Miss Manners^®

For decades now, Miss Manners has been telling people to stop putting such a ridiculous emphasis on gender in connection with forming wedding parties.

A bride reared by a single mother will typically bypass her and subpoena some gentleman who never had any jurisdiction over her that he could surrender, for the sole reason that she feels she must have a male "give her away." A bridegroom will often be told to produce a certain number of gentlemen as groomsmen, whether or not this corresponds to the number of his real friends, to match the number of bridesmaids.

For goodness sake, Miss Manners has always protested, you're supposed to be gathering people who are important to you, not casting roles in a play.

If the father or stepfather traditionally gives away the bride, it was because traditionally she had been under his protection; widows were expected to perform that ceremony for their daughters. (Never mind that the entire gesture is something of an anachronism now. Miss Manners only objects when the symbolism is creepy, as when a bride has her son give her away, thus symbolically surrendering his claim on her.)

If brides are traditionally attended by bridesmaids and bridegrooms by groomsmen, it is because it used to be assumed that friendships only existed within the same genders -- any mixing of the two being considered too exciting for simple friendship.

The point was always the relationship, not the gender.

But things have changed. Childbirth deaths, which had left more single fathers than mothers, declined, while divorce and births outside of marriage, which leave more single mothers than fathers, soared. The disappearance of chaperonage and parietal rules demonstrated that the young were not as indiscriminately stimulated as had been assumed, and that real friendships (as opposed to the courtship kiss-of-death known as "Let's just be friends") are indeed possible.

Yet even those who now recognize this in making up their wedding parties do so self-consciously, as if they were violating the rules. Miss Manners has been bombarded with silly etiquette questions: What should a gentleman who attended the bride as her friend, or the lady who attended the bridegroom as his friend, be called? How should they dress?

Oh, stop it, is her reply. Having recognized that gender is not the deciding factor, why would anyone then imagine that these people needed to cross-dress or assume laughably inaccurate nomenclature?

Miss Manners admits that at the time she began carrying on like this, it did not occur to her to apply it to the bridal couple themselves.

But it fits. If there are ceremonies featuring two brides or two bridegrooms, they should not be play-acting to appear to be one of each. Their parents and friends should take whatever supportive positions their ties dictate, without aping divisions based on her-side/his-side.

As for financial support -- and Miss Manners knows that is always prominent in bridal minds -- that should always be privately set by the willingness and ability of those concerned to pay. The notion that a bride's family owes her the wedding of her dreams, or that a bridegroom's family may be assessed by those dictating the expenses, is outrageous enough without doing this by assigning a gender division where there is none.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do when you have been having a perfectly respectable conversation about airport security with your seatmate during a flight, but he begins to volunteer information about the way he was abused as a child out of the blue? How can one express sympathy without seeming to wish to hear more? I felt very uncomfortable listening to these confidences from a complete stranger.

GENTLE READER: Then reply, "I'm very sorry to hear that. But to get back to what you were saying, don't you think there is any way they can speed things up without compromising security?"

You will note that this is minimal sympathy, second only perhaps to "You're kidding! But is that drinks cart ever going to get to us?" Perhaps you will accuse Miss Manners of callousness.

However, if people are going to make small talk of their most personal confessions, they should expect to have these treated as small talk. Any serious show of sympathy would be acceptance of the serious job of confessor and consoler.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm sure you are aware of how many young African-American teens greet each other with a certain racial slur. I am an African-American man whose two fine sons tell me this is OK because they are both of the same race.

I say it is offensive no matter what. When anyone uses this term in my home, they must leave. I will personally escort them out and take them back home if I need to.

This is fine for my son's friends, but recently I had a friend from work come over for dinner and use this term to greet my sons. I calmly told him that was not allowed and he would have to leave. He did, and we haven't spoken since.

Did I do the right thing? My wife is so embarrassed and said I shouldn't have said anything. My sons say I did the right thing, and are happy that I treated my friend the same way I have treated their friends. Was I rude? What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is with you in considering this slur unacceptable no matter who says it. She is with you in refusing to tolerate its being used in your house. She is with you in your policy of treating your sons' guests and your guests alike.

But she will not accompany you as you approach your door with guests in tow.

Ejecting a guest from your house is the severest permissible punishment you can inflict. As you discovered, it entirely severs the relationship. Your sons may be able to patch up their friendships using the child's privilege of blaming parents, but any cordiality you had with your children's friends is also broken.

Had any of these people meant to be insulting, such action would have been justified and the break-ups welcomed.

But, even in criminal court, motivation is taken into consideration in rendering judgment. As your sons have explained, the word is not uncommonly used by those of the same race, sometimes with the explanation that this takes the sting out of it.

Now, wait. Miss Manners has already said that she agrees that it is nevertheless unacceptable and that you shouldn't have to put up with it in your house. But it would have been sufficient for you to say, "We don't use that word in this house." If a guest then argued, or failed to apologize, that would be the time to expel him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never been able to find any information on renewing the wedding vowels.

I am not referring to a 40th or 50th reunion. I just went to a bridal shower and a white-gown affair for a couple married two years ago in a courthouse. I can understand wanting to re-do it in a church, but a bridal shower? Another gift for the wedding and a money-dance at the reception? RSVPs were mailed to the already-a-bride.

Am I old fashioned, or is Miss Manners gasping also? What are the etiquette rules?

GENTLE READER: Forgive Miss Manners for skewering you with a simple typographical error, but "wedding vowels" is right. Ooo! and Aaaa! is what your friends had in mind: sounds they wished you to make in admiration of them and to inspire them to make when they receive your successive presents.

You should have declined the invitations. However, it may help you to know that presents are not traditionally considered obligatory for a second wedding -- even, perhaps especially, if the second wedding is a repeat of the first.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does a young lady sit properly on an old, bumpy, wobbly and rusty seat without a back and at an unconventional height? The stool about which I inquire is approximately 3 feet off the ground and has a bar around its legs approximately 8 inches above the ground. Ought I to simply place one foot on the bar and tuck the other leg behind it? I ask because it seems that when I attempt to sit properly on such a stool in my Auto Tech class I make quite a spectacle of myself and I am sure that someday I shall most certainly fall off.

GENTLE READER: "It's all in the posture," said the lady in the derby hat who was conducting a master class in riding sidesaddle that Miss Manners took in a moment of madness. "If you fall off, it's your own fault."

Never mind. Miss Manners suddenly remembers that when she asked the instructor what keeps a lady's high silk hat on as she is tearing sidesaddle through the woods and over fences, the reply was, "Her veil." You probably don't even wear a veil to Auto Tech class.

Miss Manners' point -- now that you have given up hope that she has one -- is that some seats are never really safe, high wobbly stools and horses among them. Your only hope is to maintain a posture that creates its own balance and position yourself for a comparatively safe landing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor and I are having elderly-parent problems. Every Sunday night, she and her family take her mother out to eat. The mother really enjoys these outings, but recently has become more difficult. She returns food as bad, cold or not what she ordered. She criticizes service loudly. This charming lady is becoming an embarrassment. Besides leaving a huge tip, how does one smooth over these difficulties?

My father has started using terrible language and racial epitaphs. He is in a skilled nursing unit of a retirement complex and bedfast. Words and gestures he would never have tolerated from his children are becoming the norm. The people who care for him and his guests are subjected to this daily.

My mother is spending most of her time in his room trying to smooth things over, but he will not be quieted or deviated. His condition will probably not change, but how to deal with those he has insulted?

Our parents are obviously not going to change. How does one handle this?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, life has come full cycle here, and you are caring for them as they cared for you -- except that instead of the joy they had in watching you learn, you must watch them forget. That they should forget even the basic decencies that they taught you is particularly tragic.

Miss Manners is afraid that you must do for them in their post-courtesy stage what they did to mitigate your effect on others when you were in your pre-courtesy stage. Out of your parents' hearing, you should apologize profusely, explain that they are not themselves and do not mean what they say, and express your sympathy and gratitude. And, yes, tips and praise to workers' supervisors are good ways to show that you realize those who are nevertheless good to them are working under difficult circumstances.

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