "laws" of etiquette I am quite willing to let the perpetrators go free (without a ticket) and not say "ignorance of the law is not an excuse."

I've got my mind made up, but sister insists she knows the etiquette of the Christmas card and is trying to make my wife feel that perhaps my wife is letting me down. Would you please comment?

GENTLE READER: Why your sister is doing this, and why you don't just brush it off after presumably a lifetime of knowing that she likes to stir up trouble are things Miss Manners doesn't feel up to spoiling the holiday week by discussing. There is much to be said for solving problems superficially.

Before you show your sister your Christmas cards, remove the envelopes and any personal notes addressed only to your wife. And don't let Miss Manners catch your sister going around passing herself off as knowledgeable about etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This holiday I purchased chargers for my Christmas dinner table. I thought you left them on the table, placed the entree plates on top, and then picked them up before dessert. After the first course was cleared, my husband removed the chargers, saying that they are only to be on the table for the first course and not the entree. Please let me know how to use them properly.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners could complicate this situation hopelessly by pointing out that although American restaurants have spread the use of the word "entree" to mean the main course, it actually is an in-between course, but let's not go there. Your husband is correct that the charger, also known as a service plate, is removed with the soup plate or the plate for another opening course, and replaced with the plate for the main course.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need to know if it is appropriate for a guest (especially family) to give money to help with food, bills, or what have you after they visit for a weekend or a couple of weeks. My mom always feels that you should give the homeowners something to help make up for the extra electricity or food bills.

I don't agree. I have had 16 family members at once in my house, and I don't expect them to buy anything. It is a once-a-year visit, and I just get prepared.

As a daughter visiting some weekends, should I pay? Even if I visit an aunt with my husband and our three children and help buy groceries because she is a single parent of two, should I leave her money when I leave?

GENTLE READER: Of course you shouldn't be paying your mother, or any other hostess, to visit her. But Miss Manners is wondering whether you should be helping to support her.

Considerate guests, even if they are the hostess' children, have plenty to do without insulting their hosts by indicating that their precious gift of hospitality has a price tag on it. They should clean up after themselves, help with the additional chores, provide treats and, for extended stays, take over the responsibility for an occasional meal, either by taking their hosts out or by doing the shopping and cooking. They must also reciprocate, preferably without checking to see whether the electricity their guests use is no greater an amount than they used at that person's house.

However, if your relatives are in need, you should find a way to help them financially, without tying it to any visits you may make.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a child, I was taught never to applaud in church. Now it is very common in my church and others I have attended. It seems that everything -- singing, speeches or any time of performance -- is following by someone saying, "Let's give them a big hand." Everybody applauds except me. Is this right or wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are right, but brace yourself. A lot of angry churchgoers are going to come at you with that quote about making a joyful noise unto the Lord.

Miss Manners is delighted that they have the joyful noise idea, and is all for music, speaking and other decently appropriate forms of worship. But she is afraid the good people missed that part about its being directed unto the Lord, and not unto themselves. Their pleasure may be great, but it is incidental to the purpose of worship, and they should not attempt to usurp the Lord's power of passing judgment on those who are worshipping Him.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently joined the managerial staff in a medium-sized company. Two months ago, my boss explained his holiday "tradition" of having each of us contribute $75 to a holiday gathering for all departmental employees and their spouses. My colleagues, having been through this before, all got out their checkbooks and reflexively handed over the money, planning to write it off on next year's taxes as "professional dues."

I wanted to find out more. When I asked how this kitty would be spent, I learned that we would be gathering at the home of another employee, that trays of various finger foods would be purchased from a local supermarket, and that the rest would be spent on wine and beer ("Good beer, ya know, good beer") and a maid service to clean up the host's home after the party (despite the fact that a sign-up sheet to do this had been posted at work and at least three employees had volunteered).

Miss Manners, I don't mind forking over $5 or $10 to help with a holiday spread at the office, but for $75, I expect something like a catered buffet and live entertainment. Moreover, I don't feel that I owe the department a holiday party, and I think that a lot of money is being wasted here. I don't know several of the employees who work evenings and nights, and I haven't even met some of them. I feel that my boss is using his status to extort money from his subordinates to host HIS party. If he wants to do so, I say let him pay for it.

When I gave my boss my regrets that I wouldn't be able to attend the gathering, he replied, "Well, in past years, even if somebody couldn't come, they paid anyway." I am not a freeloader, and I indeed did not attend, but my boss just asked me for the second time since the party when I would be paying my share, and I am furious.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to rush the season, but it's time to get ready for next year's party.

See if you can build an informal consensus, not only of managers but among the staff, for giving everyone an afternoon off in honor of the holiday, instead of a party that intrudes on time they might otherwise spend with their families and friends. You may need to show your good faith by paying this year's blackmail, but it will be worth it. You would be doing everyone a favor.

However, it might be enough just to tell your boss your plan to find out whether this might work better. As he realizes that the cost of time off will come from the business itself, he may be very ready to tell you to forget about the $75.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't drink wine and rarely serve it. My niece's French husband found it strange -- impolite? -- that when he brought me a bottle of wine, I didn't open it immediately. Other times, guests bring wine to a dinner party, and one bottle would not serve everyone. Must I open and share it?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners does not blame your nephew-in-law for finding this habit strange, not because he is French -- and is more likely to have been taught to bring flowers -- but because it is silly.

Of course you can't use one bottle for a lot of guests, which is why it is not a good present to hand over before dinner. The polite host accepts such a present gracefully and puts it aside, saying, "Thank you, I will think of you when we enjoy this."

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