Before going all dewy-eyed upon receiving a wedding invitation, it might be useful (Miss Manners confides in a discreet whisper) to make some inquiries.

Not that you would begrudge your friends their happy celebrations, whatever the circumstances. But there are so many different events now being described as weddings that you might want to know just what it is that you are expected to celebrate.

To begin with, is the wedding marking the couple's beginning entry into (this) marriage, or did that already take place, days, months or even years before?

Is this wedding, for example, one in a series of ceremonies being enacted sequentially in different locations for different onlookers?

Is it a re-enactment of a previously publicly solemnized marriage, perhaps even one that you attended, being redone for stylistic reasons and heralded as "we can finally afford the wedding of our dreams"?

Is it a reprise of a wedding as it did take place (a sort of picking-up-the-option now known as a "reaffirmation of vows")?

And that is assuming that the wedding is connected with a marriage at all. Nowadays, this is too big a leap to take on faith.

If not, is there an intention of marriage that is thwarted by legal impediments or financial handicaps?

Or is this an assumption of the advantages of a wedding -- hoopla and dry goods -- on the part of people who reject its obligations?

Or is the whole thing a joke on the part of people who are not even romantically involved with each other, much less making even a loose commitment?

Miss Manners is not as flinty-hearted as she looks. She would prefer that a reception for newlyweds or an anniversary party be honestly labeled as such and skip the ceremonial replay, but she does not necessarily demand an on-the-spot legal event to put away her share of champagne on behalf of happy couples.

What drives her away from this drink is when desire for a wedding is coupled with disdain for marriage. It does not seem too much to ask of people who could get married but have no wish to do so to forgo aping the event.

Mind you, she understands the attractions. Weddings are now being regarded as opportunities to boss around one's family, collect tributes from friends and indulge in a formality that is otherwise missing in modern life, and naturally, everyone wants to have them. And just as naturally, many are leery of getting stuck with mates of whom they may tire.

But combining those positions is spreading an etiquette problem that Miss Manners' dear grandmother never had to face.

In that lady's day, fake weddings were held in private, at the instigation of a nonbridegroom who wished the nonbride to believe herself to be legally married for the next night or two. Invitations were not issued. Now that the nonbride is as interested in nonpermanence as the nonbridegroom, however, invitations are issued far and wide.

And those who receive them are worrying about what their commitment is to couples who are not making a commitment to each other.

The commitment to accept or decline a social invitation, and to attend if one has accepted, remains in effect. But as for the rest -- treating a party as if it were a wedding -- Miss Manners doesn't see why the guests should not be as free of responsibility as the hosts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that anyone who is anyone has an entourage, and I feel that I would like to have one, but I am somewhat concerned about its composition. I do not, for example, need a dog handler or a dietitian; and I have no need of a publicist.

I would, therefore, appreciate your advice on what you would consider the essential composition of a modest entourage. I am a single, heterosexual male in my 60s, and, while I am willing to spend the necessary money, I do not want to appear crass or arriviste.

GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners considers it unfair of you to take on an entourage, thus depriving those who do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will soon be having weight loss surgery, and my stomach will be able to hold less during each meal than it used to. What would be the proper thing to do and say when dining out? Should I order my own meal and waste most of it? Would it be a mistake for my spouse to order his dinner and ask for an extra plate?

What should I say when our server asks for my order? If the server starts giving me the "specials" and the "what's good here" speech, what should I say? I do not feel that my surgery status would be anyone's business but my own.

I can't ask for a doggy bag, either. We do not have any pets to enjoy it, and I do not like leftovers.

GENTLE READER: But do you like suggestions? If so, you could ask the server for a helping of those.

As Miss Manners understands it, even though restaurants sell food, they generally refrain from force-feeding their patrons. You could order an appetizer or request something light, which sounds ladylike, without pleading changes in the dimensions of your stomach, which doesn't.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was, until recently, dating a very nice young woman whose old-world manners, strong moral character and ravishing good looks made her a primary contender for marriage. (I had hoped to me.)

With hindsight, she seems to have been giving me signals for some time that she wished the relationship dissolved. One of the primary signs was the condition of her house, which was, need I say, filthy.

Now, of course, all of us are not tidy by nature, nor should we attempt to squeeze our loved ones into our preferences. However, it seemed like a bare minimum of cleaning (throwing away scraps of food on the table, sweeping occasionally and clearing the dinner table of piles of advertising circulars) would have shown her desire to make me happy and somewhat at ease.

I attempted addressing the issue in as polite a form as I could and was responded to with several expletives and something along the lines of "You can't tell me what to do with my house!" Now, this is true, I suppose -- her house is her own, and she may take care of it in any way she deems fit, however, mustn't we make some accommodations for our significant others? Was I out of line in asking her to be a bit more tidy?

GENTLE READER: Would Miss Manners be a bit out of line in mentioning that your account of this situation is something of a mess?

We do not call hurling expletives, no matter how provoked, to be "old-world manners." And your question about whether one must make housekeeping accommodations for significant others is moot here, as you had already noticed signals that you were an insignificant other.

Surely it would be foolhardy of either of you to continue such a disillusioning situation. But for future reference, one does not evaluate someone else's housekeeping habits except in the context of merging households.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On behalf of myself and body-pierced and/or tattooed individuals everywhere, I'm writing to see if you can help me craft an appropriate response to rude comments and inquiries about my nose ring, brightly colored forearm and other nontraditional bodily decorations.

I am, of course, aware that one who chooses to groom himself with the aid of colored inks, needles and large pieces of metal must expect a certain amount of attention from segments of society for whom such adornments are considered unusual. But I always thought that etiquette required observations about another's appearance to be complimentary -- or left unvoiced.

I cannot count the number of times I have been greeted with unpleasant comments from strangers, acquaintances and friends alike. I have learned to accept the conversational gambit, "Wow, didn't that hurt?" as one of those innocuous, semantically null phrases that are used to lubricate social intercourse.

But reactions of outright hostility are just as common, and I would prefer to meet them with a polite but pithy response rather than making apologies for my choice of adornment. I have often employed the phrase, "I'll take that as the compliment I'm sure you intended it to be," but I don't trust myself not to sound at least a little flip when I say it. Your assistance in concocting a slightly less snide turn of phrase would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Not as much as Miss Manners appreciates your determination to answer rude remarks politely, without running the risk of sounding flip or snide. She assures you that the response you have been using is within the bounds of courtesy, even if it is intended to constitute a rebuke, although it must be delivered blandly. It is also more effective that way, so you might want to practice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a volunteer teacher in a professional training program, and one of my students has the unfortunate habit of slithering herself into my arms, caressing me, throwing herself upon me and hanging herself on my neck as we converse in order to make a point.

It's not a sexual advance, as far as I can tell, since we are of the same gender, and she is happily married. It's just something she does, I assume, to people that she feels affection for, and I find it immensely distasteful.

I have debated various ways of handling her advances, such as firmly and not very gently removing her arms, stepping way, way back as I sense the moment about to occur, or just coming out and telling her that I am uncomfortable with her being so physically intimate with me. None of these seems exactly right. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I need her to stop. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Whether or not your virtue is at stake, Miss Manners fears for your teaching career. And it isn't even the possibility of legal problems that could arise from harassment or favoritism issues that frighten her the most.

It is your lack of authority over a student who is clearly undermining your professional position by casting you as her intimate, and never mind the reason. Yet you find yourself so paralyzed that you cannot even pull away or offer the pitiful argument that you are "uncomfortable" with this, as if it were a failing of yours.

If it hurts her feelings to be told to stop this outrageous manipulation of your feelings, so be it. It is a valuable lesson, and you are there to teach.

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